Fun With MLS Team Names

Share |

The 2015 MLS season is happening, starting today. In the interest of completism and exploration of the idiosyncrasies of this absurd league, let’s go through every team, alphabetically, and make a highly scientific effort to determine how many players on each team that team’s mascot accurately describes.

Chicago Fire: None of the Fire are actually on fire and a cursory search for “Chicago Fire player arson” is so bogged down by the TV show that I think it's safe to assume they didn't hire any arsonists. But Jeff Larentowicz has red hair, so that makes one.

Colorado Rapids: All professional athletes are fast, but after watching Colorado a bunch last season, it seems that seven Colorado Rapids are truly rapid. DeShorn Brown once scored a goal 14 seconds into a game, making him the most rapid of all the Rapids. Joe Nasco, he of the 34-second red card, is unfortunately gone.

Columbus Crew: Duh, every single one of them is crew. This is like naming your sports team Sports Team Club.

DC United: Tempted to repeat the Crew answer here, but Conor Doyle has played for both the youth international teams of both the USA and Ireland, which is not a very united move, so all of DC United minus Conor Doyle.

FC Dallas: Obviously they're all a football club, but their nickname is the Hoops, so I ran the numbers and 13 FC Dallas players have the letter O in their name.

Houston Dynamo: Houston are not a dynamic team. Their best players are all over 30. So, to get literal, a dynamo is a magnetic conduction device that does science stuff. Science is taught in colleges. 12 Houston players went to college.

LA Galaxy: MLS is really bottom heavy, alphabetically speaking. No A or B teams and we got to the middle of the 'phabet real quick. Anyway, Galaxy is a good nickname but only Bradford Jamieson IV and Gyasi Zardes have hair that looks like a starscape, so two.

Montreal Impact: Ignacio Piatti is the only impactful player, but they also have Calum Mallace, which is a great Scottish name I wish I made up.

New England Revolution: A revolution is when you overturn the orthodoxy and replace it with a new system. This doesn’t apply to soccer at a player-to-player scale at all, but for our purposes, seven Revolution players have played professionally in multiple countries.

New York City FC: Everyone on this team is new, but eight players are also new to the USA, which is the country where New York City is located. That is, before City Football Group and their Qatari financiers buy it and relocate it to Mars in 2030.

New York Red Bulls: There are no ungulates on this team, but like Chicago, they have one redhead. Unlike Chicago's, New York's is named Dax. He and Mix Diskerud are going to have to fight to see who gets to keep their three-letter name ending in “x” and who has to go back to using their real name (coincidentally, both are really named Michael).

Orlando City SC: In five years, when every team is just named after its city and MLS is fully boring and sensible, I won't get to do this game anymore. Or rather, I'll have to twist my logic like how I am about to do with Orlando City. They have a lion on their crest so I went through and guessed who was a cat person. Kaka leads a group of 12.

Philadelphia Union: They're all on the same team.

Portland Timbers: Trees tend to be very tall. Three members of the Portland Timbers are over 6-foot-2, including Nat Borchers, who looks like he is carved out of wood.

Real Salt Lake: Salt Lake is definitely real and every player is real too, probably, although I can’t confirm because I’ve only ever seen Kyle Beckerman in real life. I don’t want to cross my wires, ontologically speaking, and assume who is a holograph and who is not. But they have two royal players, most royal of whom is Beckerman because his hair is like a patchouli crown. The other is Luke Mulholland, who is from England, a small cold island that still has a monarch.

San Jose Earthquakes: The feature of the San Andreas fault that Avaya Stadium is closest to is the Monte Vista thrust fault. Most of the San Andreas is a transform fault but there are still vestiges of it's subductive past. Look at that, science is messy and indescribable by schematics a lot of the time. Anyway, zero Earthquakes are actual earthquakes.

Seattle Sounders: Regionally specific, weird nicknames are great. Sometimes, I wish the Sacramento Kings, my favorite and coincidentally also the best NBA team, would embrace their identity and rebrand themselves the Riverboats or something. The only thing with Seattle is, you can't really personify the qualities of the Puget Sound. It's just sort of there. But! The Sounders play in rave green. Once my friend went to a rave at CenturyLink Field. How many Sounders could be ravers? Six, according to our math department.

