Tom Glavine, Whole Person, For Five Hour Energy

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On January 8th, 2014, it was announced that the 305-game winner and two-time Cy Young recipient Tom Glavine would be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, right behind 355-game winner and four-time Cy Young recipient, Greg Maddux. Glavine, who earned 525 out of 571 possible votes, was eclipsed only by his Atlanta teammate and fellow first-time ballot inductee, Maddux, who secured 555 votes. A dominant force in the 1990's, Glavine recorded 164 wins during the decade, second only to Maddux's 176. Tom Glavine was once in a popular television commercial featuring Heather Locklear; the humorous advertisement also featured his bespeckled colleague, Greg Maddux.

In fact, it is effectively impossible to write a single sentence about Tom Glavine without also mentioning Greg Maddux, and Maddux's slight edge on Glavine. This is unfair, to Glavine and those of us who have too long seen him only in contrast. And so I propose it is time for Tom Glavine to have his moment in the sun, away from the blinding light that pours from baseball legend Greg Maddux, a light which sears the eyes of mortals like the gamma rays from a dying star.

As any geographically transplanted baseball fan knows, 2013 was the year of Bo Jackson (“two-sport, all-star athlete”) and his emphatic, halting endorsement of “Five-Hour Energy”; David Raposa unpacked the secret sadness of the ad on this very site. The advertisement ran approximately 9 billion times on MLBTV. Haunted by Jackson’s unique ability to speak in all-caps, I still hear his words repeated through my slumber, as cold and true as an ancient rune.

As such, I believe the time has come to pass the torch. Let us renew the brand for which Bo Jackson speaks! Let us celebrate Tom Glavine, alone, without the blinding perfection of his teammate, Greg Maddux. It’s time for Glavine to sell us a small-format energy beverage in a way Greg Maddux never could. It is time to shine. Anyone from the Five Hour Energy team can contact me through the usual channels.

(The footage is in black and white. Stirring bagpipes are heard in the distance, beginning as a gentle echo, then maturing into soft, supporting music. During the swell, he comes into frame, backlit but bright, in a polo and baseball cap, seemingly unsure where to look.)

I AM TOM GLAVINE

I am Tom Glavine.
I am a lefty, two Cy pitcher.
I am a commentator and I am a union man.
I am a husband. And I’m a father.
I am a record-holder and I’m a World Series MVP.
I keep my wine cold and my nerves colder.
I’m a person.
I’m a person
I am a whole person.
I am Tom Glavine,
And I fucking hate Greg Maddux.

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