Philip Rivers Is Like: A Fond Look Back At #PhilipRiversExperience

Philip Rivers has always played with the crazy-faced mania of a man on a mission, although the mission in question has not always been especially easy to figure. What is clear is that Rivers is incensed at anyone who would either help or hinder him on that progress, incensed at pretty much anyone and anything, and also that he will not chill out for even a moment until he gets there. But where Rivers is going, and what he's doing, is a secret between the artist and himself.

But on Monday Night, while Rivers led a Hindenberg-ian Chargers collapse against the Denver Broncos, the whole enterprise became a bit clearer: Rivers was sending a message with every pick he lobbed in his septuagenarian-shot-putter style, and emphatically punctuating it every time he put the ball on the turf, and that message was that Philip Rivers will not rest until he is recognized as the NFL's strangest and most hilarious quarterback.

It's a noble enough goal, although surely Tony Romo and Smokey Jay Cutler will have their say before all is said and done. But for one magical, horrible night, Rivers turned quarterbacking into something like avant-garde performance art. It was discomfiting to watch, even for those of us without (yes) some fantasy football or fan's investment in Rivers. The level of sheer dread and horrified awe created by Rivers' implacable, high-volume collapse was something new and unique and terrible in both its scope and harshness: the football equivalent of the longer songs on the new Swans record, or... well, ask Twitter what it was like.

We commissioned a simile contest to describe the experience of watching and feeling Philip Rivers' second-half performance. The hashtag was #PhilipRiversExperience (and its misspelled cousin #PhillipRiversExperience) and the results speak, allusively and with a predictable and wonderful reliance on horrible images involving bad television and worse food, for themselves.

We've been over the awe-inspiring and wonder-working power of Twitter operating at full creative blast: the way that, when everything aligns, this sort of thing can work to create a facile, but fantastic and transporting, fellowship  with a happy mob of very funny strangers. It's still Twitter, of course: the greatest onomotapoeia on the internet, the sound of people making silly sounds at each other, all night every night. But whether Twitter ever topples autocracies or even turns a profit, it already makes it possible to share a joke with funny strangers, and that is certainly something. In the case of Philip Rivers' seething Monday Night Football masterwork, it was this: 

like watching basic instinct with your parents #philipriversexperience

— Shane Ellement (@sEllement) October 16, 2012

Like watching Spaulding Smails hacking away in the fairway, yelping "turds!" and "double turds!" #PhilipRiversExperience

— Anthony Crupi (@crupicrupicrupi) October 16, 2012

Like explaining credit default swaps to a half-asleep Sonny Jurgensen. #PhilipRiversExperience

— RandBall's Stu (@RandBallsStu) October 16, 2012

#PhilipRiversExperience John from Cincinatti.

— Mr. Sports Journo (@BIGSPORTSWRITER) October 16, 2012

Like filling a ziploc bag with cottage cheese, freezing it, eating it, then running a marathon. #PhilipRiversExperience

— Ryan O'Hanlon (@rwohan) October 16, 2012

@classical attending a first-year philosophy seminar on kant, and all of your classmates are philip rivers #PhilipRiversExperience

— adam wray (@terminalave) October 16, 2012

A sinus infection, but every time you sneeze, wasps fly out your nose. #PhilipRiversExperience

— David Roth (@david_j_roth) October 16, 2012

Like watching a movie written in Portuguese and filmed in Czech dubbed into Basque. #PhilipRiversExperience

— Tim Marchman (@timmarchman) October 16, 2012

Like going lingerie shopping with Courtney Love #PhilipRiversExperience

— S.T. VanAirsdale (@stvanairsdale) October 16, 2012

Like challenging strangers to push-up contest in a food court, losing & crying hysterically while vomiting Sbarro #PhillipRiversExperience

— Kevin Van Valkenburg (@KVanValkenburg) October 16, 2012

@classical having a Facebook post about a dry spell with the ladies liked by your Grandma #PhilipRiversExperience

— Christopherson (@ludichrisspeed) October 16, 2012

Like watching an angry piece of cheddar forget its wallet at home.#PhilipRiversExperience

— Dylan (@dwmulvin) October 16, 2012

@classical Col. Kilgore yelling that it's safe to surf this beach. #PhilipRiversExperience

— Brian Clark (@bclark7) October 16, 2012

Watching an old man try to cross the street carrying a birthday cake. #PhilipRiversExperience

— Anthony Kim (@michiganling) October 16, 2012

A sinus infection, but every time you sneeze, wasps fly out your nose. #PhilipRiversExperience

— David Roth (@david_j_roth) October 16, 2012

Like doing cocaine for the first time while at a murder mystery dinner theater. #PhillipRiversExperience

— Tom Ley (@ToLey88) October 16, 2012

@classical watching a movie in the theatres while reading the synopsis of it on your phone

— alex w. (@steven_lebron) October 16, 2012

@david_j_roth Like watching Guy Fieri crack an egg yolk directly into the garbage #PhillipRiversExperience

— Isaac Rauch (@IkeRauch) October 16, 2012

UPDATE: Because it is impossible to kill an idea this beautiful, and because watching Philip Rivers is really like a bunch of things, I've added two multimedia updates (in addition to Marc Pavlofsky's welcome video contribution in the comments) that arrived late. This hypnotic, oddly perfect and frustratingly difficult to embed video is from @tonystutz.

And this gif, from friend of the program and certified supergenius David Rappoccio, kind of speaks for itself: