Well, what do Michele Bachmann and Tim Tebow have in common besides eyes like ball bearings? Well, they're co-stars in a new Iowa campaign video from Michele Bachmann, so there's that. You knew this was coming. I knew this was coming, too. I just didn't expect the narration to be quite as fast-paced and oddly accented:
As I've written at Vice and as the Notorious African Dictator Mobutu Sese Seko wrote for us some while back, there's something kind of sad about Tim Tebow's status as a Human Dog Whistle. As a quarterback, Tebow frankly still isn't much fun to watch, and the league seems to have figured him out to a certain extent. Still, it's hard not to pull for an aesthetically janky, proudly weird option quarterback in a league powered by identikit passer-bots. If we could leave it there, then he'd enjoy the small but worthy honor of being your second- or third-favorite quarterback, in the same way that certain types of football fans loved outlier types such as Randall Cunningham or stubbornly like hybrid-ish goofballs like Ryan Fitzpatrick. (J'accuse, I'm sure, on that one) If we could leave it there, Tebow would be kind of fun and kind of mediocre, the sort of quarterback exhilaratingly capable of winning a game with his talent and exasperatingly capable of losing a game with his limitations. He'd be the sort of quarterback who wasn't talked about all that much.
But, of course, we demonstrably cannot leave it there, and so he is talked about...much. As a rare specimen of that most elusive figure of right-wing iconography, The American Christian Persecuted For His Beliefs, Tebow is useful to the sort of people who find that sort of thing useful. Which in turn makes him a massively powerful SEO chit (you see the headline), and thus useful to the sort of people who find that sort of thing useful. For a guy who is basically a Young Earth Creationist Rex Grossman in terms of his actual measurable football results, this is a pretty impressive feat, actually.
But, and of course you know this, all of that notoriety and baffling cultural capital doesn't necessarily make Tebow much more than what he is, not any more than attempting to grab a piggyback ride on his blandly rectangular celebrity makes Michele Bachmann much more than what she is. "Not accurate enough" is a lot more damning a criticism to lodge against someone who wants to be President of the United States than it is against someone whose only job, role in our national idio-kabuki aside, is to quarterback the least terrible team in the AFC West. But it doesn't really reflect well on either.
Also the other thing that Michele Bachmann and Tim Tebow have in common is that Skip Bayless would happily take either of them out on a date to Houston's and then try to get to second base before dessert came.