What's the Worst That Could Happen at WWE's TLC 2015?

Tables, Ladders, Chairs and a terrible build to a PPV, oh my!
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It’s December, which means it's time for WWE's seventh TLC: Tables Ladders and Chairs PPV.  This year's edition emanates from Boston's TD Garden, with Sheamus vs. Roman Reigns in the show's titular match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and every other title on the line at some point in the evening. We think. TV's been hard to follow lately.  

With a reviled face at the top of the card, smarks screaming bloody murder about the business, a build that left something to be desired and literally half the main event scene out of action, it's time to ask:

What’s the Worst That Could Happen? 

Rusev vs. Ryback

Best Case Scenario: Rusev crushes Ryback, who tries to feed his way out of the crushing. Then, after The Ryback’s miraculous escape, they run at each other and collide with such force that it sucks the entire WWE universe into a hole of nothing but bright colors, beanies and flags with peoples faces on them.

Worst Case Scenario: Ryback, misunderstanding what Lana means when screaming “REACH INTO HIS HEART AND PULL IT OUT”, starts talking to Rusev about a little book called The Secret. Profoundly moved, Rusev immediately walks away from wrestling to start a marsupial farm called Ru-Ru’s Roos-Roos.

What Nick Wants to Happen: HOSSS FIGGHT!

What Will Happen: Either the same “battle of who can make the most unbelievable ‘mildly perturbed’ face” that’s been going on for the last two weeks, or a hoss fight that brings tears to the sub-cockles of your heart.

Alberto Del Rio © vs. Jack Swagger

Chairs match for the United States Championship

Best Case Scenario: Jack Swagger takes literally just a single goddamned minute to explain why he wants to be super racist best friends with Zeb Colter/why that’s a good thing, with the answer being literally anything other than him screaming WE THE PEOPLE. Or, Alberto Del Rio channels Alberto El Patron, and turns into the Mexican Bret Hart he should have always been right in front of our eyes, starting a long turn of the League of Nations into the second coming of the New Hart Foundation.

Worst Case Scenario: Swagger, Colter and Del Rio decide to become super racist best friends *together*, Swagger becomes a MexAmerican citizen and the trio announces the start campaign to remove all Muslim fans from the WWE Universe. That's when crowd starts chanting “We The People”.

What Nick Wants to Happen: A showcase for two of the more talented performers in the company – say what you will about the rest of his presentation, but Jack Swagger is capable of the kind of in-ring work you can build a mid-card title around (if not any of the talky/character bits) – in a way that is fundamentally different than the previous 90,000 matches these two have had. Also, a Colter scoot-away for good measure and a Del Rio win, as he is mi corazon. 

What Will Happen: Del Rio wins, after taking fuckever to set up his finisher (which even I think is shite, and I am writing this in an “El Clasico“ ADR shirt).

The ECW Originals (The Dudley Boyz, Rhyno & Tommy Dreamer) vs. The Wyatt Family

8-man Tag Team Elimination Tables Match

Best Case Scenario: The Wyatts annihilate the ECW originals, cut open their carcasses and wear their skins like pelts out of the arena.

Worst Case Scenario: Given they are not in Philadelphia, anyone other than Erick Rowan being eliminated from the Wyatts. Or this match taking more than 15 minutes. Okay, ten. Ten minutes, that’s my limit.

What Nick Wants to Happen: A mix between the Best Case Scenario, and the third TNA-ECW reunion, only somehow sadder.

What Will Happen: The ECW stablet will get way more than is even remotely reasonable, or even their primes would have made sense.

Charlotte © vs. Paige

Divas Championship Match

Best Case Scenario: Bayley-Sasha, NXT Takeover: Brooklyn

Worst Case Scenario: Sharmell-Jenna Morasca, TNA’s Victory Road 2009

What We Want: Sasha

What Will Happen: Charlotte-Paige, Survivor Series 2015

Kevin Owens © vs. Dean Ambrose

Intercontinental Championship Match

Best Case Scenario: Owens loses in such a way that it allows him to move up the card, towards some kind of independent wrestling fan wet dream where he gets to go to Suplex City for WrestleMania LONE STAR. Ambrose finally figures out what to do with that hairline.

Worst Case Scenario: This turns into a popcorn eating contest, while the announcers shout “WHAT A LUNATIC” over and over again. Or, buckets of soda are dropped from the ceiling, like so much late-period WCW.

What Nick Wants to Happen: For there to be a clear articulation of the paths both of these performers are taking going forward after this match. More so than their position in the card -- which seems firmly established as “upwardly mobile mid-carders” – where in that space they are moving towards is what needs to be made clear for both performers after Sunday.

What Will Happen: Either the best match of the night, or the most disappointing one. And, because of the complete lack of “complications” (read: garbage stipulations), either its cleanest or schmozziest finish.

The New Day © vs. The Usos vs. The Lucha Dragons

Triple Threat Ladder Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship

Best Case Scenario: New Day rocks.

Worst Case Scenario: New Day sucks.

What Nick Wants to Happen: New Day rocks.

What Will Happen: New Day rocks.

Sheamus © vs. Roman Reigns

Tables, Ladders and Chairs match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Best Case Scenario: Roman Reigns, after Samoan dropping Sheamus of the ladder and then Superman punching the belt off the title keychain, makes a vow to never cut an extemporaneous promo of more than 5 words, and no backstage interviews longer than 3 minutes. Sheamus appears to exit his own body as an exoskeleton, and reveals himself to be Seth Rollins, who faked his injury to play Roman Reigns for “a total goddamned fool”. Roman Reigns, clearly heartbroken, looks into Seth-mus’s eyes and says “I’ll miss you, Shea.”

Worst Case Scenario: The Authority come out before the match and, citing injury concerns, inform the crowd that this match has been cancelled and replaced with what they vaguely describe as “at best, for business” debate on the role that the federal government should play in our lives using only Family Guy jokes. Or, the crowd are upset about this being a glorious smashfest.

What Nick Wants to Happen: A glorious smashfest.

What Will Happen: Some punches, lots of climbing. Wet hair, and presumably, Sheamus winning via Shenanigans.


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