Introducing the NBA All-Odorlessness Team

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Every NBA fan has at one point or another crafted an imaginary All-Smelly team. “Who do you think smells bad” is just a conversation that will eventually be had by anybody who cares enough about watching people play basketball to be willing to sit in a front of a television while John Stockton’s armpits are shooting free throws (younger readers should know that Stockton’s free throw stroke was entirely armpit-based).

This is a conversation worth having. Smelliest all time? Vlade Divac, who smoked cigarettes and ate mothball sandwiches without ever once flossing. Smelliest current player? Hedo Turkoglu, an actual wet onion. Smelly up-and-comer? Omri Casspi, whose teeth can be smelled even in digital form. Most athletically gifted smelly player? Rod Strickland, who used to eat hot dogs, causing him to vomit during a game once, and yet persevered enough to make second team All-NBA once and have his leaping ability immortalized by Raekwon. You know this conversation. You’ve had this conversation.

It is not a scientific conversation. It is part “that guy just looks like he’s a smelly dude,” and part unfair prejudice against foreign-born and/or larger men who may or may not look like gigantic sweaty Turkish versions of Judge Reinhold. It is not, strictly speaking, the most enlightened or enlightening conversation in the world.

But what about the NBA’s least smelly players? If at one end of the spectrum of NBA smelliness lies Vlade Divac, there must, as the plot of M. Night Shyalaman’s Unbreakable demonstrates, also be NBA players with an eerie inability to produce a regular human scent, regardless of basketball exertions. These are the rare players  that, if they went missing and a police dog was given the scent, the dog would sniff the player’s t-shirt and then hide whimpering under the nearest bed for fear that it had died, or that its nose was punishing it for some past offense. These are outliers, rare specimens. They are out there, and we set out to find them.

Here are the most scentless players currently on rosters in the NBA, in no order:

Mason Plumlee (Brooklyn Nets): Brooklyn is also the most odorless franchise. Like the team, the members of the team, ownership, and most of the employees have a smell, but the business entity knows as the Brooklyn Nets NBA team does not produce a smell.

Travis Wear (New York Knicks): May also have a brother of some kind for all we can smell.

Robert Covington (PHI): Does not actually smell like anything, but the Sixers keep on making loud, pointed remarks about how much he smells like an NBA player.

Greg Stiemsma (TOR): Smells like a dry, unused towel, posing a minor organizational disadvantage as his used sweaty sweat towels smell like dry, unused towels. His used towels are hence referred to on the Toronto bench as “Stiemsmas,” as in “ugh, just wiped my damn head with a Stiemsma.” He’s cool with it. He’s like, “I know, I’m probably part fabric softener.”

Mike Dunleavy/Cameron Bairstow (CHI): The Bulls are hoping for Bairstow to develop into Dunleavy’s role within the organization, but it is an open question at this point whether Bairstow’s promising early career odorlessness is a function of minutes not played.

Matthew Dellavedova/Shawn Marion (CLE): Dellavedova has smelled surprisingly not much in limited minutes, whereas Marion stopped smelling like anything in particular back in 2008.

Jodie Meeks (DET): Technically, Jodie Meeks has a smell, and that smell is “video game Jodie Meeks.”

Lavoy Allen (IND): Generates below-replacement level human smell for the veteran’s minimum.

John Henson (MIL): He seems like a really good guy, doesn’t he? We’re all rooting for him to smell like something someday.

Kyle Korver (ATL): Korver's endocrine system is made of copper.

Cody Zeller (CHA): Zeller is incapable of both emitting smell and casting a shadow. But he is trying very hard to develop both skills and has by all accounts a very solid makeup and work ethic.

Zoran Dragic (MIA): In a freak occurrence of genetics, brother Goran generates twice the regular amount of Dragic smell, leaving Zoran completely odorless.

Channing Frye (ORL): Can only be smelled from far away.

Kris Humphries (WAS): Humphries’s utter lack of scent is what enables him to set picks while simultaneously dribbling the ball.

Harrison Barnes (GS): Harrison Barnes is a talented player who often seems disinterested in smelling like anything, when in fact he smells like frozen hand lotion (which does not have a smell).

Austin Rivers (LAC): Only his dad can smell him.

Jordan Clarkson (LAL): Smells like fantasy league’s waiver wire that has been left open in a browser tab for days. That is: like static electricity. That is: like nothing at all.

Danny Granger (PHX): His smell is still in Indianapolis, where it leads the Pacers in scoring.

Nik Stauskas (SAC): Stauskas's lack of smell is a long-running inside joke among teammates. He can turn it off and on, and will probably stink to high heaven in the offseason. Canadians are unusual.

Charlie Villanueva (DAL): Now is as good a time as any to remind you that not smelling at all does not mean you are a bad person, just that you cannot be smelled.

Nick Johnson (HOU): Had smell removed in a minor offseason surgical procedure.

Courtney Lee (MEM): Only member of the Memphis Grizzlies who does not smell at least somewhat like murder blood.

Jimmer Fredette (NO): Does actually smell like whole milk but is therefore completely undetectable on a dairy farm. Any team of bloodhounds who tracks him to a dairy farm would lose their shit trying to figure out what happened to him while he escapes, cackling, on a milk truck. Fredette!

Tim Duncan (SA): Tim Duncan has a spray can in his locker labeled "Old Spice," but upon closer investigation it is actually a smaller spray can within a decoy Old Spice can. The smaller spray can is simply labeled "Human Smell." Ask him about it and he’ll just tell you about how his team needs to execute more on offense.

Erick Green (DEN): Kind of a trick question here, as most of the Denver Nuggets do not smell due to altitude.

Chase Budinger (MIN): His playing style can best be described as “he moves like a man who is constantly aware of and puzzled by his own odorlessness.”

Kyle Singler (OKC): Smells like vinegar, but only because he splashes vinegar all over himself. Singler actually does not smell like vinegar or anything else.

Meyers Leonard (POR): No longer smells like “that new Meyers Leonard smell.”

Jack Cooley (UTA): Made up player, does not exist. Smells like literary invention.

Jonas Jerebko (BOS): The least-smelling player currently in the NBA. Sleeps in an Ikea box with his name on the side of it.

COACH - Steve Kerr (GS): Steve Kerr smells like the oxygen they pump into Las Vegas casinos to keep everybody awake and alert and gambling until 4am. Oxygen is odorless.

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