Spam Poetics: Bieber Will Yield His Skateboard

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Spam poetry: we pretty much invented that right there. Yes, it was a result of our odd and vexing inability to keep spambots from bringing you, the reader, the best and most strangely expressed news about luxury handbags. And yes, that is kind of irritating. But it has also been a wonderful ride, thanks in large part to the talented poets who have lent their talents and imaginations to this endeavor. From the very first installment, Spam Poetics has delivered a heady combination of batshit language and helpful, money-saving deals on Beats By Dre headphones. They have been political. They have offered innovative urban planning solutions. They have offered keen perspective on inequality, and minor league soccer. But, earlier this week, the whole gambit seemed close to over.

Not, certainly, because we've managed to stem the tide of spam comments. We haven't. But because one comment, on Nick Bond's Melky Cabrera piece, is so baffling and good that it simultaneously broke our hearts and minds; it contains the words "blooper of joy," and they are not the best words in it. There is only so much to do with this particular comment. One can marvel at it. One can puzzle over it. But it is difficult to improve upon. Difficult, but as our brave spam poets prove, not impossible. The only solution was to go further, HAM'er, stranger. And so our poets have done that, with two takes on the opus we've taken to calling Bieber Yields His Skateboard.

Bieber Will Yield, Spoken Word Version

by Mario Monrroy

 

BIEBS/RAILS: A Diptych

by Logan K. Young

A User's Guide: The first panel (let's call it "Biebs") will spell out that word using huaidan6's original. Unmolested.

On the second hand, the right one will leave an outline of the word "Rails"...while also conforming to that ol' Oulipian constraint, N+7 (i.e. replacing every noun with the seventh noun after it, as per the dictionary.) But because this verse, again ostensibly, regards both skateboarding and Justin Bieber's well-documented prowess at it, I prefer to christen it NC+17; instead of using the OED, I've used Urban Dictionary to replace each noun AND conjunction with the seventeenth subsequent entry.

BIEBS

RAILS

And the original:

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