Yakkin' About Karim Garcia

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David Roth: Well, SB Nation found Karim Garcia. I think he looks good. Healthy. Like a sunburned chef on a Food Network show about finding obscure and unhealthy ham varietals in the American south, or a version of Dog The Bounty Hunter with better hand-eye coordination and fewer pukka shells in his hair.

David Raposa: We should all strive for Karim's admirable shade of raw meat.

David Roth: Imagine how good at baseball you have to be to drink that many beers and still ever hit a home run? Because he seriously looks like a white garbage bag full of Killian's Red in a wig, but also seems to have just homered in the picture.

David Roth: That list of 1996's top prospects that SB links to really reflects how far prospect lists have come, too. Jeter's six, Karim's seven, Vlad Guerrero is number nine. You'd have to think that, with today's prospect-grading technology, Vlad and Karim would swap places. Also there are a lot of guys on there just because they're tall and paid by the Yankees.

David Raposa: I didn't check the comments, but is the identity of the number eight prospect revealed?

David Roth: Livan Hernandez! I guess that kind of took the snap out of the list. As does Ruben "The Memorabilia Dealer" Rivera being number three. I think Ruben was only ranked that high because he bribed voters with some stuff from Jeter's locker. He was all, "YA GOTTA HAVE IT."

David Raposa: I can't believe a 32-year-old man can actually be ranked as a prospect.

David Roth: What, Don West? Or... right, Livan. Whatever age he was supposed to be then, I'm sure was still just jonkin' it. Sitting low-80s, eating melt-style sandwiches on the mound and pulling on a sportsbottle full of whole milk in between innings. I know he was once probably lithe and athletic.

David Raposa: In his early zeroes. He was probably a spry tadpole.

David Roth: But I will always remember him as he is now: 54 years young, paunchy, vexingly effective against the Mets.

David Raposa: Livan Hernandez: the cool Jack Morris.

David Roth: He pitched to the score, always. But the score was the soundtrack to Drive. He's that cool and I don't even know what that means.

David Raposa: Livan is a real human being and a real hero. Because he is heavy.

David Roth: And an inspiration to us all in that regard. I just wanted to share that picture of Karim Garcia because it matters to me.

David Roth: I saw him once, out at dinner with David Wells. They were NOT drunk. They were retaining water.

David Raposa: So no parking lot piss stories?

David Roth: I've got plenty, but none involve Boomer or Karim. But the time that David Wells stabbed a guy with a fork in a diner was across the street from where I live. Does that count?

David Raposa: That counts for everything!

David Roth: But I'm glad you brought up the story about Karim Garcia and Shane Spencer roughing up a pizza man at the Mets spring training in the year 2000-and-depressing.

David Roth: All because the pizza dude asked Karim not to piss in the parking lot. These two fifth outfielders were so passionate about winning that that was all it took for them to go Starkweather on a Little Caesar's guy on the Space Coast.

David Raposa: Guys need PT, or else they get snippy with the help. Although I don't know if someone bringing you Little Caesar's is really helping you.

David Roth: I'm sure Erroll Morris is making a movie about the story.

David Raposa: THE THIN YELLOW LINE

David Roth: Dude.

David Raposa: (I am not a pee enthusiast.)

David Roth: Look, it's your business.

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