Sporting Kansas City: Of all the funny rebrands during MLS' phase of appropriating the prefixes of famous clubs from around the world (e.g: Real, United), Sporting KC is certainly the funniest. I really hope the Atlanta expansion team has 'Mes Que Un Club' printed on the inside of one sleeve and 'You'll Never Walk Alone' on the other. Embrace the troll role! Before they became Sporting, they were the Wizards which is great and nonsensical and not geographically specific. In the interest of revisionist history, there are six wizards (defined here as very good players) on KC, at least until Erik Palmer-Brown goes and wins the Champions League with Juventus.

Toronto FC: MLS' answer to the wheel-spinning excess of the Brooklyn Nets. The subsection for the current era of TFC football on Wikipedia is entitled "New Levels of Ambition and Instability,” which is about right. Their only nickname is the Reds, a schtick which I've already had fun with. One of the rejected nicknames was the Toronto Northmen and they have nine players from Canada or other countries north of the US.

Vancouver Whitecaps: I hope that out there somewhere, in the murky corners of Boat Internet, there is a healthy community of sailing bloggers. If I found this world and convinced them to accept me, I would show someone pictures of every Whitecap and see which one has the specs to hack it in the world of competitive sailing. But that’s not gonna happen, so let’s shorten Whitecaps to caps. Eight players have made their full international debuts and earned caps.

Share |

Comments

it was a wonderful chance to visit this kind of site and I am happy to know. thank you so much for giving us a chance to have this opportunity.. http://clubztutoring.com/subjects-we-tutor/math-tutoring/

Really a great addition. I have read this marvelous post. Thanks for sharing information about it. I really like that. Thanks so lot for your convene. Test Bank for Legal Terminology 7th Edition by Kauffman

I prefer the share. Its amazing to decide one discuss through written text in your cardiovascular not to mention quality on this fundamental content is often quite simply realized. discount

Wonderful post and you share excellent content in this post i am happy to comment on this Desnuda

I am hoping the same best effort from you in the future as well. In fact your creative writing skills has inspired me. voyance gratuite immediate

First You got a great blog .I will be interested in more similar topics. i see you got really very useful topics, i will be always checking your blog thanks John

This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free. I love seeing websites that understand the value of providing a quality resource for free. It is the old what goes around comes around routine. Webdesign

Wonderful post and you share excellent content in this post i am happy to comment on this..voyante telephone

Your articles are inventive. I am looking forward to reading the plethora of articles that you have linked here. Thumbs up! https://sites.google.com/site/duancanhovincityquan9/

Your articles are inventive. I am looking forward to reading the plethora of articles that you have linked here. Thumbs up! https://sites.google.com/site/duancanhovincityquan9/

A very excellent blog post. I am thankful for your blog post. I have found a lot of approaches after visiting your post. https://canhovincityquan9site.wordpress.com/

'm really satisfied to find this site. I have to thank you only for this wonderful read!! I surely loved each and every piece of it and in like way have you bookmarked to see new stuff on your site If you require any guidance or offer assistance..
treatment

Efficiently written information. It will be profitable to anybody who utilizes it, counting me. Keep up the good work. For certain I will review out more posts day in and day out. PP zwembaden

I am hoping the same best effort from you in the future as well. In fact your creative writing skills has inspired me.

You understand your projects stand out of the crowd. There is something unique about them. It seems to me all of them are brilliant. http://canho-vincity-quan9.blogspot.com/2018/04/du-long-hau-tt-co-nhung-tien-ich-vuot-troi-so-voi-du-an-khac-cung-khu-vuc.html

You understand your projects stand out of the crowd. There is something unique about them. It seems to me all of them are brilliant. http://canho-vincity-quan9.blogspot.com/2018/04/du-long-hau-tt-co-nhung-tien-ich-vuot-troi-so-voi-du-an-khac-cung-khu-vuc.html

Positive site, where did u come up with the information on this posting?I have read a few of the articles on your website now, and I really like your style. Thanks a million and please keep up the effective work.MovieBox App

Thank you a bunch for sharing this with all of us you actually realize what you are talking about! Bookmarked. Please also seek advice from my site =). We could have a hyperlink change contract between us! Custom Web Design

Very informative post! There is a lot of information here that can help any business get started with a successful social networking campaign.

