Yakkin' About SummerSlam: Party Pooper

It's time for the Biggest Party of the Summer, so why is Nick so bummed?
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Nick Bond: I say this as a person can abide by a lot of things in wrestling. Dance contests? Thinly veiled adverts for Total Divas? Jerry Lawler's audial masturbation during thinly veiled adverts for Total Divas? These things don't bother me. I'm an adult, and I can change the channel (or mute it once Jerry Lawler starts panting). But there is one injustice I cannot stand for: smart heels looking stupid. Can you explain to me why I'd want to watch The Best vs. The Beast when the Beast just got made to look like The Monarch trying to fight off Captain Sunshine?

Thomas Holzerman: I think the Beast looked more like Brock Samson when he got hit from behind by a far less sexy Molotov Cocktease. Did you get a look at that camera CM Punk used to attack Brock Lesnar? I want to see the warehouse where the WWE  houses the antiquated AV equipment it buys from inner city schools to use as prop weapons. If I'm Lesnar, I'm looking for the ringside photographer who has a Polaroid. Also if we really want to find a problem with the card, I mean, HELLO! Triple H. Guest ref. I'm getting Kevin Nash flashbacks already, and it's not because I'm listening to the latest episode of the Steve Austin Show.

Nick Bond: People want to see Triple H. People pay to see Triple H. There were 15000 people screaming his name on Monday. He told me that, which means it has to be true. Also, he can't win the title.  Worst case scenario, Randy Orton turns heel by cashing in his briefcase. Last time Randy Orton was heel, he was running Legacy, making out with an unconscious Stephanie McMahon and killing people with his foot. I want that man back.

Thomas Holzerman: Randy Orton, slimy heel? Now there's something I can get behind. I was dreading a turn and cash-in at first, mainly because the white-hot Daniel Bryan fanboy in me wants to see him crowned. Let Dennis Green do the coronating. My best-case scenario is still Bryan tapping John Cena out, Randy Orton cashing in, and Bryan tapping him out in short order too. It could be his "beating Steve Austin and The Rock" moment!

But then I started thinking, what would be better than Bryan tapping John Cena out at SummerSlam? Tapping John Cena out at WrestleMania! Because that idea has crept into my head, I'm far less saddened by the prospect of Bryan not succeeding now. That being written, Trips still has his tentacles all over the match now. He may not win the title, but if this match leads to him pinning Bryan clean at the next pay-per-view, no table will be safe from flipping. NONE.

Nick Bond: I've never really understood the animosity towards Triple H, but I'm also the biggest Hunter mark this side of Aurora Rose. He could wrestle a burlap sack filled with broken dreams and dirty diapers for fifteen minutes and I'd enjoy it. Actually, he has, and I did!

Thomas Holzerman: As the biggest Jerichoholic south of the Moose Belt, and with WrestleMania X-8... let's just say I'm still in therapy. Speaking of blonde Canadians, are you surprised that Christian has gone from "Creative has nothing for you," to "peripheral title contender" so quickly? Is he really ready to get his Vince McMahon-engraved gold watch for outstanding service in the wrestling industry? That video package on RAW seemed a bit too glowing for a guy who spent a good chunk of time in TNA because no one around the office noticed him. Either way, I'm super psyched for the Big Gold Belt match. Christian can go. Alberto del Rio can go. Twelve minutes to run through spots, sell limbs, and preen? Who wouldn’t want to see that?

Nick Bond: True or false: if they renamed the Big Gold Belt "the belt that is basically what the Intercontinental title was during the time you remember giving a shit about it", these hot-shot feuds with Del Rio would be much hotter. They've fallen into a weird chasm where they have to treat the BGB like it's the "other" world title without ever mentioning it in the same sentence as the established Big Boy Belt. And now that they've pushed Dolph back down the escalator (head-first), it looks like we're going to get a series of good-if-ultimately-forgettable feuds until Sandow cashes in his Golden Ticket Money in the Bank contract only to subsequently lose the title to Cody Rhodes, so we can finally FINALLY get a World's Champion willing to give out moustache rides.

Thomas Holzerman: If only Joey Ryan had stricken a deal with WWE instead of TNA. If only. Rhodes and Sandow a-fussin' and a-feudin' is a refreshing beef. Not only are two dudes in the midcard actually heading into SummerSlam with real issues that didn't just spontaneously generate out of a sing-off ten days before the telecast, they're two utter assholes trying to outheel each other. Sure, Rhodes is getting cheers just like his daddy, but even by WWE babyface standards, he's well below the Sheamus line. Then again, Rhodes never took a crap in a car he stole just for kicks.

