Yakkin' About Baseball: Sniffing Around Marlon Byrd Is Upsetting

A quest for new ways to say "wants to trade for" and a frank discussion of abusive batting coaches with DJ Khaled. Also ban everyone.
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David Roth: Do you have hot takes on Tino Martinez, Abusive Hitting Coach? I hope the D-Backs hire him, and then insist that he wear a sidearm at all times.

David Raposa: Damn, that's Toaster Strudel hot!

David Roth: "IT'S NOT ILLEGAL," Kirk Gibson told the media, "and if you weren't all on BAR-YUCK O-VOMIT's side you'd know that and put it in your stupid papers. It's in the constitution. I don’t know why more hitting coaches don’t carry, given how many Latin Amer... um, my mic just turned off."

David Raposa: I like your take better. I was going to suggest Tino be promoted to King of Baseball and immediately enshrined in the Hall of Fame for having the guts to stand up to those spoiled multi-millionaires and put them in their place. Also, I’m pretty sure he qualifies for inclusion on Mount Rushmore.

David Roth: I think we all know that there are no millionaires of any kind on the Marlins.

David Raposa: Well, not in the Marlins dugout, anyway. (HOT TAKES!)

David Roth: It's sad that Bullying Matt Downs And Derek Dietrich is now a firing offense. It’s like the Marlins don’t want to win. Unless the firing offense also includes being the hitting coach for a team that didn't score a run for like three weeks.

David Raposa: "The only thing I’ve done is, I did grab Dietrich..." Oh Tino. It might've been the only thing, but it's still a pretty big thing.

David Roth: "I did grab Dietrich and scream YOU'LL NEVER BE PAT KELLY, YOU FAKE CLAY BELLINGER SON OF A FUCK. And if that is against the rules, then I suppose I would apologize to anyone offended by that, at that time."

David Raposa: I also love that he resigned. Because if ever there was a time for the Marlins front office to not get their hands dirty, it's when it involves terminating a coach that assaulted your players.

David Roth: He is basically bullying kids in a deli for not pulling their pants up. Weird that things didn’t work out with your "Call Adeiny Hechevarria a dickhole and he'll learn to recognize breaking pitches" gambit, Tino.

David Raposa: Yeah, color me shocked that an older player with no coaching experience thought that acting like an especially dyspeptic Bobby Knight was the way to get through to his players.

David Roth: If it was good enough for Jesus Christ and Thomas Jefferson, then clearly calling Derek Dietrich a big dumb gaylord should be good enough for us today. The game has changed MY COLUMN

David Raposa: I'm sure Wally Pipp responded like gangbusters whenever Miller Huggins would throw empty bottles of Dr. Loveshine's Miracle Tonic at him and his twist whenever he deigned to hit a paltry .320.

David Roth: I guess credit to Tino for an actual apology that contained the word "sorry." I really like the detail that Tino was hand-picked for the gig by Jeffrey Loria. I'd love to know about that interview process. Like, "How do you feel about large, mostly shitty art?"

David Raposa: "Can you handle coaching 20-year-olds with less than two years of professional baseball experience? How about coaching a new batch of 20-year-olds every year?

David Roth: “Also I’m going to show up in the clubhouse sometimes with purple wine teeth and tell long, ostensibly motivational stories about the time I played a prank on Ed Ruscha. Also how do you feel about being paid in Oodles of Noodles packets? Final offer.”

David Raposa: I heard Loria was resistant to dumping or reprimanding Tino; hearing that he was Loria's hand-picked choice, that reticence makes a LOT more sense. Given Loria has always been an anti-player's owner, though, I shouldn't be surprised if he picked coaches based on how well they'd troll the team.

David Roth: "I sought out some of the people I respect the most: DJ Khaled, Jeff Koons, a thrice-divorced tax attorney who’s nursing a cocaine habit in his 60s, and this guy Phipps who works on my boat. They all agreed Tino was the best choice."

David Raposa: When it's revealed the other candidates were Varg Vikernes, Dennis Rodman, and a refurbished ED-209, it will all become clear.

David Roth: Does the trade deadline make you nervous?

