As 26-year-old with a Super Bowl ring, a .710 career winning percentage, and a slew of endorsement deals, Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson is used to success, and isn’t accustomed to starting seasons 0-2. But that’s where he finds himself at the moment.
What’s worse, his teammates are frustrated that the team DJ can’t play the music of Future at practice because Wilson is dating Ciara, the rapper’s ex. In an attempt to regain his fire and win back his teammates with a fire track, Wilson called an audible and decided to pull a Kenny Powers by spitting a few bars in his girlfriend’s studio. The song was never supposed to be released beyond Seattle’s clubhouse, but a source within the organization leaked a recording of it, on the condition that The Classical not embed the song itself. What follows is a transcript:
Chef IHOP™in the Clink! I scramble and make fat stacks! Macklemore! 206! O and 2 ain’t nuthin!
How could I falter when I’m the Rock of Gibraltar?
How could I concuss with Recovery Water™
Your Hawks fought like they oughta: get proud of em
I don’t get in holes; I get out of em.
Thousand mile journey; this like mile seven
I listen to coach: Bush did 9/11
I listen to Journey, I don’t stop believin’
Now listen to me, kids: don’t stop achievin’!
Larson Automotive Group™!
I love your everything girl, this isn’t lip service
Your heart and your soul…also your Surface™
Don’t forget you’re perfect; I recall when we first kissed,
You gave off an aura, pure bliss: Ciara Mist
Future is past; it’s next man up
I won that FanDuel™, look at the man up-
Stairs—He smilin’ cuz we paired up
There’s kids in the hospital…PRAYERS UP!
[Synthesizer riff] Sweet dreams are made of these
From my head to my Nikes™
We’ll travel the world and the seven seas
I’ll fly you anywhere: Alaska Airlines™ [end synthesizer riff]
Welcome back to my dude, Bam-Bam! Flintstone Vitamins™ in effect!
God wants us chaste, girl, wants me to guide you
Until the day when it’s groom: me and bride: you
That night girl we UGH UGH til the new dawn,
My face will be smooth UGH thanks to my new Braun™
Kendrick got a bone to pick?! I got a boner for Isotoner™! Gloves for my boys! Otter Pops™! Alexander the Grape™!
Christmastime I’ll be Santa and elves,
Showering gifts on all of my 12s,
Toshibas™ and Sonys™ and Nissans™ and more
American Family Insurance™ galore!
Bose™ speakers, Beats by Dre™, Hungry Man™ Best Buy™
(Y’all need a pitchman? I am the best guy!)
Burger King™, Valtrex™, Chili’s™, Papa John’s™,
If ya can’t ‘F’ with Russ, what type of pot ’cha on?
Duracell™! Sir Isaac Lime™!
Separation’s in the preparation
Holla if you feel me, Seahawks Nation
If all y’all feel me, Rock Russell fauxhawks,
Rock Russell Athletic™, Russell out, GO HAWKS!