Internet Proctology: The ESPN Star Cricket Scam

Share |

Trying to come up with metaphors for the internet is a fool's errand. It's an open sewer with giant raw jewels floating around in it. An exploded drawing of the national unconscious, but somehow even heavier on the pornography than you'd expect. A series of tubes, many of them frankly intestinal. Feel free to attempt your own, although they will of course not be right. The internet is the internet is the internet: a reflection of the good and gross, funny and sad, indispensable and wholly useless, alive and very, very sick aspects of what we think and do, and also simultaneously the way we communicate all those things to one another.

Which means that spammy hustle-emails are not just a part of the internet, but actually an accurate representation of what's percolating in the internet's cloaca-brain (they're the same, but since the internet is not a real thing this is possible). So was it surprising that Shoals got a spam email alerting him that he had won £1,000,000 from the good and randomly generous folks at ESPN Star Cricket? Probably for him. He claims not even to have known that he'd been entered in the contest, although apparently all "email owners" were in the drawing. He's still talking things out with his financial adviser, but he has authorized me to let The Clog's readership know about his good fortune, and to thank ESPN's South Asia sports site for helping "salvage his finances and develop his community."

I find most spam emails fascinating and funny, which is mostly on me. But the garbled colonial/Babblefish English and the unlikely scenarios are only part of that. Admittedly, it's the funniest part, as the rest of it is mostly dodgy, poorly executed hustle. But the rest of the stuff in the (weirdly very long!) ESPN Star Cricket hustle-email that Shoals got is kind of fascinating both in its ham-fisted appropriation of the various ways people talk about haphazardly distributed money circa now and in the almost poignant sense of who is distributing it to whom, and how: "This financial bailout plan is funded by , Microsoft Corporation/Yahoo Incorporated, United Nations Agencies, Economic Development Organizations and Regional Unions which include the African Union (AU), Asia Cooperation Dialogue (ACD), European Union (EU), Union of South American Nations (UNASUR), North American Union (NAU), etc." Sic, etc.

Ah, that generous North American Union. You know the one. The theoretical EU-style amalgam of the continent's economies that doesn't actually exist, but which Prison Planet goofs get up a sweat agitating against anyway. It probably would've been better if they'd offered Shoals a million Ameros, honestly. The most surprising part of it, to me, is that this is the first time ESPN has been dragged into this thing. The internet needs to get on the fucking stick and start sending me emails from John Clayton (via an off-addressed .ru email account) letting me know that I just won a million dollars from The Esperanto Institute, Albert Haynesworth, George Soros/Linda Cohn, and The Council on Foreign Relations.

Here, for connoisseurs of the genre, is the entire ESPN Cricket Star £1,000,000 Giveaway Email. Enjoy it. It is the sound of someone in this dumb, desperate world betting that you are dumber and desperate than s/he is:

Dear Email Owner,

This E-mail is to officially inform you that your E-mail Address have been verified and pronounced as the lucky Winner Of £1,000,000.00 GBP, in the 2011 Award By (ESPN Star Cricket Draw Promotion UK) wishes to congratulate you over your E-mail Address success in this financial bailout plan. Your E-mail Address emerged as one of the ten final recipients of a Cash Grant/Donation of (One Million Great British Pounds) to salvage your finances and to develop your community. This cash grant is a gift you will never be required to pay it back.

This financial bailout plan is funded by , Microsoft Corporation/Yahoo Incorporated, United Nations Agencies, Economic Development Organizations and Regional Unions which include the African Union (AU), Asia Cooperation Dialogue (ACD), European Union (EU), Union of South American Nations (UNASUR), North American Union (NAU), etc. in an effort to reduce the impact of food and financial crisis around the world. The leaders of these organizations by (ESPN STAR CRICKET AWARD) held in London UK, and made donations for this programme. We were engaged to carry out the task of conducting the E-mail Address balloting and to subsequently pay winners.

Note that all participants’ E-mail Address were selected randomly from E-mail Address companies from all over countries of the world through a random sampling and your E-mail Address is attached to file reference number (ESC-P038/C098Q/02/LTY) that emerged as one of the lucky numbers that won the sum of (One Million Great British Pounds) £1,000,000.00 GBP.

Our method of payment is through A Demand Bank Draft that will be Issue In your favour So that you can easily en-cash it in your country. All you have to do now is to provide us with the information below to enable the Management of our company issue you the Bank Draft in your favour, you are required to fill the Verification & Funds Release Form below.

For you to receive your won prize you must forward your information to our official email:  espnstarcricket121@msn.com

VERIFICATION AND FUNDS RELEASE FORM
1. Full Name's:
2. Sex:                
3. Country:
4. State/City:
5. Contact Address:
6. Mobile/Tel Number:
7. Marital Status:
8. Occupation:
9. Date/Age:
10. Pin Code:
11. File Reference Number:
12. Winning E-Mail:
13. Amount Won:
14. Have You Won Before: Yes Or No? .........

