Where Not To Watch The NCAA Tournament

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There's nothing scientific about this, of course. There is no way to ascertain—short of actually watching eight hours of basketball in all the situations and circumstances described below—which of these combinations of game-watching partners and scenarios is actually and objectively the worst and which is just plain The Worst. I'm also pretty sure that no such place as Scrapplebee's actually exists. But what's important, what is really vitally important, is that you be prepared. There may well be a lot of basketball watching in your future, and that's absolutely a good thing. But it's important to us—and should be important to you—that you not watch any of it at Jeremy Piven's house.

So, here are places you should absolutely not to watch any of the NCAA Tournament.

1) An In-Dash Flat Screen Monitor In Adam Carolla's Car First of all, there are old french fries everywhere. Second of all, you shouldn't be in the car with this guy. He is not going to take you anywhere you want to go. He's telling some sort of story about a stripper he knew who was hard of hearing, and it's been going on for a long time. He is wearing rip-away exercise pants and has the facial expression of someone receiving a colonoscopy. It really does not seem as if his deaf stripper story is ending any time soon. Honestly, if you are reading this in Adam Carolla's car, the horse is probably more or less out of the barn. Obviously you don't need to hear this right now, if that's the case, but you should never have gotten into a car with Adam Carolla. Just... yeah, sorry, that's kind of piling on. But at the risk of being a dick, what were you thinking with this one?

2) Scrapplebee's Neighborhood Grill, Berwyn, Pennsylvania  Two televisions, one of which airs only closed-caption reruns of In The Heat of the Night, and the other of which has the Cincinnati/Texas game on. Everyone at the bar is watching the one with In The Heat of the Night on it. Cincinnati starts committing intentional fouls in an attempt to make up an 11-point deficit. There are four minutes left. Everything on the menu is described as "golden brown."

3) Jeremy Piven's Media Room  He is just going to try on hats and vests throughout the games. He will claim to be a "heavy duty, high-test" basketball fan, but that is just obviously not true. I mean, he has clearly watched some Big Ten games this year, yes, but the only thing he wants to talk about is why he's "a big 'ass' guy, as opposed to tits or face or whatever," and how he likes college basketball because "these guys do it for the love, with deep passion." Which, you know, they are playing hard. But also he is clearly using those words as part of some The Game/Neil Strauss language-code thing he's working on a model he invited. She is Ukrainian and doesn't seem to understand what he's saying. Oh God, he's offering her a foot massage.

4) Any Seat From Which The Notre Dame/Xavier Game Is Visible

5) On The Set Of Bravo's "Watch What Happens Live," As Andy Cohen And Kathy Griffin Argue About "The Real Housewives Of Orange County"  Or maybe they're not arguing? It's kind of hard to tell. They are calling each other "bitch" a lot, at least.

6) Dave and Buster's

7) Your Home  When suddenly, just like in his television commercials, Papa John Schnatter bursts through the door with a camera crew filming behind him, and starts handing out Spinach Alfredo pizzas and pistoning out those weird high-fives. Two-liters of Pepsi are opened. At halftime of one of the games, Schnatter asks if you want to go play one-on-one outside. You demur. He touches your knee, asks if he can "get serious" for a minute. He wants to talk to you about "real meats," and what they mean to him, and how he feels that "excellence is something of what I'd call an endangered species these days." There is what can only be called meaningful eye contact between the two of you while he tells you all this.

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The Game/Neil Strauss language-code thing he's working on a model he invited. She is Ukrainian and doesn't seem to understand what he's saying. Oh God, he's offering her a foot massage.cccam server

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Wait. How is it possible that Guy Fieri got left out of this cautionary public service item?

Mostly my oversight, but also if Fieri was hosting on the set of his (hilarious) Food Network cooking show, he'd at least have a big television. And plenty of dippin-aise. And he'd be shouting and there'd be like a Brian Setzer Orchestra album on really loud. So in retrospect I shouldn't have left it out.

I'll be at Grizzlebee's, thanks very much: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnoZimnLqyY

Nothing turns me into a giddy, cackling heap like David Roth Papa John Schnatter fanfic.

But... But... Scrapplebees has the best maraschino-poppers this side of Radnor.

I didn't say it didn't, to be fair. I was just disappointed to find so much stomach-meat on the nachos was all.