David Raposa: More expectant than nervous. I'm guessing you've got a case of the chit-flipping jitters?

David Roth: I have this weird sense, right now, that some team is preparing to trade two of its five best prospects for two months of Phil Hughes or whatever.

David Raposa: Wait -- you mean the New York Yankees squad that just traded for Alfonso Soriano, and also kicked Alex Rios' tires? Granted, they're in 4th place, and their GM might not be on board with this stretch drive trade, but if Derek Jeter and Soriano can hit homers in every game from here to September, who knows?

David Roth: Never give up. Where there's Puffy Lyle Overbay, there's hope. I don’t know who said that first. Saint Paul. Or Saint Graeme Lloyd.

David Raposa: More like Saint Yankees PR Flack Trying To Translate Vituperative Steinbrennereese Flatulence Into English.

David Roth: Also I move that we get some new cliche phrases for “is interested in trading for.” The image of Dan Duquette actually sniffing Marlon Byrd’s stuff is one I do not like.

David Roth: I do like the idea of Soriano having a Manny Being Manny After Being Traded To The Dodgers stretch for them, though. Just because Soriano is always hilarious. He'll hit .400 for a month, and his OBP will be .400 for that month.

David Raposa: Oh, come on -- give him a few accidental HBPs and the occasional umpire-aided walk, at the very least.

David Roth: I’d give them, if I thought he’d take them. Although apparently he is one of The Good Guys, if literally everyone on the Cubs is to be believed. I’d love to think that counts for something, although I’d mostly hate it if it counted for enough that I had to watch the Yanks all through October.

David Raposa: Most teams seem to be smarter about deadline deals the last few years. I can't recall any trade deadline deals of late that were terribly lopsided, at least since the Red Sox traded for Eric Gagne but not Eric Gagne's drug stash. I hope our thousands of Yak-readers call me on this if I'm woefully mistaken.

David Roth: As an occasional reader, I’ll note that the Mets did recently get the Giants’ best pitching prospect for a couple months of Carlos Beltran. But yeah, there don’t seem to be many actual sellers this year. Everyone’s holding on to their Glen Perkins-es, to see if they turn into... anyway, they’re not trading them.

David Raposa: I guess some GMs think you have to let your Jake Peavys and Marlon Byrds lay fallow for a trade season or two in order to replenish the farm system. Or, in the case of Peavy, used to think that way; guess someone doesn’t care about next year’s tobacco crop.

David Roth: To me, the Peavy trade was perfect. Two teams improved in intelligent ways by dealing from positions of strength, and the White Sox got the pudgy, high-strikeout outfielder-type they like so well.

David Raposa: Just for that, Hawk Harrelson isn’t saying anything to anyone for 30 seconds after Garcia flails at an out-out-out-outside fastball with the bases loaded.

David Roth: I'm enjoying the way the season is shaping up, too, while I’m cheering for everything. I like the idea of a couple months spent watching the Indians and A's position themselves.

David Raposa: Yeah, I haven't been following either of those teams as close as I'd like, but I am digging Tito working his magic (and the Indians finally fielding a league-average starting rotation). And what can be said about the A's anonytude, except that I seriously have no idea who they actually have on their team.

David Roth: Lot of great stories, there, just in terms of the surprising players who have contributed. Josh Donaldson. Erik Sogard. Per-Ole Vomquist. Derf Buscemi. Coolio. Byung-Hyun Kim. I don’t know how they do it.

David Raposa: And The Royals are only four games back of a Wild Card spot! Experiencing that storied post-Francouer release bump. And not at all regretting trading Wil Myers for pitching.

David Roth: I'm pro-Royals in general. But yeah, they sure cut bait at the right time on that Myers guy. Brandon Wood 2.0hNo, am I right?

David Raposa: When Wade Davis is dangled in front of you like a carrot, you gotta make with the vegetable grater.

David Roth: I think they thought it was the Wade Davis who studied voodoo in The Serpent And The Rainbow. Dayton Moore traded for him because he wanted to know what Paul Winfield was really like.

David Raposa: "Did you REALLY get stabbed in the balls?"