For claims of your winning funds you are advice to send us your information via email below:
Email:  espnstarcricket121@msn.com

Tel: +448719740724  

As a security measure, you are asked to keep your winning information confidential until you have made your claim. This is mainly to avoid putting up double claims with your Email Address which will result to the cancellation of your cash grant. On behalf of myself and all staff of ESPN STAR CRICKET ORGANIZATION, I say congratulations once again.

Your sincerely,
Mr. Graham Smith.
(Asia - Coordinator Claim Department)
Tel: +448719740724
Email: espnstarcricket121@msn.com
ESPN Star Cricket Draw Promotion UK.

Share |

Comments

I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article. I am hoping the same best work from you in the future as well..
frontier prepaid lights

Outstanding blog, in my opinion site owners should acquire a great deal out of this blog its very user welcoming. lifr indurance

It's not my very first time to visit this blog; I’m visiting this daily and acquire superb info from here day by day.va online payday loans

8 ball pool hack cydia It is fine, nonetheless evaluate the information and facts around this correct. clash of clans juwelen cheat

buy vine followers Great post i must say and thanks for the information. Education is definitely a sticky subject. However, is still among the leading topics of our time. I appreciate your post and look forward to more. buy youtube views

Avanda Game is the cool player’s secret destination for the hottest download games. Whether you enjoy card games or feel like racing cars, Free Download Pc, Android, PPSSPP Games Free Download PC Games Latest Version, Download Android Games Apk, Free Download PPSSPP Games, Games For Pc and Android Apk Full Version Descargar Gratis 2015 want to test your mystery solving ability with hidden object games or have a hankering for adventure, you can satisfy your craving 24/7 here!

When your call connects with any of the Gmail Technical Support representatives, he/she listens you properly before suggesting you with the best possible solutions. You can take the service of these professionals over the phone or via the chat. If you are a free member, you will be assisted through the email. DANTES Exams

occasioned changes did alter the fronts and backs of the cards in ways that no other player would or could have demanded. http://www.amazon.com/SpeedyPC-Reviews-Review-Download-Official/dp/B013OPJ0BM

Thanks for this great post, i find it very interesting and very well thought out and put together. I look forward to reading your work in the future. diamond wedding bands for women

I was very pleased to find this site.I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post. the venus factor reviews

he end of the day been compensated with pleasant insight to talk about with my family and friends. Continue

piqued a lot of positive interest. I can see why since you have done such a good job of making it interesting. Low OBL backlinks < 100

I also found your posts very interesting. In fact after reading, I had to go show it to my friend and he ejoyed it as well How To Become An Ultrasound Technician

We Are A Full-Service Provider Of High Quality Backlinks That Help Boost Traffic, Increase Rankings, And Build Authority. With Years Of Experience We Know Exactly What Type Of Manual Dofollow Blog Comments It Takes To Quickly Increase Your Online Visibility
manual backlinks

On behalf of myself id pills
and all staff of ESPN STAR CRICKET ORGANIZATION, I say congratulations once again

you are asked to keep your winning information confidential until you have made your claim. dofollow backlink service

I am just pretty happy to sign up ones own guestbook these days,Your own feedback and listed below are excellent in my opinion,incidentally I should say also definitely will teach some great supplements for your needs every. unlock cell phone codes

I am very enjoyed for this blog. Its an informative topic. It help me very much to solve some problems. Its opportunity are so fantastic and working style so speedy...read more

I really enjoyed the quality information you offer to your visitors for this blog. what is dedicated hosting

I am just pretty happy to sign up ones own guestbook these days,Your own feedback and listed below are excellent in my opinion,incidentally I should say also definitely will teach some great supplements for your needs every. ..premium wp themes

One of them, believe it or not, led the league in Goals Against Average. Disappointingly, only one of them is named "Anton." Good luck. 60x salvia for sale

Ixperia IT Schulung und Beratung An 18 Standorten in Deutschland bieten wir anspruchsvollen Führungskräften und Mitarbeitern erfolgreich Seminare zu den Themen IT Service Management, ITIL, Projektmanagement und Prince2 in exzellenter Atmosphäre. Sowohl fachlich als auch für die Durchführung erhalten wir von unseren Teilnehmern dafür die besten Beurteilungen mit 100% Erfolgsgarantie. ITIL Expert

On behalf of myself and all staff of ESPN STAR CRICKET ORGANIZATION, I say congratulations once again. Somanabolic Muscle Maximizer Review

Your article has piqued a lot of positive interest. I can see why since you have done such a good job of making it interesting goji pro

"Have you won before"

I think this is either my favorite, or least favorite, part of the whole thing. I'm not sure if they added it for "authenticity" - which would make it my favorite thing, or because people actually get duped by these things more than once. If it's the latter, I feel bad for the future of humanity.

Alas, I hope this isn't the only time cricket gets mentioned on the site!

Isn't the North American Union the thing Tiny Lister was president of in The Fifth Element?

Pretty sure that was the Bilderbergs, Pete. (Also Tiny Lister really would be the president of a North American Union if/WHEN it exists)