Author Bio & Stories

  • With our planet still ravaged by the effects of The Great Bug War of 2026, it’s nice to wax nostalgic from time to time and look back to a simpler time in Earth’s history. This time I will focus on when man and machine first became one and how the National Basketball Association (sports league, 1946-2024) dealt with the arrival of what was then referred to as The Singularity but is now commonly known as The Progress.

  • May 10, 2012
    The Spurs Problem

    The Spurs' boring tag is supposedly a by-product of the team being ‘a bunch of good guys.’ But are they really good guys? The team that once brought Rodman aboard to be the resident Bad Guy in a chorus of angels eventually devolved into welcoming creeps like Bruce Bowen and Robert Horry into the fold. It’s a construct so sneaky and two-faced you’d almost think the team was being coached by a guy who seriously considered a career in the CIA.

  • April 3, 2012
    Bad Guys of the NCAA

    John Calipari is the scourge of the NCAA. But not for the reasons you think. And hey, you might want to take a closer look at your own team's heroic coach. A look at college basketball's true heart of darkness. 

  • There have long been rumors that, during Monday Night Football's golden age, ABC had a Saturday morning animated series in development. No pilot was ever made, and very little art survived. But today, it is our great honor to present to you the script for that pilot and a few key frames.

  • January 23, 2012
    An Unlikely Underdog

    The best player in the NBA has made no secret of the fact that he wants us to like him. LeBron James is tired of playing the villain, but does that matter to how he plays the game? Do we have to like off-court LeBron to believe in on-court LeBron? 

  • Tom Scharpling continues his quest to get into the NHL, even though his beloved NBA is back and kicking. Today: the need to pick a team, the lure of tradition, and an upcoming field trip. 

  • December 13, 2011
    I Am A Hockey Dope

    Tom Scharpling knows next to nothing about the NHL. It’s not from any active dislike for the game. He's not opposed to it the way I am opposed to college basketball—any sport that allows a prime douche like Steve Wojciechowski to impact one minute of one game is not a sport for Tom—but hockey is a mystery that he'd never honestly tried to unravel. Until a misspelled vanity license plate convinced him it was time to be a hero.

  • November 17, 2011
    Home? I Have No Home.

    This was not how it was supposed to go. Not at all. My first piece for The Classical should’ve been about something like The Rise Of Monta Ellis instead of a mewling whine-fest about The Seemingly Permanent Absence Of My Favorite Sport That I Am Now On The Hook To Write About Because You Guys Gave Us A Lot Of Money To Start This Site.  But I’m not the one locking out the players, so this is where I’m living right now.