Yakkin About Baseball: There Is A Glenn Braggs That Never Strikes Out

There is a Glenn Braggs that never goes out, and other jokes that only faintly make sense.
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...AND he can dress!

Image via WN.com.

David Roth: I saw Ronny Cedeno hit a home run yesterday, which I'm pretty sure means that I'm tripping really hard. Just so you know, in case this gets strange. He hit it and it went right over the wall. Damnedest thing.

David Raposa: Break up the Metropolitans! Every time I look at them, they're doing something silly, like making a ridiculous comeback, or driving in runners with two outs, or playing defense.

David Roth: Or using Frank Francisco at pitcher.

David Raposa: Well, they can't completely break with tradition.

David Roth: But yeah, they're interesting. Either blowing late leads or staging heroic comebacks against vulnerable-ish closers.

David Roth: Frank Francisco looks kind of like Jadakiss and pitches kind of like Armando Benitez and basically nothing on earth has made me as nervous as watching him pitch since talking to girls in middle school.

David Raposa: I'd have thought Double-F would've gotten hurt already, either because he looks like he shouldn't be an athlete, or some enterprising Mets fan would've "taken one for the team" with an Army surplus grenade.

David Roth: I'm amazed that Jon Rauch hasn't made a move yet. He looks like an extra on "Sons of Anarchy".

David Raposa: You are not kidding. Granted, you'd have to be excessively jaded to rag on a guy that gets his daughter's footprints tatooed on his calf.

David Roth: Yeah. Also he's like 6'11" and looks like he has killed at least one guy over a dispute about a custom paint job. So that would be another reason not to rag on him.

David Raposa: I guess this is a good time to admit that David Raposa's my pen name. I am Skip Bayless.

Rauch RumbleDavid Roth: Rauch is okay, though. I feel like I should mention that, and not just because I don't want him having his buddies kidnap my parents or whatever. He certainly was not the worst pitcher in that bullpen. That was D.J. Carrasco, who has joined the ranks of the nation's underemployed. He ranks, among all unemployed workers, in the 71st percentile for "effectiveness getting even one single solitary out for Christ's sake come on."

David Raposa: They cut the dude that almost got David Wright killed by a Brewers pitcher? The hell!

David Roth: He was really grown-up about getting cut, to his credit. Apparently he was asked about it after the game—which, you know, cool question to ask a guy who just lost his gig—and was like "Well, I was terrible. How or why would I need to explain this?" Which is the best answer in that situation.

David Raposa: Given the state of the baseball press corps, the high ground's there for the taking. How else can you explain Jon Heyman going to an M83 show?

David Roth: Heyman just needs to get away. To escape into the atmosphere of some high-quality music with TERRIBLE NARRATION. Why is there always dialogue on M83 records?

David Raposa: Why is there unnecessary barroom piano bullshit on Hold Steady records?

David Roth: I don't know that there is anything else on Hold Steady records. But also I don't know the influences with M83, admittedly. Maybe there are a lot of great Eno records with LITTLE KIDS FUCKING TELLING STORIES ABOUT MAGIC FROGS AND FRIENDSHIP that I haven't heard.

David Raposa: If you play "Music For Airports" backwards, Brian Eno reads from Superfudge.

David Roth: I would really like to know more about Heyman going to the M83 show. If only because they are not Approved Beat Writer rock.

David Raposa: He was just chasing a lead. He heard Roy Oswalt was backstage, playing Setback and doing Hornitos shots with the roadies.

David Roth: "Whatever happened to hominy grits? They used to be all chalky and weird and now it's basically polenta. Tequila." - Roy Oswalt

David Raposa: This opens up so many questions, though. Does Heyman do the Strand to UNKNOWN PLEASURES? Does Pete Abraham have a YOUR ARSENAL tattoo on his left buttock? Is Rick Morrissey the stand-in drummer for the Ex-Lion Tamers when Jim DeRogatis is out of town?

David Roth: Finger tattoos on Buster Olney: PERE UBU!

David Raposa: We should take a break from our Trouser Press throwdown to acknowledge the worst team in baseball: the Minnesota Twins. As soon as I buy this Embarrassment vinyl from Tim Kurkjian's eBay store.

David Roth: Oh wow, yes. I wish the Twins could just go back into the dome and bring in short fast guys again. This whole playing outside with limping sideburned sluggers and quad-A scrappers with colorful names thing is a bummer.