Positive site, where did u come up with the information on this posting? I'm pleased I discovered it though, ill be checking back soon to find out what additional posts you include. Ramdan Status

Wonderful article. Fascinating to read. I love to read such an excellent article. Thanks! It has made my task more and extra easy. Keep rocking. daftar bandar bola online terpercaya

I am hoping the same best effort from you in the future as well. In fact your creative writing skills has inspired me. Earrings online

I am hoping the same best effort from you in the future as well. In fact your creative writing skills has inspired me. Earrings online

I can inform you about the students who are willing to give you good reviews as they are extremely pleased with your work.
alphamalesupplement legal steroids

They want so hard to be with our exclusive beats and real but they all end up recording in the studio booth a similar quality sound and put out the same options and stems. The ones who try to buy beats online away from the formula either are very familiar lame or are named like the beat shop. He is the only one that can make different hip hop beats for sale but can also find a way to produce and beatmaking into the mainstream hip hop. She is also able to sell underground as well. hip hop beats for sale

Your work here on this blog has been top notch from day 1. You've been continously providing amazing articles for us all to read and I just hope that you keep it going on in the future as well. voyance par tel

Thank you a bunch for sharing this with all of us you actually realize what you are talking about! Bookmarked. Please also seek advice from my site =). We could have a hyperlink change contract between us! Test Bank for AM GOV 2017 2018 5th Edition By Losco

I found this really helpful. I hope you continue to put out great content like it. emiratesvisit.com

Thanks for sharing this interesting blog with us.My pleasure to being here on your blog..I wanna come beck here for new post from your site.
the woodlands certified financial planner

The information you have posted is very useful. The sites you have referred was good. Thanks for sharing.betcrazy.co.uk

This is really a nice and informative, containing all information and also has a great impact on the new technology. Thanks for sharing it..
Ankauf von Handys, Smarphones, Tablets und Platinen!

I am jovial you take pride in what you write. It makes you stand way out from many other writers that can not push high-quality content like you. engineering mechanics statics 8th edition

Great job for publishing such a beneficial web site. Your web log isn’t only useful but it is additionally really creative too. There tend to be not many people who can certainly write not so simple posts that artistically.,
Elektro recycling

Great job for publishing such a beneficial web site. Your web log isn’t only useful but it is additionally really creative too. There tend to be not many people who can certainly write not so simple posts that artistically.,
Elektro recycling

Intriguing post. I Have Been pondering about this issue, so much obliged for posting. Really cool post.It "s truly extremely pleasant and Useful post.Thanks lotus flower bomb

First You got a great blog .I will be interested in more similar topics. i see you got really very useful topics, i will be always checking your blog thanks.paper writer

First You got a great blog .I will be interested in more similar topics. i see you got really very useful topics, i will be always checking your blog thanks.paper writer

I would like to say that this blog really convinced me to do it! Thanks, very good post.https://www.minds.com/blog/view/773125193173311488

I am hoping the same best effort from you in the future as well. In fact your creative writing skills has inspired me.
Dress coloring pages

I am hoping the same best effort from you in the future as well. In fact your creative writing skills has inspired me.
Dress coloring pages

Nothing compares to Weber using Genesis sort of grills. That is certainly the type gas grills which have been that will always make sure that they deliver a high performance part of down interval Viking Range Repair in Orange County

I like this post,And I figure that they having a great time to peruse this post,they might take a decent site to make an information,thanks for sharing it to me. ByteJournal Magazine

Thanks for taking the time to discuss this, I feel strongly that love and read more on this topic. If possible, such as gain knowledge, would you mind updating your blog with additional information? It is very useful for me. nursing test banks

Waow this is quite pleasant article, my sister love to read such type of post, I am going to tell her and bookmarking this webpage. Thanks publix

I like this post,And I figure that they having a great time to peruse this post,they might take a decent site to make an information,thanks for sharing it to me. https://www.1800phonenumbers.org/department-stores

It was extremely all around composed and straightforward. Not at all like different online journals I have perused which are truly not that good.Thanks a lot booklet design

I want to say thanks for beautiful blog sharing with us. Your blog really great resource to update my knowledge. Sunrise Car Title Loans

Acknowledges for penmanship such a worthy column, I stumbled beside your blog besides predict a handful advise. I want your tone of manuscript... essay writing service

great site i read so many post here and learn alot from them and this one is impressive and informative thanks for the contribution .. electronic cigarette

A very awesome blog post. We are really grateful for your blog post. You will find a lot of approaches after visiting your post. I was exactly searching for. Thanks for such post and please keep it up Manhattan Capital Inc