Yakkin' About Fashion: If The Shorts Are Too Loud, You're Too Old

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On Thursday, Adidas unveiled new-look uniforms for its college teams. "New Look" may, actually, be something of an understatement, given the aggressive styling and very bright colors and crypto-tie-dye printing and general thermonuclear WTF-ery of the whole look. It's a lot to take, clearly by design. We talked about the weird and sort of wonderful way that these uniforms manage to be both hideous and kind of assaultively charming. 

David: Odd Future Wolf Gang Neon Zubaz Powerade Xtreme is the new look for March. I am not ready to look at these, maybe. And yet also kind of like them.

Brendan: Too much German techno/doom in the Adidas design shop. Those look miserable to me, but I'm also kind of looking forward to it.

David: Baylor's official team colors are now Tuff Gatorade and Sour Patch Green.

Brendan: The Louisville shorts look like "sexy" pajamas.

David: Grown-and-sexy Zubaz, for the lover in u. I want that as an all-over-print on a white Rick Pitino suit. Add texture and pizazz. Up the wow factor.

David: Pete Beatty pointed out that there's some strong Odd Future aesthetic going on here. Teenage peacocking and all that. We're not SUPPOSED to like it. If the shorts are too loud, you're too old.

David: Definitely, that's the new deal basically. Same with the UA weird shit. And if there's some lightness to it, I can appreciate it.

David: Me too. I'm fine with it, although I also think the Kansas shorts look very stupid.

Brendan: #StoneWashAccident

David: Like patriotic-themed shorts that you'd get at a rest stop in Nevada after some sort of humiliating road trip accident.

David: "Hey, uh, this is really embarrassing, but um do you sell pants here?"

Brendan: "Five dollars and they come with either a taco dog or Asia cassette."

David: Except these are made of a space-age polymer and are definitely priced so that only certain day-glo rocking rappers and Japanese sneaker-tourists can afford them.

Brendan: I can't stop looking at the Notre Dame ones.

Brendan: Does Mike Brey have to wear a day-glo mock turtle?

David: I don't think he has to. I think if he wants to remain relevant he really should.

Brendan: "It's really important that we look fly, because we're draining the shot clock to 8 seconds before initiating our offense"

David: Imagine how unhappy Bill Self would look in a zubaz suit.

Brendan: Self would be more miserable than usual. Just so disappointed in everything.

David: His pink, displeased leader-ham head poking out the top of some crazy Biebersuit, yelling something about defense, looking down at his pants, and then getting really quiet.

Brendan: He'll just take it out on the players. Tell Travis Releford he's a worthless piece of crap. Feel better for five minutes. And do it again. Chorus, verse, refrain.

Brendan: I kind of hope a bunch of the teams play each other and Vice has someone go and drop acid and write about it. I'm maybe willing to volunteer. I also think you could probably buy something very close to these at Conway in the Fulton Mall. Like right now.

David: Bout to get marked up.

David: What are the odds that Notre Dame would be an originator in Psychotic Energy Drink Colorways. Troy Murphy played in day-glo before it was a thing.

Brendan: A Collin Falls/Chris Thomas collabo. Very limited edition.

David: Swag redefined.

Brendan: I kind of wish that Michigan State and Wisconsin could get in on this. I want to see Izzo and Bruesewitz in the nu-baz.

David: Bruesewitz in anything, really, is tough. But it would be funny to see the embarrassed-looking Swedes on Wisconsin dressed like this. All the guys on Indiana in their Actual Human Nutcracker warm-ups looking on from the bench, jeering. Growing up is hard.

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