David Raposa: Also, the team's balls-to-the-wall willingness to develop pitchers that will not strike out opposing batters is admirable, in a nihilistic way.

David Roth: They have identified a market inefficiency, and are sticking with it. Other teams always undervalue pitchers who don't miss bats and do give up walks and bombs. Lord knows why.

David Raposa: Carl Pavano truly is their co-pilot. I mean these guys are PAYING Jason Marquis! To pitch for them!

David Roth: All the random hitters they've called up have great names, though. I've never been at a cool enough party to meet a Trevor Plouffe or Rene Toconi in real life.

David Raposa: Right now, what appears on the Google results page for Mr. P: "Trevor Patrick Plouffe is a terrible baseball player." I imagine the results would be the same if I looked up Jamey Carroll.

David Roth: They are definitely the team that signs Jamey Carroll to a multi-year deal. "We think you can fill the Punto-shaped hole in our roster." Carroll is like "I'm very religious, you guys, I don't like all this hole-filling talk. But I will play several positions and hit 11 doubles if given 600 at-bats."

David Raposa: "Punto-Shaped Hole" is such a good Nirvana tune.

David Roth: Ken Rosenthal snorts derisively at your Nirvana joke, quietly makes a Wipers reference under his breath.

David Raposa: Rosenthal's totally a Skin Yard fan. But the worst thing about the Twins: Mauer and Morneau are making $38 million combined, and are hitting like Albert Pujols. Or Jose Bautista. Or your preferable underperforming slugger of choice.

David Roth: Bautista's at least hitting homers, right?

David Raposa: Wow, Bautista's slash line right now is .199/.325/.419. The Adam Dunn of 2011 wept!

David Raposa: (Because he wished he could slug above .400.)

David Roth: Pujols is doing an amazing Doug Mientiewicz imitation right now, though. They always talk about what a hard-driving guy he is, but no one ever mentions the impersonations.

David Raposa: if Mickey Hatcher managed to break Pujols in six weeks, then he should become a pitching coach. Or a CIA interrogator.

David Roth: Ha, yes. I love the idea that somehow Pujols showed up, after a decade of being Albert Pujols and was like "Hatch, I'm all yours. Let's fuck with my swing."

David Raposa: "Show me how to hit the infield fly."

David Roth: And Hatcher was all "have you thought about closing your eyes and adding a hitch?" Then they watched a bunch of Glenn Braggs game-tape and called it a day.

David Raposa: You are bringing the failed power hitter fury tonight! Do Mark Quinn next!

David Roth: I am always looking for an opportunity to talk about Glenn Braggs. Really honestly I'd have been much better at doing this 20 years ago. I don't have much contemporary material. But I have a ton of "What is Tom Trebelhorn's DEAL? More like ROBBING YOUNT OF VALUABLE RBI OPPORUNITIES."

David Raposa: There should be a wing in the Hall of Fame for brick-shithouse types that can't make solid contact.

David Roth: The House on Glenallen Hill, they should call it.

David Raposa: Gabe Kapler can be the pool cleaner.

David Roth: I feel bad for the younger generation, in that they'll never see catchers like the ones in those days. These uppercutting goofs with .185 averages in 500 at-bats, but 18 homers. Where have you gone Tim Laudner and etc.

David Raposa: JP Arencibia's quite the throwback, then.

David Roth: He is. I like that dude, and his Kurkjian imitation is tops. I like what the Jays are going for. Weird Homers and solid pitching, basically.

David Raposa: And the sort of waiver-wire scrounging/roster bottom-feeding that'd make a fantasy baseball gomer proud. Headcases and malcontents that need a change of scenery are the new inefficiency. Colby Rasmsus, Yunel Escobar, Edwin Encarnacion...

David Roth: It'd be good if we found out that Escobar and Encarnacion also had gnarly stage-dad/hitting-coach father figures. Frank Escobar and Frank Encarnacion, just following the team around and shaking their heads every time a coach says something.

David Roth: On the market-inefficiency tip, the A's seem to have settled upon Australian-born players and hitters who routinely bring giant red wiffle-ball bats to the plate as their new thing. It is working, though.

David Raposa: The A's are over .500 with a team OBP that is higher than their SLG. I made that up, but I might not be that far off.

