Yakkin' About Baseball: Entering Jeremy Guthrie Country

From the dog days of August, two heroes will rise to make fun of Rick Sutcliffe.
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David Raposa: Is the season dragging for you as much as it is me? I don't know if it's old age, or arthritis, or the clap, but this 2012 campaign cannot end soon enough. Bring on the arbitrary home field advantage!

Nate McLouth Bobblehead has been kidnapped. And also possessed.David Roth: Speak for yourself. I'm going through kind of an exciting time right now. Not in a good way. I lost $50,000 on a bet that yesterday night's Mets game would end with two runners on base and a Jason Bay check swing. It seemed like a smart bet, but it didn't work out and now I think I may wind up being very badly hurt.

David Raposa: I don't know if that was the best way to use those Kickstarter funds.

David Roth: The Mets are having problems right now, and I wanted to try to monetize it. But I can't really keep up with what's going wrong over there. The other night, Andres Torres bunted and then just burst into a cloud of locusts. I didn't expect that.

David Raposa: On the other hand, Terry Collins getting tossed for arguing an Andres Torres pick-off that the umpires incorrectly called in the Mets’ favor before correcting their mistake… Let’s Go Mets!

David Roth: But I take your point on the ennui. It can't help that this entire Red Sox season has basically been a long wait in a dentist's office. But the music being piped in is a glitchy, skipped Rob Thomas solo album, and you're in the office to get oral surgery and also the only magazines in the waiting room are The American Spectator and issues of US from three years ago with Kirstie Alley on the cover.

David Raposa: Reading about the Red Sox is like getting punched in the face with expired cold cuts. It's all Chinatown to me, this nonsense with the texts.

David Roth: So does it make you sad that the Red Sox are now also the New York Jets? It kind of makes me sad and I don't really care about either team.

David Raposa: I am slightly less sad now that I realize the Red Sox could have their own Tebow, so thank you for that, I guess? Anyway, it is what it is—karmic backlash for 2004, the universe coming correct with regards to the Yawkeys' rampant racism, John Lackey: Baseball Cooler, yadda yadda.

David Roth: The moral arc of the baseball universe is long, but it points towards 80-82 and the manager getting his old job with ESPN back.

David Raposa: I'm just happy to see the corner of Red Sox fandom I follow on the internet doing what Ye Olde Redde Sawx Faen does best: Complain about stupid front office transactions.

David Roth: I'm sure they'll be fine now that Kelly "MoveOn.org" Shoppach is out of the office. Dude reading Rules For Radicals in his locker. "If we really want to show Bobby V how we think, you should all forward this online petition."

David Raposa: At this point, I'm expecting Pedro's late midget friend to jump out of a clubhouse toilet holding a bag of syringes with STEROIDS FOR DAVID ORTIZ written on it.

David Roth: The 2012 Boston Red Sox: A Ken Russell Film.

David Raposa: With Peter Gammons as The Acid Queen, and a chicken drumstick in place of the giant phallus.

David Roth: Pedro Ciriaco swims through a pool of baked beans, gets out and sings "Tommy Can You Hear Me." Then Tommy Harper is like "Right here, dude. Please stop singing." Or are they more Nicolas Roeg? Takashi Miike? Bobby's kind of breaking some new ground performance-wise right now.

Champions gonna champion.David Raposa: At this point, I'm surprised Charlie Sheen isn't calling the FBI to claim the 2012 Red Sox season is a snuff film. So let us remember the good old days, when Bobby V was cutting a rug for a Red Sox charity in a garish pink-and-green get-up.

David Roth: It is impossible to comprehend how much Pedroia and those other baseball yobs must fucking hate that guy.

David Raposa: It's impossible to comprehend how the front office let this all this stuff leak to the media.

David Roth: They are, accidentally, the most transparent team in baseball.

David Raposa: Who has anything to gain from this getting out? Besides the rest of baseball.

David Raposa: I feel like Donald Sutherland in JFK now. Except I don't know shit, and I've never shown off my ass in a National Lampoon movie.

David Roth: No idea. But it's always there, somehow. It's like the most dysfunctional office in the world, but every time someone shit-talks a superior at Carrabba's Italian Grill over lunch, it's front-page on two papers and it makes Dan Shaughnessy cry fat tears.

David Roth: If anyone had covered the AOL DigitalCity offices this hard back in 2001, when I worked there, it would've been just as bad. Let alone Shaughnessy, who receives every loss like it's a ransom note.

David Raposa: To be fair, Shaugnessy receives every win like it's a second place prize in a beauty contest. He's the guy that'd complain about paying taxes after winning the lottery. And then get some poor publishing house to print a book about it.

David Roth: If every team was covered by a guy like that, no one would watch baseball. People would show up at the stadium, but they'd just watch Modern Family on the Jumbotron and be glad they did.

David Raposa: Listening to some broadcast teams, I feel like we are already through that particular looking glass.

David Roth: I don't have MLB Season Ticket, sadly. What am I missing out on?

David Raposa: Just the usual combo of drunk ex-player redassery and embittered play-by-play drudgery. That Vin Scully Clone Kickstarter campaign can't get funded soon enough.

David Roth: The Tampa Bay Rays broadcast team is a narcoleptic Ben Grieve and Rep. Allen West, that much I know. Are Astros games still done by Sam Elliott and Jim Deshaies?

