A Field Guide To Ridiculous Soccer Training Products

Share |

There are a lot of stupid things. This is a fact that accompanies the idea of being a human being among other human beings on Planet Earth. Many of these stupid things exist because we, as human beings, are generally stupid. But there’s no real harm in a website devoted to capybaras that look like handsome Iberian tennis players or wearing a hat that’s made of fox’s head. (Well, that’s a bummer for the fox, but foxes are not to be trusted anyway.) Stupid things generally, whether they mean to or not, make us laugh. Laughing is good, etc.

Sometimes, though, these stupid things just become offensive in their outright, nanny-nanny-poo-poo dumbass-ness. (See: David’s thoughts re: nacho sundaes.) And there is a vile cottage industry of “soccer training products” that falls right into this “That is something you’re actually doing and you’re going to keep doing?” cross-section. The majority of Americans may not understand/give a shit about soccer, but the majority of Americans deserve some face-value respect, and some of the insane, gimmicky, bastardizing soccer nonsense that’s been pedaled out over the past decade or so is just rude.

Take the Soccer Pal:

This little guy is getting better at soccer, definitely. That is if “soccer” means “being an amateur ball puppeteer.” How guiding a ball-in-a-net with your hand and occasionally kicking the suspended orb translates to anything other than that kid’s little brother getting asphyxiated by the elastic string is not something I am able to see.

When one make a sports training product, you’d assume, the thinking would be that the more effective the product is at making its users better at said sport, the more it sells. You’re not trying to fool the consumer into buying something that won’t work/actually makes you worse at the sport. People, presumably, want to spend their money on things that serve a general purpose. While that’s definitely not always true—just look at the continued existence of infomercials—in a broad, life-long, worldwide sense, it is. The creators of these things are either sadly oblivious or evil-weasel entrepreneurs.

Because, look at this thing. (Thanks to Jason Davis for the tip.) As Kevin Lincoln told me, “really easy to dribble a ball when it doesn't go anywhere.” Also, using a BYU punter to advertise a soccer product is depressing. Or the Sweet Spot, which is supposed to keep your “laces tied and in place,” give players a “visual reference point,” and provide “better ball control.” When really all it gives you is the opportunity to say, “My feet are now wrapped in rubber.” Then there’s the Soccer Wave: “The New Wave in Soccer Training!” (Exclamation theirs.) It’s sponsored by Clint Dempsey, surely a leftover from back when he was still dropping US Soccer anthems on the Houston rap scene. It’s a ramp you kick a soccer ball onto. It lifts the ball into the air, and then it just stays there, sitting on the grass … because it’s a ramp you need to carry out onto a soccer field and fill with water.

And now there’s this, the Football Box. We have reached a point, as a species, and I don’t know what that point even is, but it makes me weep. The Football Box is, apparently, “an invention for children which allows them to play in a miniature-sized football arena.” You stand five feet away from your “opponent” and try to kick a ball past (rather: through) them into a shoebox-sized goal. There is a net separating the two sides because why not? Oh, and all the while you’re a human being standing in a box. Nothing against boxes—they’re really useful for holding things, and thinking-outside-of—but soccer is generally played in something that can be described as “not a box.” It does not seem too much of an overstatement to say that the very existence of this product is a base-level affront to humanity.

Unless you’re Benoit Assou-Ekotto or some other admittedly joyless pro, you play soccer, or any other sport, because it’s a fun thing to do. By its very nature, which asks people to use their feet as proficiently as their hands, stupid-looking funny things will happen when you play. Your feet don’t need to be wrapped in rubber bands or standing in a mini box-stadium to make sure of that.

Share |

Comments

I did a search on the subject and found nearly all persons will agree with your blog. svenska

Thank you for posting such a great article! I found your website perfect for my needs. It contains wonderful and helpful posts. Keep up the good work autoquotes

Excellent Blog! I would like to thank for the efforts you have made in writing this post. I am hoping the same best work from you in the future as well. I wanted to thank you for this websites! Thanks for sharing. Great websites! improve credit score

The procedure a person does may be very conveniently mirrored in your own articles; that you’re an absolute pro. I would really prefer so as to add one other webpage into the endorsed styles everyone provided a while back. Talk to an individual’s readership to visit internet credit

vine followers Fine place, a an exceptionally amazing webpage that there is at this point, stick to beneficial financial job, shall be to come back. buy video views

boom beach hack I invite you to the page where see how much we have in common. clash of clans hack deutsch

Hi! Thanks for your article! I really enjoyed the article. It proved to be Very helpful to me. Thank you so much. temple run game 3

This post is very simple to read and appreciate without leaving any details out. Great work! You completed certain reliable points there...temple run game 3

I'm sure impressed from your web logs. Most people get everybody hopeful for the reason that amazing some novelist essential. At this point but, Appraisal simply just decide to work on what is important to glance at the. Any sort of creative ideas operate a particular that you will find?moving company FairPrice Movers in San Jose

The particular reviewer again fall of one's sites is quite apparent. After all you may not also must point out you’ve completed critiques for people to grab about it. There’s a niche site that we observed a pal whine concerning.It’s an assessment web site. Might you look it over for people and also inform us just how trustworthy these kinds of critiques are usually? high quality backlinks

Excellent .. Amazing .. I’ll bookmark your blog and take the feeds also…I’m happy to find so many useful info here in the post, we need work out more techniques in this regard, thanks for sharing. our clients

our clients Thanks for sharing this article, extraordinary method for convey this point to discussion.Thanks for each other useful site.

our clients Thanks for sharing this article, extraordinary method for convey this point to discussion.Thanks for each other useful site.

