33 Yards and A Cloud of Smoke

Share |

The fans in Denver’s Mile High Stadium were already in a foul mood on this Thanksgiving Thursday. Their Real Football Corporation team, the strongly favored Colorado Buckaroos, was getting thoroughly waxed by the visiting Cleveland Brunts, 21-7, when that guy added fuel to the fire. Actually, not just any fuel, but some tasty, kind kindling.

That guy, no shock if you’re a football fan, was of course the infuriating, irrepressible, All-Pro wide receiver B-Wack, who had just scored another touchdown against their beloved Buckaroos. (Born Brevard Jackson, the braggadocious scourge of the RFC and embattled Commissioner Royal Helm had landed in Cleveland this past off-season only after napalming nearly every other bridge in the league during the past decade-plus.)

At 34, the silky smooth B-Wack had been thought by most RFC experts to be on the downside of his career, but apparently something about the Cleveland situation reinvigorated him. Maybe it was kick-started by the press conference announcing his signing that summer. In typical hand-biting, sound-biting fashion, B-Wack lamented having landed in a “flyover state” and vowed to spiff things up to “Concorde quality” as soon as possible.

The Ohio outcry to those haughty comments had been predictably shrill— but for B-Wack, conflict and publicity were the very stuff of life. In this case, the blowback had seemed to work like time-released adrenaline, producing the gridiron equivalent of the best make-up sex ever. Hauling in at least one TD pass and gaining over 100 yards in each of his first 7 games, the receiver already had those Rust Belt-haters wrapped around his Born Again, blinged-out little finger two months into the season. The Brunts were 5-2 and shockingly in playoff contention, and this surprising beat-down of the Buckaroos would only further cement their status as upstart contenders.

The touchdown itself had been impressive, but nothing out of the ordinary. On a 3rd and 6 play from the Denver 33-yard line, B-Wack ran a quick slant and found a seam in the zone. The Buckaroos secondary had been overplaying, because a first-down conversion would almost surely enable Cleveland to milk enough clock to ice the victory. So once B-Wack hauled in quarterback Kip Singer’s 12-yard gut-thumper in stride, and then his phantom footwork deftly created a collision between the converging defenders, cornerback ParKay Stuggins and safety Ike Zeitgoss, the game was pretty much a foregone conclusion. At that point, the “Diva Receiva” iced it by putting a little hesitation-juke-spin move on some knee-locked rookie linebacker and pranced untouched into the Denver end zone.

But that’s where the celebration went next-level, even for B-Wack. Even staunchly anti-sports Americans know about the Broadway-meets-Hollywood production values of his on-field shenanigans:

• In Tampa two years ago, on the occasion of his 100th career touchdown, he’d unleashed 100 white doves from three pre-rigged sideline Gatorade coolers

 

• In Philly, he’d dirty-danced with a cheerleader pal whose nip-slip cost her a job on Dance Til You’re Viral and cost him $100,000 in fines

 

• And in Chicago, he’d “celebrated” a score and rebutted his smart-ass Ivy League GM boss, who’d earlier that week speculated that B-Wack “needed to get to practice on time and probably needs therapy, too,” by reclining and venting to a Sigmund Freud lookalike he’d planted on the sidelines with a fake camera and real press pass.

 

So on this day in Denver, nobody batted an eye when he streaked all the way through the end zone, didn’t break stride, and leapt up into the stands like he was a Green Bay missionary toting straight cheddar to the Lambeau lepers. (Yep, even in a parallel fictional universe, the Green Bay Packers are still the Green Bay Packers. That’s how damn populist they are.) Ordinarily, such a brazen breach of boundary etiquette in enemy territory would get you catapulted back onto the field like a rotten pumpkin, but this is B-Wack we’re talking about-- the multi-media, multi-tasking mercenary football star who’s always got all the bases covered.

The first two rows of the corner section he’d leapt into were, not coincidentally, stocked with people on his payroll (or petty cash at least). The tableau had all been set up by DeJuRaun Media, his infamous “PMA” -- personal media ambassador, the first-ever 24/7 individual sideline reporter (born Jared Cohen). The PR maestro’s staff had Stub-Hubbed the 16 seats for less than $4K, and then used Craigslist’s “gigs” section to cast his contingent of sympathetic seat-fillers with an assortment of local community theater actors and hippies, who were only too happy to score some free weed and thumb the nose of the monolithic Real Football Corporation.

