Fun With MLS Team Names

Share |

The 2015 MLS season is happening, starting today. In the interest of completism and exploration of the idiosyncrasies of this absurd league, let’s go through every team, alphabetically, and make a highly scientific effort to determine how many players on each team that team’s mascot accurately describes.

Chicago Fire: None of the Fire are actually on fire and a cursory search for “Chicago Fire player arson” is so bogged down by the TV show that I think it's safe to assume they didn't hire any arsonists. But Jeff Larentowicz has red hair, so that makes one.

Colorado Rapids: All professional athletes are fast, but after watching Colorado a bunch last season, it seems that seven Colorado Rapids are truly rapid. DeShorn Brown once scored a goal 14 seconds into a game, making him the most rapid of all the Rapids. Joe Nasco, he of the 34-second red card, is unfortunately gone.

Columbus Crew: Duh, every single one of them is crew. This is like naming your sports team Sports Team Club.

DC United: Tempted to repeat the Crew answer here, but Conor Doyle has played for both the youth international teams of both the USA and Ireland, which is not a very united move, so all of DC United minus Conor Doyle.

FC Dallas: Obviously they're all a football club, but their nickname is the Hoops, so I ran the numbers and 13 FC Dallas players have the letter O in their name.

Houston Dynamo: Houston are not a dynamic team. Their best players are all over 30. So, to get literal, a dynamo is a magnetic conduction device that does science stuff. Science is taught in colleges. 12 Houston players went to college.

LA Galaxy: MLS is really bottom heavy, alphabetically speaking. No A or B teams and we got to the middle of the 'phabet real quick. Anyway, Galaxy is a good nickname but only Bradford Jamieson IV and Gyasi Zardes have hair that looks like a starscape, so two.

Montreal Impact: Ignacio Piatti is the only impactful player, but they also have Calum Mallace, which is a great Scottish name I wish I made up.

New England Revolution: A revolution is when you overturn the orthodoxy and replace it with a new system. This doesn’t apply to soccer at a player-to-player scale at all, but for our purposes, seven Revolution players have played professionally in multiple countries.

New York City FC: Everyone on this team is new, but eight players are also new to the USA, which is the country where New York City is located. That is, before City Football Group and their Qatari financiers buy it and relocate it to Mars in 2030.

New York Red Bulls: There are no ungulates on this team, but like Chicago, they have one redhead. Unlike Chicago's, New York's is named Dax. He and Mix Diskerud are going to have to fight to see who gets to keep their three-letter name ending in “x” and who has to go back to using their real name (coincidentally, both are really named Michael).

Orlando City SC: In five years, when every team is just named after its city and MLS is fully boring and sensible, I won't get to do this game anymore. Or rather, I'll have to twist my logic like how I am about to do with Orlando City. They have a lion on their crest so I went through and guessed who was a cat person. Kaka leads a group of 12.

Philadelphia Union: They're all on the same team.

Portland Timbers: Trees tend to be very tall. Three members of the Portland Timbers are over 6-foot-2, including Nat Borchers, who looks like he is carved out of wood.

Real Salt Lake: Salt Lake is definitely real and every player is real too, probably, although I can’t confirm because I’ve only ever seen Kyle Beckerman in real life. I don’t want to cross my wires, ontologically speaking, and assume who is a holograph and who is not. But they have two royal players, most royal of whom is Beckerman because his hair is like a patchouli crown. The other is Luke Mulholland, who is from England, a small cold island that still has a monarch.

San Jose Earthquakes: The feature of the San Andreas fault that Avaya Stadium is closest to is the Monte Vista thrust fault. Most of the San Andreas is a transform fault but there are still vestiges of it's subductive past. Look at that, science is messy and indescribable by schematics a lot of the time. Anyway, zero Earthquakes are actual earthquakes.

Seattle Sounders: Regionally specific, weird nicknames are great. Sometimes, I wish the Sacramento Kings, my favorite and coincidentally also the best NBA team, would embrace their identity and rebrand themselves the Riverboats or something. The only thing with Seattle is, you can't really personify the qualities of the Puget Sound. It's just sort of there. But! The Sounders play in rave green. Once my friend went to a rave at CenturyLink Field. How many Sounders could be ravers? Six, according to our math department.

