Yakkin' About Baseball: Jeffrey Loria's House of Games

There is no offseason for hilarious malfeasance from baseball's foremost Pudgy Bond Villain.
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David Roth: Still on the phone trying to get us a spot at the Marlins press conference introducing Jeff Mathis and Yunel Escobar. No one's answering. I guess just let it ring? They picked up earlier and the hold music was "Never Gonna Give You Up."

David Raposa: Maybe the Marlins are actually a reaaaaaal long telemarketer-type con, and Loria finally closed up shop?

David Roth: House of Games all up in the National League East. Loria and Samson smoking in a dark room, Loria all: "The gambit, are you listening David, the gambit. The fucking, and you know this, the play is nothing less than the dissolution of the social contract. That is the play to make, we fucking make it, you make it, you move on."

David Raposa: More like House of Two World Series Championships (And More Everything-Must-Go Sales Than Media Play). I guess the Marlins just go to show that all you need to succeed in baseball is a ridiculously savvy front office, a fertile farm system, and a literal, actual human bag of human shit holding the purse strings.

David Roth: I am honestly startled by how much I hate this trade. I want to make the jokes, the jokes are right there—that Loria looks like an Evil Republican Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, for instance, that's right there—but I don't want to make them.

David Raposa: Loria really is the spoiled-kid-at-Christmas franchise owner that we've always not wanted. He's the closest we'll come to Donald Trump owning a sports franchise, I'm afraid/hoping.

David Roth: "I'm taking a new approach," Yankees owner Donald Trump told Fox and Friends. "It's called SUCCESS, and you probably wouldn't understand it."

David Raposa: Can't wait for The Donald to offer Bryce Harper a $5 million signing bonus to prove he's a US citizen. (Also dibs on the "That's a clown incentive, bro" zinger.)

David Raposa: Has Loria ever publicly shown that he gave a shit about winning the World Series?

David Roth: Not really. There's no sense of his motivation for anything, although he does seem excited about having a whole stadium in which to show off his collection of shitty, huge contemporary art. David Samson at least gets excited when he talks about ripping off taxpayers. The only obvious motivation with Loria is BIG.

David Raposa: And GARISH. And also somehow THRIFTY.

David Raposa: I'd love to know how Larry Beinfest handles all of this. Does he just have a morphine/Pepto Bismol IV drip running around the clock as he waits for Loria to text him at 4am, demanding he trade the entire starting infield for a Skymall neck pillow?

David Roth: "I decided I don't like Reyes. Can you get me someone taller? Text the answer to the escort I'm flying to Monaco right now, and she'll tell me. Great. Good talk."

David Raposa: Sent from his refurbished Apple Newton, no doubt.

David Raposa: Loria must leave the best Post-Its on the company fridge. "ATTENTION MARLINS EMPLOYEES: Whoever brought in the chicken salad sandwich for lunch is fired. It tasted like paprika-flavored shit. Tomorrow, I want a turkey wrap, and some Diet Dr. Pepper. No sun-dried tomatoes, either. Stop reading this and get back to work. - J"

David Roth: He's always emailing all-staff with pictures of his boat. "Check out my baby! By the way, we're getting rid of sick days."

David Raposa: "If you want desks and chairs, you'll have to work for them. Also, stop sending me requests for new 'computers.' If pen and paper were good enough for JP Morgan, they should be good enough for the Cocoa Beach/St. Petersburg/Key West Marlins. Also, we're now the Cocoa Beach/St. Petersburg/Key West Marlins."

David Roth: Of Anaheim. Sorry.

David Raposa: Anyway, I'm looking forward to the Yankees and Red Sox fighting for fifth place.

David Roth: It will be tough for them. They should probably trade half their starting lineups to some other team for a fourth catcher, a knucklehead infielder who writes ungrammatical gay slurs on his eye black, and a few middling prospects. Just start fresh, show fans you're serious.

David Raposa: And then blackmail the fan-base to build them their own cloud city. (I heard Hank-Stein is a big Lando Calrissian fan.)

David Raposa: I'll admit I liked the trade a lot more when the only players leaving Toronto were Escobar and Hechavarria. It felt less like a bonkers player swap and more like transactional performance art.

David Roth: The idea of it as some sort of elaborate Yes Men-style bit of subversive agit-performance works for me. Get the state to spend billions to buy you a stadium, build it in your own garish image, then poop on the whole enterprise after it doesn't work for two months. You got SATIRIZED.

David Raposa: Somewhere in England, Damian Hirst just stopped embalming a possum and asked for Jeff Wilpon's number.

David Raposa: So you're penciling another championship parade for 2016, right?

David Roth: Ugh. Probably. At least Justin Ruggiano will be around to enjoy it.

David Raposa: What would it take to pry the not-at-all-disgruntled Giancarlo Stanton from Loria's mealy grasp? Assuming Giancarlo doesn't do the world a solid just take a bat to Loria's dome, of course.

David Roth: Until he's really getting paid, I assume there's no way to get him. Also there's no way Stanton will be able to get into the skull-shaped mountain fortress on Loria's private island.

David Raposa: "No, Mr. Stanton, I expect you to ARBITRATE!" Man, it's getting to the point where trying to goof on Loria's bullshit is almost as wearying as acknowledging the existence of Jeffrey Loria.

David Roth: Almost. It's really close, actually.


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