These extras had all been inconspicuously garbed in the garish purple and green of the Buckaroo Brethren, but as B-Wack approached them on a dead run, the 16 accomplices rose as one and ripped off their Velcro-ed team merch (built out at the cost of another $2K). Thusly, they revealed their customized sweatshirts ($800 for all 16), one capital letter per person, which spelled out, “B-W-A-C-K I-S M-I-L-E H-I-G-H-!”

Like Ginger Rogers to B-Wack’s Fred Astaire, the burly, red-bearded fellow in the center of the front row was in perfect sync, as his temporary dance partner ascended toward him in the Denver chill. Grinning maniacally as his seatmates reached out to grab and hold aloft the Brunts’ star receiver, the face-painted ginger-bear reached under his seat like a hyper-efficient flight attendant and donned a stupendously ingenious Rube Goldberg-esque souvenir football helmet.

We’re talking the type of helmet that normally has mounted holders for two beer mugs, with straws protruding toward the wearer’s mouth. However in this case, modifications had been made ($350 paid to a UC-Denver engineering major who said he was going to use the photos in his senior project). Teetering off the top of the helmet was a monster bong, which a grinning B-Wack took a healthy rip from just as the oblivious ZOG network cameraman squared his close-up. Most of the control room bellowed in horror, while the rest risked hernias trying to conceal their belly-laughs.

The red line in the room rang, no doubt a furious call from Commissioner Helm, nanoseconds after B-Wack held up two peace signs and expelled a glorious plume of smoke into the chill air from his tight-lipped grin. When the score graphic flashed on-screen, the stylized RFC logo twinkled merrily under the cloud of smoke and a hand-lettered sign that said “B-Wack Is Mile High,” and blowhard announcer Bill Fisher simply muttered “Oh brother, he’s done it again,” as the broadcast vaporized to commercial.

***

Section 113 and its neighbors went bananas as they realized what was happening. All manner of smartphone footage was taken as B-Wack nonchalantly ripped his glorious hit. Immediately after he did, his red-bearded accomplice prized the glowing clump of bud out of the firing chamber, dropped it into his cup of beer, and chugged the whole 20 ounces as his ad hoc cast-mates and random potheads throughout the stadium cheered him on. For his part, B-Wack simply mimed toking an imaginary blunt, before hopping back onto the field.

Every ref, linesman, back judge and scoutmaster in the building heaved yellow handkerchiefs skyward once they realized the very unsportsmanlike conduct (enroachment?) that was taking place. Referee Paul Karis came over and personally ejected B-Wack and his cannabis sommelier from the premises no more than 30 seconds after the bong had been ripped.

The burly quarterback Singer, a good ol’ boy by any other name, threw up his hands in disgust, complaining once again to stoic head coach Rondo Guenther, whose silver hair and silver crucifix around his neck were totems of all that he had seen and endured in this league. Especially since he held the dubious distinction of being a 35-year Cleveland Brunts employee (12 years as a second-string safety, 19 as a scout and defensive assistant, and two as the head man).

Singer’s gestures of frustration at B-Wack, just 10 games into their first season together, were quite possibly motivated as much by petulance (having his “cock of the walk” spotlight stolen by the interloper) as by annoyance at any perceived disruptions. Granted, Cleveland was going to have to kick off 15 yards deeper in their own territory, but B-Wack had essentially iced this game, just as he had done with a good handful of victories already in this surprising season. The rest of his teammates either shook their heads with silly grins or pretended it didn’t happen.

By the time the game broadcast was back from commercial break, the polarizing player had been ushered through the byzantine corridors of Mile High Stadium. He entered a guarded conference room where his lawyer was already waiting with two low-level RFC officials, facing a giant screen where Commissioner Helm was Skyping from New York.

***

“If you wanna quit the RFC, you can just QUIT THE GODDAMN RFC, Jackson,” said Helm (refusing, as was his custom, to acknowledge B-Wack’s legally changed name). Comically, the head man’s lips didn’t quite sync up to the vitriol, because of the delay. “Are you one of those weak-minded deviants that doesn’t have the balls to off themselves, so they waste taxpayer money and good government ammo by forcing our sainted police officers to kill them? No need to pollute the minds of our young viewers with your asinine behavior, and now your nationally televised drug abuse?! That’s an automatic five-game rip for a first offense, you know, and I think I can even get the Players’ Union to throw you under the bus on this one. THE SHORT BUS.”