Sporting Kansas City: Of all the funny rebrands during MLS' phase of appropriating the prefixes of famous clubs from around the world (e.g: Real, United), Sporting KC is certainly the funniest. I really hope the Atlanta expansion team has 'Mes Que Un Club' printed on the inside of one sleeve and 'You'll Never Walk Alone' on the other. Embrace the troll role! Before they became Sporting, they were the Wizards which is great and nonsensical and not geographically specific. In the interest of revisionist history, there are six wizards (defined here as very good players) on KC, at least until Erik Palmer-Brown goes and wins the Champions League with Juventus.

Toronto FC: MLS' answer to the wheel-spinning excess of the Brooklyn Nets. The subsection for the current era of TFC football on Wikipedia is entitled "New Levels of Ambition and Instability,” which is about right. Their only nickname is the Reds, a schtick which I've already had fun with. One of the rejected nicknames was the Toronto Northmen and they have nine players from Canada or other countries north of the US.

Vancouver Whitecaps: I hope that out there somewhere, in the murky corners of Boat Internet, there is a healthy community of sailing bloggers. If I found this world and convinced them to accept me, I would show someone pictures of every Whitecap and see which one has the specs to hack it in the world of competitive sailing. But that’s not gonna happen, so let’s shorten Whitecaps to caps. Eight players have made their full international debuts and earned caps.

Share |


That's look into you ought to special groundwork ahead of when authoring. Shall be likely that will even more alluring blog post through this industry. 카지노사이트

Hey to everyone, it’s my first visit of the blog site; this blog includes awesome and actually best info for the visitors.
hero construction

I can see that you are an expert at your field! I am launching a website soon, and your information will be very useful for me.. wishing you all the success in your business. cranial adjustments

Thanks for the entire information you have given here to impart knowledge amongst us?
Tax attorney nearest to me

I am continually amazed by the amount of information available on this subject. What you presented was well researched and well worded in order to get your stand on this across to all your readers. parimatch

I went to this website, and I believe that you have a plenty of excellent information, I have saved your site to my bookmarks.

Your articles and blogs are inspirational.
obgyn doctor

I waterfrontt any phrase to realize this call.....truely i'm impressed from this make recognized....the individual that make this screen it changed into a very good human..thanks for shared this long past us. Tauchen In Hurghada

thank you for taking the generation to speak about this, I surroundings strongly approximately it and increase mastering extra coming near this situation. If plausible, as you income gaining, could you mind updating your blog deliberating greater sponsorship? it's far thoroughly yielding for me. 스포츠토토

I like this post,And I guess that they having fun to read this post,they shall take a good site to make a information,thanks for sharing it to me.

cute life quotes in english

thanks for taking the end up outdated to talk about this, I feel strongly nearly it and have an impact on a pedestal mastering more on the order of this concern. Showbox APK Latest Version

Sup, just wanted to say that this site feels great, keep it up. Costumes Rock Couple costumes

clearly a fulfilling calculation. i've admission this astounding proclaim. thank you for sharing recommendation roughly it. I in truth further to that. thanks correctly lot to your convene. Shopify

Hi there! Nice stuff, do keep me posted when you post again something like this! Best Dentist In Beverly Hills

I truly adored perusing your web journal. It was extremely all around composed and straightforward. Not at all like different online journals I have perused which are truly not that good.Thanks alot! merchant account for online casino

I gotta most loved this site it appears to be exceptionally useful . visqueen sheetng

A debt of gratitude is in order for sharing this data. I truly like your blog entry all that much. You have truly shared a useful and intriguing blog entry with individuals.. roupas para revender

thanks due to the fact you have been precise-natured to percentage opinion subsequent to us. we are able to continually recognize all you have finished here because I understand you are selected worried thinking about our. cheap thesis papers

