Speeding Up Baseball: Additional Ideas

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The 2015 baseball season starts on April 5 when the Cardinals visit the Cubs at Wrigley Field. Hardcore fans are excited, but Major League Baseball has been criticized for alienating casual observers with games that can last more than three hours. Let’s face it: in the modern world, efficiency is paramount and baseball must be expedited. That’s why MLB officials are testing pitch clocks in the minor leagues this year—and considering these other ideas to make America’s pastime pass relatively less time.

  • Instead of “ball” and “strike,” have umpires yell “HURRY!” after every pitch.

  • Add (more) amphetamines to Gatorade cooler.

  • Only allow use of one baseball. When someone hits a home run, shrug and say: “I guess we’ve got to go home.”

  • Switch turntable speed to 78 rpm.

  • Forego extra innings; settle tie games by which team can cover infield with tarp and turn out ballpark lights soonest.

  • Screen film Moneyball (2 hours, 13 minutes) instead of an actual baseball game. Note: DO NOT read the book. That will take way longer, and everyone will get bored and fall asleep.

  • In the event a batter fouls off a pitch on a two-strike count, execute him.

  • Arrange for fans to watch game on television aboard spaceship traveling near the speed of light; due to time dilation, events on earth will seemingly pass much faster than time inside vessel.

  • Replace seventh-inning stretch with early-onset ninth inning. If anyone asks what happened to the bottom of the seventh and the eighth, furrow brow and say: “we played them, dude.”

  • Assume Sabermetric predictions will be correct and award World Series trophy based on them.

  • Call home team out every time public address announcer mentions a sponsor.

  • End game automatically if any player’s pants get dirty.

  • Hire philosopher to prove there’s no point to playing baseball at all.

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