“Hey, I raise an imaginary tumbler of Goose to you, Roy-Boy,” responded B-Wack, coolly and calmly, indicating to his $800-an-hour lawyer that he had it under control, and by all means the counselor should continue his Words With Friends game. Across the table, the RFC suits sat stone-faced, searching B-Wack’s eyes for signs of redness. “And of course, I yield to your discretion as chief executive officer of this fine ‘non-profit’ corporation to blow all the proper smoke up the butts of the American consumers. However, DeJu and I will have some pertinent public statements to shed a different light on the situation, so you might want to tread, you know, a little lightly.”

Helm smiled. He and this unfairly talented reprobate had done this dance a number of times before, and now, finally, he felt sure that it was coming to a close. So he summoned up what he felt to be some powerful, yet restrained rhetoric, perfectly suited for the moment:

“Lightly? Lightly?! I will bring my boot down on your ass with authority, and with a level of thumpity-thump so GD loud it will make the speakers in your Bentley turn bitch and cry uncle.”

B-Wack fought back a smile of his own. Dumb-ass commissioner had bitten early on his double move, and he KNEW he had acres of unpatrolled green in his path. Just then, two security officers and a couple Denver police officers came in, with the helmet-bong sealed in a giant clear baggie. While the badge boys asked the giant Skyped face of Helm for his guidance on the matter of the evidence at hand, the receiver turned to his lawyer and nudged him, mouthing the words “drug test.”

“I’m sure these fine officers aren’t possibly taking directions from you, now, are they Mr. Commissioner?” asked the lawyer, M. Jackson Berman. As the police officers left with the bong, Berman cleared his throat and raised the matter of a drug test. At nearly the exact moment he did, a Tweet went flying out to the 5.7 million followers of @B-Wack, and the 2.2 million followers of @DeJuRaunMedia, which simply read:

------------------ Big LEAK in the B-Wack Mile High case. Watch for STREAMING video soon. #BWack22 #silenceisgolden ----------------

That’s what they were about get, all right. In glorious, golden color.

Of course, the RFC was dead set on getting B-Wack’s urine test, pissed-haste, so they capitulated to his lawyer’s unorthodox and instant demand-- that his client get to visually record and publicly distribute the “contribution” of said bodily fluids. In other words, they maintained ownership of the broadcast rights to his piss test.

Part of the deal, non-negotiable, was agreeing to let Team B-Wack dispatch DeJuRaun’s college intern Blank Sheck, a pudgy deadpan comic strapped with three body-mounted GoPros, to accompany the Mile High Urine (“Tastes 30% better than BudLight!,” crowed B-Wack in a later video, tweaking an RFC sponsor with a claim that seemed like it could be accurate) all the way to the lab, where he was to keep rolling and webcast the urinalysis results, live.

Although B-Wack’s “urine-donating device” was tastefully obscured in the Vine and YouTube videos, he wasn’t at all shy about sharing his excuse. “I got a note from the Doctor!” he said, waving it gleefully to the camera, in a pithy speech about piss that aired on Periscope and lived on his YouTube channel, piling up 21 million views, 35K likes and 47K thumbs-downs.

“I know some people think I Illegally smoked marijuana, but guess what?? Wrong as Royal on a number of levels. It’s legal in Colorado, of course. Plus, I’ve got a medical marijuana card from the golden state of California.”

“But you seem so healthy,” chirped DeJuRaun, setting up his boss with pre-scripted q’s in their tried and true casual infomercial style format. “How on earth did you get one of those cards? I thought there needed to be a good-bad reason, like glaucoma, or something.”

“Oh , you know… Chronic and persistent symptoms, including headaches and muscle trauma that come from the daily workplace conditions of the RFC! Kids, maybe one day you too can get a job with the RFC, a family-friendly entertainment outlet if ever there was one.”

DeJu chimed in seamlessly, reading from prompter: “Never mind that we’re cranking out a steady stream of zombified, disenfranchised ex-players, shuffling through the streets of your fine cities with anguish and mayhem in their clouded minds. Clearly, it’s marijuana that’s the problem. And of course, my boss’s Free Speech rights.”

B-Wack wrapped it up. “Just keep watching and paying and supporting the sponsors of our fine, upstanding, profit-making corporation. Because this is ‘Murica, y’all, where might makes right and !”