David Roth: I guess "Don't Bury Me, I'm Not Dead" works okay as a tag line for a team scrambling for a Wild Card spot. I do not have time to come up with a metaphor for the sadistic Duvalier apparatchik who tortures the preppy voodoo professor. Unless it’s Ron Washington. Maybe it’s Ron Washington?

David Raposa: Finally, a slogan that epitomizes the last 20 years of Kansas City Royals baseball.

David Roth: Don't Let Them (The Media and People Who Have Watched Us Try To Hit) Bury Me, I'm Not Dead

David Raposa: I had to unfollow a notable baseball guy on the Twitter because he was getting excessively vocal about the Royals' wheel-spinning state of affairs. To the point that he was at-replying to folks that didn't agree with him and prefacing these replies with a period so all his followers could wallow in the misery.

David Roth: Well, everyone does care about the Royals' race for 84 wins.

David Raposa: Not as much as they care about steroids and A-Rod! You want to hear my A-Rod/Lindsay Lohan unified theory? I'll understand if you have keyboards to clean or tax documents to file.

David Roth: Sounds risky, but go for it.

David Raposa: It comes down to me coming to see A-Rod as an object of pity rather than scorn. He's a product of a system that he just wasn't cut out to be part of. The amount of attention and fame he received for what he accomplished while he was still a teenager was too much. I'm honestly amazed he made it to Texas without any centaur pics or manly-women stories leaking to the press.

David Roth: I’m on the record to this effect, but he is 100% poignant to me. Also probably a jerk, but fundamentally he's a dweeb. Just one who's exceptionally good at sports. But he just has no idea how to act. Most Asperger's cases aren't this buff and don't intentionally date Cameron Diaz. But he is exceptional like that.

David Raposa: I think I'm rooting for him to get the lifetime ban. He's got the money, he doesn't need the hassle, and I'm really sick of the media making hay from his ridiculous bullshit.

David Roth: I guess I could live with it. I feel like he belongs in the Hall of Fame. But mostly because he's one of the defining players of his era. Same way Bonds is. Among the best ever AND the most representative. If it's a museum, let it be a museum. He and Bonds both earned entry before they got on Those Hormones.

David Raposa: And they did what they did, regardless of what they were or were not on.

David Roth: Like a great many others. Retroactively piss-testing everyone is obviously a fool's errand in a bunch of ways. No one wants the Hall of Fame to be like the baseball version of Conservapedia.

David Raposa: Except the BBWAA.

David Roth: Right. Like some old crustaceans being like: "Here are my criteria: did he slide a lot? Was he cocky in a way that did not upset me? Also why do they make the orange juice so strong these days? Anyway I am voting for Phil Garner."

David Raposa: God damn these kids and their fondness of pulp!

David Roth: "Who even came up with the idea of leaving pieces of orange in the juice? In the absence of any real evidence, I'm just going to go with A Minority PED User."

David Roth: I mean, obviously do not cheat. It’s a dick move. And if MLB has enough evidence on A-Rod to justify a lifetime ban, then ban him, don’t cut some deal. But the bigger issue here, and the salient thing with regards to his punishment, seems to be that A-Rod isn’t copping to shit. (Although he already did and no one really believed it.)

David Roth: Which is of course his right, but not the right rhetorical look. I like that Giambi and Pettite still get credit for Owning Up To It.

David Raposa: Wait, how is Giambi getting a pass? Pettitte has his True Yankee card to whip out at a moment's notice, as well as some well-publicized bouts of God-fearing regret, so that makes "sense." But I thought the Giambino was a traitor to all things baseball and hair products.

David Roth: Giambi basically bro-sobbed through a passive-voice obstacle course. "Mistakes having been made it would certainly have been an emotion that could have been felt (tear) by some that they had been let down at some time. By players of baseball, by players perhaps such as those speaking at this moment, had that at any point occurred." Dude sure isn't blackballed.

David Raposa: Well, he is in Cleveland.

David Roth: He’s great! Anywhere there are Lamborghinis to lean on while tipping down his sunglasses. And that is anywhere he goes. Good luck banning being Fucking Awesome, Bud.


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