Author Bio & Stories

  • Goth Jayson Werth, Chris Berman's linguistic avant-gardeism, the Alan Smithee version of Dune, and the other upsetting things one things about while being traumatized by the Home Run Derby.

  • League-wide retirement tours for the players that need them most, egg-eating challenges for the relief pitchers that need them least, silent contemplation of Terry Collins fleshlight jokes, and Rebecca DeMornay as herself.

  • Violence, apathy, and Billy Hamilton trying to win a stuffed animal for Devin Mesoraco at a carnival. When does the season start?

  • In which our heroes escape from the Fan Cave and into the freedom of actual meaningful professional baseball. Scott Spiezio's band is there, for some reason, but on this one day it doesn't matter so much.

  • It's spring. Jason Giambi is leading, Ian Kinsler is taking umbrage, and Bartolo Colon is eating balloon animals at birthday parties. So, pretty much the usual.

  • A frank discussion of The Captain, in preparation for what will probably be a less-frank year-long discussion of The Captain. By "frank" we mean mostly goofy ad hominem jokes.

  • We are nearly out of baseball teams, and baseball season. To make the most of the (honestly kind of wearyingly predictable) teams left, let's look to the weird Corgi-shaped sluggers and try to ignore Tony La Russa's scowling ghost. Let's at least try.

  • Traveling through time with Steve Trachsel, conjuring Kirk Gibson, getting on a conga line with Yasiel Puig, and getting to yes with the inevitability of great pitchers missing a year of their prime and puffy radio meats getting mad about it. It's a lot, but baseball is a lot.

  • The search for new and less upsetting ways to say "wants to trade for" and a frank discussion of abusive batting coaches with DJ Khaled. Also lifetime bans for various people, for various reasons, some having to do with orange juice.

  • A frank colloquy on productive outs, unproductive PED investigations, sleepy free-associating announcers and the ongoing search of Los Angeles Times columnist T.J. Simers for someone, anyone, in the Los Angeles Angels clubhouse who will punch him in the nose.