***

Fourteen hours later, the truth was partially revealed. B-Wack’s urine came up clean. He and DeJuRaun Media released a video showing organic oregano being packed into the bowl by a smirking Whole Foods employee, who was fired by the corporation and then hired by B-Wack as a personal shopper.

But nonetheless the RFC flexed its massive muscles, and their rogue superstar was fined $250,000 for “bringing an incendiary device” to a game. He was also cited by the city of Denver for violating a “smoking in a public venue” ordinance.

The RFC’s ratings went up .1 over the kerfuffle. Royal Helm got a $27 million dollar bonus. The beat went on.

Michael X. Ferraro is a TV writer and producer. His debut football novel CIRCUS CATCH features the controversial character B-Wack and received rave reviews from Dave Zirin and Dennis Miller, among others. It's available now on Amazon

Share |

Comments

Everybody use to say that Love is God. No one in this world can be alive without their love ones. It is extremely typical job for a true lover to live without his lover. voyance sans attente

I can't envision concentrating sufficiently long to research; significantly less compose this sort of article. You've beaten yourself with this material. This is extraordinary substance. Prop Pills

You have a good point here!I totally agree with what you have said!!Thanks for sharing your views...hope more people will read this article!!! Madison Heating and Cooling

nice post, keep up with this interesting work. It really is good to know that this topic is being covered also on this web site so cheers for taking time to discuss this! bathroom renovations

likes, play counts and other engagement options, which helps great content go viral. In fact these social and engagement oriented features are responsible for making SoundCloud a fantastic content discovery platform. @buyscplays5

When cross training, the combined effect of working your lower body, arms, and shoulders means that many other muscle groups are needed as well. https://www.sporttema.dk/crosstrainer

Its a great pleasure reading your post.Its full of information I am looking for and I love to post a comment that "The content of your post is awesome" Great work. Green Ladies Cleaning LLC

They are generally regulated separately from games of pure chance such as slot machines; see claw vending machine: legality for statues pertaining to claw machines. Check this blog

I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article. I am hoping the same best work from you in the future as well. In fact your creative writing abilities has inspired me to start my own BlogEngine blog now. Really the blogging is spreading its wings rapidly. Your write up is a fine example of it.
download torrent

The information you have posted is very useful. The sites you have referred was good. Thanks for sharing..
voyance par telephone gratuit

I really appreciate the kind of topics you post here. Thanks for sharing us a great information that is actually helpful. Good day...!!!
centrexp.ru/

Easily, the article is actually the best topic on this registry related issue. I fit in with your conclusions and will eagerly look forward to your next updates. Just saying thanks will not just be sufficient, for the fantasti c lucidity in your writing. I will instantly grab your rss feed to stay informed of any updates.
download torrent

I really thank you for the valuable info on this great subject and look forward to more great posts. Thanks a lot for enjoying this beauty article with me. I am appreciating it very much! Looking forward to another great article. Good luck to the author! All the best! carla beatriz adeus estrias

Awesome post I might want to thank you for the endeavors you have made in composing this fascinating and learned article. joptionpane

I can’t imagine focusing long enough to research; much less write this kind of article. You’ve outdone yourself with this material. This is great content. YedTubeHD

The next stage involves selecting every website that turns up in the first three pages of Google for these keyword phrases (there are over 100 SEO-related websites that had at least one mention in the Search Engine Results). seo company

Its a great pleasure reading your post.Its full of information I am looking for and I love to post a comment that "The content of your post is awesome" Great work Dofollow Blog Comments

Your website is really cool and this is a great inspiring article. Thank you so much. hipertensao controlada funciona

Really pleasant post. I just discovered your weblog and needed to say that I have truly delighted in scanning your blog entries. After all I'll be subscribing to your food and I trust you compose again soon! Click here

This is an extraordinary post. I like this topic.This site has heaps of advantage.I discovered numerous fascinating things from this site. It helps me in numerous ways.Thanks for posting this once more. read more

It's easy and it's fun. Have a host or hostess invite friends to sample your products. You sell products, sign people up, and the party-giver gets a free gift or a discount on her purchases. Small Business Networking and Marketing

The use of sex in advertising can be highly overt or extremely subtle and, on some level, subliminal. It ranges from relatively explicit displays of sexual acts and seductive behaviour aimed at the viewer, to the use of double-meanings and underlying sexual references. seuraa verkosta