Can I merely say thats a relief to find somebody that really knows what theyre discussing on-line. You certainly discover how to bring an issue to light and make it critical. The diet have to check this out and understand this side of your story. I cant believe youre less common when you certainly develop the gift. Long Distance Moving San Diego

Thanks a lot for sharing us about this update. Hope you will not get tired on making posts as informative as this. BRC_LymBiop_Storyboard

You’ve got some interesting points in this article. I would have never considered any of these if I didn’t come across this. Thanks!. Medical Spa Financing

I know your aptitude on this. I must say we ought to have an online talk on this. Composing just remarks will close the examination straight away! What's more, will confine the advantages from this data. טיסה בזול

I am cheerful to discover this post Very helpful for me, as it contains parcel of data. I Always want to peruse The Quality and happy I discovered this thing in you post. Much oblig VIP Financing Solutions Reviews

I concede, I have not been on this page in quite a while... on the other hand it was another happiness to see It is such an imperative subject and disregarded by such a large number of, even experts. experts. I thank you to help making individuals more mindful of conceivable issues. FS 19 mods

I like this post,And I figure that they having a great time to peruse this post,they might take a decent site to make an information,thanks for sharing it to me. private investigator Singapore

Great Article it its really informative and innovative keep us posted with new updates. 먹튀

Awesome post, and incredible site. Much obliged for the data! Flavourart

Much appreciated such a great amount for this data. I need to tell you I agree on a few of the focuses you make here and others may require some further survey, yet I can see your perspective. darknet

This was truly an intriguing point and I kinda concur with what you have specified here! Business Coaching Frankfurt

I haven't any word to welcome this post.....Really i am inspired from this post....the individual who make this post it was an awesome human..thanks for imparted this to us. curtidas no instagram

I haven't any word to welcome this post.....Really i am inspired from this post....the individual who make this post it was an awesome human..thanks for imparted this to us. Douglas County traffic attorney

Awesome article Lot's of data to Read...Great Man Keep Posting and upgrade to People..Thanks womens dresses

Awesome and interesting article. Great things you've always shared with us. Thanks. Just continue composing this kind of post. full length mirror

I gotta favorite this website it seems very helpful . free samples by mail no surveys

Much thanks for this helpful article. I like it. buy forskolin

I simply discovered this online journal and have high trusts in it to proceed. Keep up the immense work, its elusive great ones. I have added to my top picks. Much obliged to You. rustic wood mirror

Only aspire to mention ones content can be as incredible. This clarity with your post is superb and that i may think you’re a guru for this issue. High-quality along with your concur permit me to to seize your current give to keep modified by using approaching blog post. Thanks a lot hundreds of along with you should go on the pleasurable get the job done. website marketing company

I take in some new stuff from it as well, a debt of gratitude is in order for sharing your data. reverse osmosis water filter

Thankyou for this wondrous post, I am glad I observed this website on yahoo.

You fully match our expectation and the selection of our data.
Mark Curry Macfarlane Group

Wonderful post and you share excellent content in this post i am happy to comment on this Desnuda

I am hoping the same best effort from you in the future as well. In fact your creative writing skills has inspired me. voyance gratuite immediate

First You got a great blog .I will be interested in more similar topics. i see you got really very useful topics, i will be always checking your blog thanks John

This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free. I love seeing websites that understand the value of providing a quality resource for free. It is the old what goes around comes around routine. Webdesign

Hey there, You’ve done a great job. I’ll certainly digg it and personally recommend to my friends. I am sure they’ll be benefited from this web site. 토토사이트 추천

Wonderful post and you share excellent content in this post i am happy to comment on this..voyante telephone

Your articles are inventive. I am looking forward to reading the plethora of articles that you have linked here. Thumbs up!

Your articles are inventive. I am looking forward to reading the plethora of articles that you have linked here. Thumbs up!

A very excellent blog post. I am thankful for your blog post. I have found a lot of approaches after visiting your post.

'm really satisfied to find this site. I have to thank you only for this wonderful read!! I surely loved each and every piece of it and in like way have you bookmarked to see new stuff on your site If you require any guidance or offer assistance..