David Raposa: Yes, with Sam Elliott calling strikeouts "marmots" and John Goodman bitching about doing on-the-field updates during Shabbos.

David Roth: "There's a man. Sometimes there's a certain man... it's actually Brett Wallace. He's shaped like Grimace from the old McDonald's commercials and he just popped out. We'll be back after this."

David Raposa: Hey, did you see the totally sober Rick Sutcliffe call for Melky Cabrera's deportation? I can't wait to hear his opinions on sexual assault!

David Roth: I didn't. What are his grounds for calling for deportation? Besides nine fingers of Wild Turkey and a lull in the action?

David Raposa: "You know, it makes you mad. First of all, this guy is over here in the United States on a working visa. He broke the law. What's he doing still here? I mean, forget the 50-game suspension from baseball and whether he can come back if they make the players [sic] or not. Why's he still here? That visa should be taken away, and he should not be allowed to play over here again, or work over here again, in my opinion."

David Raposa: Baseball is officially crazy town, and we are all Shifty Shellshock.

David Roth: Rick Sutcliffe is your butterfly. Sugar. Baby. Say what you will about the guy, though, he clearly knows a lot about how the law works and put a lot of thought into that statement before going ahead and saying it. So much thought, and so much Busch Light.

David Raposa: Depressingly, I am the same age as Shifty Shellshock.

David Roth: You look healthier. Cool that you guys have matching star tattoos on your hands, though.

David Raposa: Cosmic ink bros for life, man. I am glad that The Steroid Discussion is being had again, because I missed having nothing distracting me from actually enjoying baseball.

David Roth: I'm always looking forward to new pictures of Jeff Novitzky. It's so cool to see one of the screeching albino vampires from I Am Legend really working to improve himself, and our society.

David Raposa: Still don't get how Roger Goddell can get away with giving every Bane-looking NFL chem.-case a four-game tsk-tsk with minimal PR impact while every corner of baseball craps its Pampers every time a 120-pound batboy decides to take an iron supplement.

David Roth: Rick Sutcliffe didn't need that stuff during his playing days. He just needed a CamelBak full of Canadian whiskey, a couple of coffee cups laced with amphetamine, and THE TOTAL ABSENCE OF A DRUG-TESTING REGIME.

David Raposa: Funny; I figured Sutt was riding the Night Train (with a go-go juice back).

David Roth: Do you think that Roger Clemens will be able to get people out in the Atlantic League now that he's clean? It'll be interesting to watch him do battle with Chin-Lung Hu and (astonishingly) Shea Hillenbrand.

Atlantic League Buddies!David Raposa: Given that Clemens throws harder than Jamie Moyer, and will be doing so against lesser competition, I can see him getting Suzyn Waldman's knickers all in a twist like the good old days.

David Roth: OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, TIM REDDING IS WARMING UP IN CASE ROGER HURTS HIS HIP.

David Raposa: ROGER CLEMENS ... IS BUYING A KIELBASA .. FROM THE CONCESSION STANDS ...

David Roth: Christ, Roger Clemens is as old as Vince Coleman. I have not heard much about Vince's comeback, sadly. I only know this because I was reading about Vince's response to Billy Hamilton breaking his minor league stolen base mark. It took him 120 games.

David Raposa: Slacker. Back in the day, Maury Wills would steal 10 bases a game without even being in the stadium, while wearing burlap sacks for pants and carrying 15 bags of grain on his back to the burnt-down orphanage.

David Roth: And he did it clean. I am 105% for Billy Hamilton. I like, a lot, that he also talks really fast. He will eventually test positive for being part hummingbird.

David Raposa: Looking forward to the Dr. Moreau feature on HBO's Real Sports.

David Roth: The Reds will call him up for the postseason and just let him run wild in the playoffs, I hope. I want him to finish the playoffs with zero at-bats and eight stolen bases.

David Raposa: I didn't realize Cincy has a seven-game lead on the Pirates now. I'll have to go back to not giving a shit in order for the Bucs to get a wildcard.

David Roth: They get really skittish with all this attention from us. Starling Marte is a pretty regular Yakkin' reader. I'm always getting emails from him like, "check out this gif I made!" Okay, dude. I'll check out your gif. Relax.

David Raposa: And the Cardinals are only a game and a half behind them. Where is the justice?

David Roth: So sick of those guys. "It isn't October without Daniel Descalso sliding into first base!" - Joe Buck

David Raposa: But if St. Louis doesn't make the playoffs, then what's going to keep Joe Buck from doing games completely comatose?

David Roth: Just his distaste for sports. It has worked in the past.

David Roth: What'd we leave out? Anything? Jeremy Guthrie hasn't given up an earned run in 22 2/3 innings. Is that too exciting to talk about?

David Raposa: That's why they make the crappy trades!

David Roth: Do they call him Jer-Guth? Because that makes him sound like Superman's uncle.

David Raposa: Jay-Goo.

David Raposa: Or The Guh, if you're nasty.

David Roth: 'Thrie Times Dope Guthrie has allowed three earned in his last 28 2/3. His ERA on the season is now 5.41.

David Raposa: Coors Field is a fickle mistress. Which I guess makes Kaufmann Stadium a trophy wife? Metaphors!

David Roth: Complicated!

David Raposa: Finished!


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Comments

*wipes tears from eyes* God bless you two. Really needed this today.