If you are looking for the best hair pomade for men, here are some pomades that are extremely popular and may help you to find the right pomade for your hair length and quality. I must point out that from personal experience you may have to try out more than one product to determine which suits you best.best pomade for thick hair

I haven't any word to value this post.....Really i am awed from this post....the individual who make this post it was an extraordinary human..thanks for imparted this to us. salute tutti i giorni

You have made an incredible showing on this article. It's exceptionally comprehensible and exceedingly wise. You have even figured out how to make it justifiable and simple to peruse. You have some genuine composition ability. Much obliged to you. black women

Pleasant to be going by your web journal again, it has been months for me. Well this article ive been sat tight for consequently long. i need this article to complete my task inside of the staff, and it has same subject together with your article. Much obliged, pleasant offer. Sesis Login

Once you get a website that is right for you, you should create your profile. Upload some of your cute photographs that indicate some of the things you love doing. You need to include some of the countless head shot and several backdrops and outfits. see here

These are some great tools that i definitely use for SEO work. This is a great list to use in the future.. submit your pics

Much thanks to you a cluster for offering this to every one of us you really acknowledge what you are discussing! Bookmarked. If you don't mind likewise look for guidance from my site =). We could have a hyperlink change contract between us! xxx

Your article has aroused a great deal of positive hobby. I can see why since you have made such a decent showing of making it intriguing. หนังโป๊ไทย

Your web journal furnished us with significant data to work with. Each and every tips of your post are marvelous. You're the best to share. Continue blogging.. quote maker

Much obliged to you for some other enlightening site. The spot else might just I understand that sort of data written in such a flawless strategy? I have an endeavor that I am essentially now running on, and I've been at the look out for such information. Click Here

Really great post. I just unearthed your online journal and needed to say that I have truly delighted in perusing your blog entries. Any way I'll be subscribing to your food and I trust you post again soon. Huge much obliged for the valuable data. read here

This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free. I love seeing blog that understand the value of providing a quality resource for free. find this

Ever you order up and new at our online casino — whether you like to play games for more or for more info — you will find the very popular online casino games to accommodate from and plenty of life online slots roulette. casino gambling online

Much thanks to you for another extraordinary article. Where else would anyone be able to get that sort of data in such a flawless method for composing? I have a presentation one week from now, and I am on the search for such data. Food Truck Catering

Nice blog and absolutely outstanding. You can do something much better but i still say this perfect.Keep trying for the best. pool repair Scottsdale Arizona

This is just the information I am finding everywhere. Thanks for your blog, I just subscribe your blog. This is a nice blog.. btc exchange websites

This is highly informatics, crisp and clear. I think that everything has been described in systematic manner so that reader could get maximum information and learn many things. free website domain 

This is a great inspiring article.I am pretty much pleased with your good work.You put really very helpful information. Keep it up. Keep blogging. Looking to reading your next post. anniversary gift for wife

After that we encrypt the information received with the best possible algorithm and a request is made to the servers claiming as a real server. click here

It's suitable time to make a few arrangements for the future and the time has come to be glad. I have perused this post and on the off chance that I might I be able to wish to propose you few intriguing things or exhortation. Maybe you could compose next articles alluding to this article. I craving to peruse considerably more things about it! nyc mortgage loans

I went over this site and I trust you have a considerable measure of great data, spared to my bookmarks alaska cruise

I might want to thank you for the endeavors you have made in composing this article. I am trusting the same best work from you later on also. Much appreciated... Grilled Cheese Truck

The Gmail Labs feature, introduced on June 5, 2008, allows users to test new or experimental features of Gmail. Users can enable or disable Labs features selectively and provide feedback about each of them. gmail.com login

i was simply skimming along and happened upon your web journal. simply needed to say great web journal and this article truly helped me. moku ejuice

Hi. I discovered your online journal utilizing msn. This is an amazingly elegantly composed article. I will make sure to bookmark it and come back to peruse a greater amount of your helpful data. A debt of gratitude is in order for the post. I'll positively rebound. Free Mp3 Downloads Of Music For You To Check Out

Incredible information, do anybody mind only reference back to it Usage-based billing

Extremely decent article, I delighted in perusing your post, exceptionally pleasant offer, I need to twit this to my devotees. Much obliged!. pet lovers website

Really great post. I just unearthed your web journal and needed to say that I have truly delighted in perusing your blog entries. Any way I'll be subscribing to your food and I trust you post again soon. Enormous a debt of gratitude is in order for the helpful data. best passive income system