Yakkin' About Baseball: Chris Berman's Spoken World Album

In which brain trauma inflicted by the Home Run Derby opens up a discussion of frankly punitive latitude.
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David Raposa: So, for reasons that I still can't quite explain, I decided this year to watch the Home Run Derby in full. Without muting the volume.

David Roth: And the halls echoed with the sounds of screaming, of a great madness unleashed and ravenous, and also of Chris Berman misquoting the lyrics to "China Grove" while Brian Dozier takes big swings.

David Roth: I should note that I didn't see a minute of it. I wound up ceding the TV to my wife so she can watch her Stories. ABC Family definitely is offering a superior product, and deserve it. My only online #interaction with the Derby was just an excuse to see if I could land a Todd Frazier/Todd Flanders joke, which I could not.

David Raposa: Man, did you make the right choice. Not with the Flanders tweet, but in general. (Also #RIPBunheads). Other than a brief flash of Giancarlo Stanton, and some welcome Cespedes-ing, it was a slog.

David Raposa: The internet says the real highlight was Chris Berman mushmouthing "sabermetrics" as "sabermatics" multiple times, but I must've missed it while micro-napping.

David Roth: Those are savvy naps, and that is a pretty high zenith. Was Berman saying it like "I do not mind Scoobynomics or whatever, because it's good to understand more things, and I'm an adult" or more like "[Intentionally mispronounces word] [Moody Blues reference]." I think I know the answer.

David Raposa: The latter, but instead with [forced CCR reference] and [Robin-Williams-worthy Fargo-style Minnesota accent] and [multiple Bob Dylan shoutouts, including a Robert Zimmermann factoid].

David Roth: Oh yeah, Robert Zimmerman! Love that guy on Twitter. Definitely one of my two favorite Zimmerman brothers.

David Roth: So, is the Derby actually getting longer every year, or is that just the perception? Last year was Barry Lyndon, give or take a somnolent scene on a boat or two. This year is Transformers: This Time They Can Fart Or Something, at least. Next year we're starting to get into really dangerous territory.

David Raposa: This is my first time actually watching in a long while, and this is some Director's Cut Lord of the Rings Trilogy shit. I'd root for next year to be the Hobbit trilogy, if only for the slim chance it would involve Benedict Cumberbatch slithering on the ground making his dragon voice.

David Roth: I worked at a video store in high school that stocked the Alan Smithee version of Dune, which David Lynch took his name off because it was just every scene he shot dumped onto like three VHS tapes.

David Raposa: Dean Stockwell wandering into the broadcast booth to shout-whisper, "THE TOOTH" at odd intervals.

David Roth: "How'd you feel out there today, Yoenis?" "You know, I just told myself 'the spice must flow' and tried to just do that."

David Raposa: Berman or Kruk could easily play Floating Dude With Disgusting Face Sores And Wine Stains On His Mouth.

David Roth: That... was that Sting's part? I am hoping it was Sting's part.

David Raposa: No, no: Sting played Sweaty Fit Assassin With Retractable Hook-Knives In His Costume.

David Roth: Good casting, is what that is. So, who or what is Chris Berman's constituency? Like, who is he for?

David Roth: I'll admit that I'm not up on the most current demographic territories. Is it "Lake Dads," who own boats, have Oakley sunburns and enjoy classic rock and drinking but are like shockingly conservative on social issues?

David Raposa: That's something for Vice to uncover. I shudder to think of the correspondent asking the cameraman to take cover while Berman stumbles out of a gastropub Shatnering his way through "Paranoid Android." (By the way, there was also some Ken-Nordine worthy word jazz from Berman, about All-Star Games past. Very anti-inspirational.)

David Roth: /Dims lights /Puts on Chris Berman's spoken-word record "I'm With Me, Leather."

David Raposa: Jesus Christ, Todd Frazier's Twitter handle is FlavorFraz21. or FlavaFraz21. or ForFucksSakeYouAreAnAdult21.

David Roth: One thing I've noticed, through following a bunch of baseball players on Twitter, is that a goodly number of them are CHIVE-rs. Underboob Thursday and the slackest-ass kind of Bill Murray worship and American flag creepshots and epic bacon (for the win) and, like, Noah Syndegaard, too.

David Raposa: I can't believe I've gone this long w/out Underboob Thursday in my life.

David Roth: What else have you been doing on Thursdays? This is weird.

David Raposa: Tacos, mostly. It never occurred to me that I could get tacos and reverse cleave at the same time, though.

David Roth: From photographs of butts to pictures of large-format foods, The Internet Has You Covered™.

David Raposa: And speaking of reverse cleave, Brady Anderson is in the club. It's going down.

David Roth: "Most people that get cucked by Rafael Palmeiro, they don't bounce back. But there's no room for excuses where I work. That's why I take Hideous Chalky Protein Shake With Banned Amino Acid Compounds."

David Raposa: Man, who didn't Palmeiro cuckold? Did he throw his hot dog down Juan Gonzalez's hallway, too?

David Roth: I don't even think that's a metaphor. I think he went to Juan Gone's McManse and threw a few hot dogs into the "great hall"—which JG had filled with white leather furniture no one was allowed to use—just to let him know who was boss.

David Raposa: Please hold, I'm on the phone with my laywer, copyrighting "Juan Gone's McManse"

David Roth: "Hey, thanks a lot. We're Juan Gone's McManse, we've got one more song. Stick around for Who Killed Dean Palmer."

David Raposa: That joke could win the Home Run Derby.

David Roth: Just because of Dean P's power, though.

David Raposa: Death is the one true outcome.

David Roth: -- Goth Jayson Werth

David Raposa: How much different would that be from 2014's Hipster Metal Jayson Werth?

David Roth: Really more a question of crunchiness than anything else. As usual. So, you're done. You watched the whole thing. Are you okay? Was it more fun than watching the slightly shorter Schindler's List?

David Raposa: More harrowing, surely. Granted, it was nice of MLB to rejigger the format of the Derby so viewers got to see Giancarlo Stanton hit only once while Todd Frazier took three turns.

David Roth: I do think it's a little weird that the outcome of the Home Run Derby decides home field advantage in the World Series.

David Raposa: I really think it should decide which league has to deal with all pre-, mid-, and post-game interview requests for the series. That'd be something to play for. Hell, there'd probably be fistfights.

David Roth: Way more investment than for the World Series. Which is only going to inconvenience some Bay Area team slightly, anyway.

David Raposa: So you're predicting Sabean vs. Beane. The analyst vs. the ...guttisist? Fuck, I really need to read a book.

David Roth: You're doing great! Also I am now unsure you could read a book. Maybe Johnny Damon's as-told-to autobiography "Hair Man Do Hit Good: Baseballs" is a good place to start?

David Raposa: He head nice with brows and teeth.

David Roth: Girls good but also and in addition to do hit well for baseball mans. Good to play win nice parades soft bed sleepsleep.

David Raposa: I'd continue, but I'm scared I'll actually start talking like that.

David Roth: There's always a place for you on Fox's baseball broadcast team.


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