Your blog has grown to become my best one-stop buy for things informative posting. Thank you so much to your terrific job. That i used among the many online websites everyone endorsed together with Over the internet the fact that best-dissertation is a good yet still. Your job is exemplary.highpr blog commenting

Your site has grown a one-stop find as much as possible tutorial authoring. Thanks for your time in the very good get the job done. As i tested the online sites one preferred and even On the net which will best-dissertation.pores and skin look though. Ones own get the job done is kind of exemplary. πλαστικές κάρτες

You can get plenty of blogging using the web though I usually acquire ourselves fascinated by your business opportunity. Your business opportunity can be filled with tips and even invaluable strategies. As i experienced this website one noted last month Inside your blogging. a good deal when i i am only some inside authoring expertise, this town is without a doubt top notch.
the ed conqueror

This type of message always inspiring and I prefer to read quality content, so happy to find good place to many here in the post, the writing is just great, thanks for the post. thanks
http://ostaauggboots.com

You're an overall total guru; as well as your weblogs, amazing! I'm a devoted readers along with a large enjoyable of the function. You really launched me personally towards the composing support I personally use at this time as well as I must state, this is among the I've run into to date. r4 3ds

This type of message always inspiring and I prefer to read quality content, so happy to find good place to many here in the post, the writing is just great, thanks for the post. thanks coupon codes

Anyone propose countless internet sites on the web site We are quit thinking how we ever before be able to analysis in pretty much everything. Lengthy ago i found anyone article opinions in and yes it ended up being consequently genuine. This great site is truly remarkable!
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/elliott-wave-dna-review-shocking-014024135.html

We have qualified being a by means of the sites. I am aware, appears ridiculous yet My partner and i started off since merely a basic article writer. My partner and i implemented the particular suggestions an individual provided about how to become a simple yet effective article writer now, I will be in fact excellent with that. Maintain the suggestions on its way there’s constantly area regarding development.
Slim trim 2000 review

Like you would prepare an individual's personal blogs produces posting appear to be that easy! As well as these days together with there isn't strategy That i look at the becoming all better. There is end up habit together with I must find a way to build it all interesting for a second time. All how to make this happen?
Venus factor diet plan

I prefer the possibility that you probably promoter for the purpose of having over the internet penning assistance on your web logs. I just jog including your program, despite the fact oblique, might be greatly relished. Enroll need construct y does not have to be affected whenever you are actually in this case.
Ed miracle review

Ones information sites have grown a dependency; I can ensure that When i understand whatever you include published regular. At this point I stumbled upon an affiliate site i always imagine you will be keen on. is usually an essay or dissertation web page of which assures to produce the most beneficial essay or dissertation doable in addition to with service provider doable. Is it possible you investigate the item?
probioslim reviews

Through your information sites, it truly is distinct that you'll be the suitable man or women to help ask around all things publishing. I need to uncover around my position. It is unique mainly because we have a majority of producing expected in addition to I needed the tip portions supplied. How might you guide?
ed miracle shake ingredients

The information you have posted is very useful. The sites you have referred was good. Thanks for sharing...best performing mutual funds

Thank you a lot for providing individuals with a very spectacular possibility to read critical reviews from this site. www.rebelmouse.com

some of the insane, gimmicky, bastardizing soccer nonsense that’s been pedaled out over the past decade or so is just rude. mobilehomesforsale.com

Your feet don’t need to be wrapped in rubber bands or standing in a mini box-stadium to make sure of that. DDA freehold converion

I'm not sure why you're hating on "The Soccer Wave" just because "it just sits there."

Not only does it actually seem pretty useful if you're kicking around with one/two people, but somewhere in the neighborhood of 90% of sports equipment is barely mobile and mostly "just sits there."

Plus, you're denying the irony that your blog-piece also just sits here.

At least the Wave can help me play soccer. All the time I spent kicking the soccer ball off of my house when I was a kid I could have been getting balls back in the air? Sign me up for that shit.

TheBlackFalcon.net

I laughed at how it's described as lightweight but then offhandedly mentions how you can fill it with water to hold it down (which, I'm guessing is more of a requirement than a feature).

You're right, Shake: the ball dropping at you from the air is tough to recreate alone, and the Wave does that. But I appreciate an article about simulacra created to improve skills in a game.

As I appreciate the use of the word 'simulacra'