Story is a huge reason why I love this card, and specifically, the Kane/Bray Wyatt match. Kane is underrated in the ring, but I'm not sold on him having a singles match with a guy we haven't seen work a match since he was Husky Harris. (I guess this is the point where I offer my Internet Wrestling Hipster card for revocation because I don't watch NXT. Fine, but I'm keeping the cufflinks).

Wyatt has done the unthinkable; he's made Kane the supernatural demon fresh again. I thought the brilliant self-parody of Team Hell No! was the last hurrah for Kane, but I was wrong.

Nick Bond: I've been told I look like Joey Ryan. Mostly because I look EXACTLY like Joey Ryan. If you're excited about good story, how do you feel about the mixed gender tag kerfluffle? To me that whole thing makes makes as much sense as the end of WrestleMania IX: nobody who needs to get over will, and somehow, Hulk Hogan is to blame.

Thomas Holzerman: Who’s playing Yokozuna? Back when SummerSlam was Backlash, and stories moved slower and mostly through house shows, these kinds of attraction matches reigned supreme on the show. Big E Langston can totally get over here. Tag matches are easier to get clean finishes without them being completely clean, and the right call here is to have him play off some legal distractions from his partner to get a Big Ending on Dolph Ziggler. Kaitlyn and AJ Lee as decoys/add-ons here is not the optimal situation, but at least they're attached to a story. And hey, so are Natalya and the Bella Twins, right? Right?

Nick Bond: Natalya/Bellas is some Charlie Kaufman ass booking. And where the hell did Maria Menuonous come from? I know she's the lady-Dwayne when it comes to booking her, but are they shooting angles on Access Entertainment Hollywood Tonight or whatever show she pals around with Jeb Bush's son on again?

Thomas Holzerman: Man, when wrestling is not on, I'm either watching SPROTS (for the hot takes, mind you), Food Network (which is worse at creating new stars than TNA is, think about that), or Venture Bros., if I even have the TV on. I'm at a 35% Daniel Bryan. TV's almost superfluous but just necessary enough. But hey, Total Divas just got picked up for six more episodes this season and a second season , so if that allows Nattie to get her white girl groove on at a regular clip, I'm down.

Nick Bond: We'll have to agree to disagree on that. I liked Natalya, back when she was going by Beth Phoenix and working with Santino in Glamarella. And actually, now that I've brought up second-rate version of old characters and we've went over all the matches that are actually booked on the main show (sorry Dean Ambrose's brilliant promo and RVD's brilliant outfits), I think we should end this by talking about best case scenarios for The Miz pulling a Rock-at-WrestleMania-27 and hosting SummerSlam. My dream for the situation is that he gets laryngitis before the show and they have to replace him with Jamie Kennedy and an open bar.

Thomas Holzerman: I wouldn't be opposed to that, actually, although my dream idea would be The Rock coming back to try and ruin Miz's hosting gig as a bit of synergy, only to have Darren Young put him through a table before he's able to utter his first homophobic crack. Too soon? I keed, I keed. But how about that pre-show? Booker T, Shawn Michaels, and the aforementioned Natalya in the same studio? Sounds like appointment viewing to me, just to see how much of a trainwreck that is.

Nick Bond: At least trainwrecks have the decency to be entertaining. I'd imagine Booker T and Shawn Michaels will spend most of the time trying to put themselves over, while poor Nattie'll  shoehorn in the Montreal Screwjob because she's still bitter AND can't go literally one full segment without saying "MY UNCLE WAS BRET HART!".

Thomas Holzerman: Is that her catchphrase on Total Divas? Maybe it's her relative lack of TV time, but I don't get that vibe. You know what vibe I DO get though? We're probably gonna some surprise matches, right? If I had to guess, I would say the Shield will defend the Tag Championships against TEAM HOSS, aka the newly formed duo of Mark Henry and The Big Show. I would also put some serious coin on a Curtis Axel impromptu Intercontinental Championship defense against, I don't know, Kofi Kingston? That sound about right?

Nick Bond: As long as Kofi doesn't go over in those neon-crotched Edge-tights, I'll allow it. I was excited for them when he first came in, because I thought they were  his "Big Boy" pants. But he's a lot more Sean Waltman than Shawn Michaels, so it's get real sad, real fast.

Thomas Holzerman: I don't even think Kofi's a Waltman at this point. Maybe a less doughy Shane McMahon? I don't know. Anyway, I get the feeling that you're a little less hot on this show on the whole than I am, but I'm a positive dude by nature. Where exactly are you at on SummerSlam?

Nick Bond: Before last Monday? Somewhere between Money in the Bank 2011 and Night of Champions 2008. After Raw? Somewhere between SummerSlam 1988 and Community after Donald Glover leaves.  It's not the WWE, I don't think, it's me. I'm just going to miss the heck out of John Cena, Brock Lesnar and Kane. I don't like change, and I fear beards. Not good times, Tom. Bad times. 


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