I Fucked Scott Spiezio, The Television Program

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David Roth: Eric Nusbaum, did you watch VH1's Baseball Wives? Because I didn't.

Eric Nusbaum: No, I just watched the supertrailer.

David: Oh, cool, I watched about half of that. So we should definitely talk about it.

David: I like VH1's approach. Rounding up a bunch of people who have at some point been married to members of the 2003 Pirates, plugging in a random reality TV type who was apparently never married to any baseball player, making sure the emphasis stays on producer-mandated, Chardonnay-powered spats about who's really "a fake person" – the building blocks of a winning franchise are all there.

Eric: I think the unmarried one dated Nyjer Morgan? I love how ex-wives count as wives.

David: I should mention that while I hate all of this with every fiber of my being, I do like living in a world in which the words "I dated Nyjer Morgan" can get you a job. Also, if you're going to build a show based on materialism, crassness, chuckleheaded vanity and gaudy, overly air-conditioned living rooms, bringing in Anna Benson is a very good look. She was a reality TV monster before anyone even knew what that was, and the fact that she now looks kind of like Robert Smith from The Cure doesn't change that.

Eric: It's all white chicks.

David: Well, where are you going to find non-white players in baseball? I can't really fault VH1 for that.

Eric: Apparently one of the people on the show is now engaged to Rod Stewart's son.

David: How embarrassing for her. Is it Jenna Meares-Kendall?

Eric: I'm pretty sure her name is actually Chantel Kendall.

David: I'm way more into making up names than I am into being correct about any of this. What I learned from #ImaginaryBaseballWives, besides the fact that there are people out there keen on writing Garvey-on-Valenzuela slashfic, is that the internet is better at making up names for baseball wives than VH1 could possibly be at making their howling, petty Phoenix-area wine-lunches interesting. I'd rather think of the names "Sheila Naehring," "Ashleigh Theriot," "Tammy Sax" or "Vicky Ledee" than actually watch the baseball wives/divorcees/ex-girlfriends do anything, let alone go shopping for watches.

Eric: I like to make up backgrounds. Jenna Meares-Kendall was actually a social worker before she met Jason.

David: That's plausible. Not as plausible as Anna Benson starting an argument over some bullshit on a boat with Gloria Villone or whatever her name is. Reality/"reality" is disappointing that way.

Eric: I am picturing Gloria Villone as an even more conflicted version of Carmela Soprano. Her baked ziti is amazing and she's very proud of it. She once spent a very innocent night with Dusty Baker.

David: "He's a gentle man. A gentleman, but also a gentle man."


David: I shouldn't be judging this yet, though. Until I've tried to get on TV because I fucked Scott Spiezio in a Mitsubishi Montero outside an Orange County nightclub called Riskay, I should probably keep my peace.

David: (Is there a way we could make "Fucked Scott Spiezio" into a euphemism on the site? For instance: "Sorry, I kind of fucked Scott Spiezio with those typos. Next time I'll copy-edit more closely")

Eric: I think "I Fucked Scott Spezio" can actually be the title of the post. We're kind of fucking Scott Spiezio right now.

David: The SEO is off the charts.

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Is the a counter-meme to "I Fucked Scott Spiezio" something like "I Married Barry Zito"? I mean, he's rich, good looking and seems like a cool dude. "So how did you do on the civics exam?" "I totally just married Barry Zito!"

The appropriate sequel: #RetroBaseballWives

Marilyn Petersen and Susanne Kekich have a lot to say, I'm sure.

I support this meme.

"Our server really fucked Scott Spezio while we were trying to launch."

Aw man, and I effed Spiezio silly trying to embed the (actual) Baseball Wives trailer video on this post. The poor guy has had a rough day at our collective hand today. I hope he writes a Sandfrog song about it.

I've never been more disappointed to miss something on Twitter than I am about missing #ImaginaryBaseballWives. Amazing.


At least you got here just in time for their imaginary divorce.