David Roth: No, I sense you're right. Kila Kai'hue is finally home, though, spiritually. I don't know who would be hitting the homers there.

David Raposa: Josh Reddick, as every hard-up Red Sox fan is eager to note. And before he got hurt and/or revealed his Cerrano-like weaknesses, Yoenis Cespedes. But today, they beat the Rangers with two-thirds of a line-up that'd have trouble clowning Independent League pitchers.

David Roth: Holy crap this team.

David Raposa: Kurt Suzuki shouldn't be hitting 5th on an intramural after-work softball team, no matter how hard he sucks up to the boss.

David Roth: A lot of these guys might just be bit actors from Moneyball who kept their uniforms and just hung around.

David Raposa: Collin Cowgill is just Chris Pratt as Andy Dwyer as Burt Macklin, FBI.

David Roth: Adam Rosales was in a few episodes of "Law and Order", had a small part in Transformers as Incensed Stereotype, and is now a starting corner infielder.

David Raposa: And he's hitting 1.000! Buy out his arbitration year already!

David Roth: Eric Sogard is a contemporary composer whose work Beane thought was underrated.

David Raposa: Meanwhile, Nico Muhly is working with Phillip Glass on an eephus/cutter hybrid that you don't even throw.

David Roth: Bless them if they win with that team. That lineup looks like the Twins with less-interesting names. No offense to Kila, of course. But would it kill them to mix in a Parmelee or a Denard?

David Raposa: Yoenis is all the Scrabble power that team needs. Also, I heard Michael Taylor's going to change his name to Metta Deep Fly. "Hey Ray Fosse—say Fremont."

David Roth: Go full Oakland. Raiders fans should start showing up dressed like members of Gwar.

David Raposa: Sebastian Janikowski could probably kick more HRs than half the current A's roster could hit on a tee.

David Roth: They're not selling jeans. Mostly because Janikowski prefers to wear sweats.

David Raposa: Is it too late to give JaMarcus Russell a bat and glove? He can't be any worse than Vernon Wells, right?

David Roth: Poor Vern. I wonder about guys who have those contracts, whether it ever gets embarrassing or weird. Like if Jason Bay is always getting So Sorry Melon Bouquets from Edible Arrangements for everyone.

David Raposa: I heard Alfonso Soriano's in a similar situation—his knees are completely shot, but he's gutting out his multi-million dollar paycheck every single game.

David Roth: Even when the Cubs are like "You seem really tired, maybe you should take all those vacation days we keep pretending you have."

David Raposa: It's not the players' fault, though. If a team's going to throw stupid amounts of money at you, take it. Ideally, the player's going to do his best to live up to that contract, but sometimes that doesn't work out. And even when a player does almost live up to the money (hello A-Rod, Texas Ranger), that doesn't guarantee they won't get the short end of the stick from the fans/press/front office and everyone else.

David Roth: Certainly the press. All these Rovell guys being like "Albert Pujols will make $120 million per homer, if he stops today. That's a record. #Sad."

David Raposa: "CONFIRMED: You can make a living as a media pundit if you're able to divide up to three decimal places and have absolutely no shame." You should never judge a book by its first couple of chapters, never mind the preface.

David Roth: No reason not to, though, if there's no reason ever to acknowledge you did. And there's something kind of of-the-moment about the idea of live-tweeting the Moby Dick contract that Pujols has gotten. Depressingly of the moment. "I don't get this chapter about knots or why it's here. This could wind up being the worst novel in history."

David Raposa: "This one misplaced serial comma is TOTALLY ruining the entirety of this 600-page book."

David Roth: "I can't believe they even let an author like Melville USE commas, let alone use thousands of them per book."

David Raposa: "Call me BORED."


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Comments

The whole "we are not playing inside a trashbag-lined concrete malaise toilet that could suddenly deflate and murder us all" aspect is the only thing that separates this year's entropic Twins from the contraction-bait, Mientkiewicz-at-first squads of Tom Kelly's waning years, so I'd like to keep that separation clearly delineated. The only good things to happen in the Metrodome post-1991 were a couple 3,000th-hit milestones and that one time I heard "Daft Punk Is Playing at My House" on the pre-game PA. It was named after the first man to lose the Presidential election to Richard Nixon, for fuck's sake, what good would ever come of going back there?