Bartolo Colon Has Never Stolen A Base: A Poem

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When Bartolo Colón Steals A Base 

Bartolo Colón has never stolen a base.
He is 42 years old
Stands at 5’11”
Weighs 285
It is a generous 285.

Bartolo Colón has tested positive for:

But is suspected of using:
Willy Wonka’s Three-Course Meal Flavored Gum

As of June 4, 2015,
Bartolo has:
0 home runs
0 triples
15 hits
1 double
(make that 2 doubles) 

And zero stolen bases.

When Bartolo Colón steals a base,
There will be no war, no famine,
And an all out consensual safe sex orgy
Will take place.

Businesses will close early
And schools will not open at all
Churches will never open again
When Bartolo Colón steals a base.

There will be a goddamn ticker-tape parade
Down the Canyon Of Heroes
Only attended by astronauts
When Bartolo Colón steals a base.

Every conceivable aircraft will fly over Citi Field
Or wherever Mr. Colón achieves this feat.
F-16’s, Apache helicopters
The Spirit Of St. Louis

The nuclear-powered DC-8’s
That L. Ron Hubbard warned us about
Will drop the brainwashed thetans into a volcano
In honor of Bartolo Colón.

The United States Of America,
The Dominican Republic
And the few Expos fans left
Will all go out for ice cream
When Bartolo Colón steals a base.

We’ll all pay for our own though, right?

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