What's the Worst That Could Happen at Royal Rumble 2016?

All vs. One ... or is it? (Probably both.)
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For the first time in the history of the Royal Rumble, one man will be defending his title against 29 other performers. About half the crowd hates that guy. What's the Worst That Could Happen?

Darren Young and Damien Sandow vs. The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) vs. The Ascension (Konnor and Viktor) vs. Mark Henry and Jack Swagger

Fatal four-way tag team match to qualify for the Royal Rumble match

Best Case Scenario: The Dudley Boyz enter a time machine AND NEVER COME BACK. But, like, in their place are the version of the Dudleyz that almost caused riots in bingo halls, not the one that just make everyone sad. Also Mark Henry World Strongest Slamming the Ascension on top of Darren Young and Damien Sandow. Then the ring itself on top of them.

Worst Case Scenario: JBL shows up drunk to the PPV, challenging both members of The Ascension to a fight like my dad on camping trip. Then he makes an inappropriate joke about Damien and Darren’s relationship, and screams “Hayes was right!” at Mark Henry while goosestepping… again.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Like, at least half of the Best Case Scenario if not all, and may just a little bit of the stuff with the Ascension from the Worst Case Scenario.

What Will Happen: Mark Henry and Jack Swagger should win, and if God is completely dead, start a feud – or worse, a tag team – in the Royal Rumble match.

Dean Ambrose (c) vs. Kevin Owens

Last Man Standing match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship

Best Case Scenario: HHH-Cactus Jack, Royal Rumble 2000

Worst Case Scenario: HHH-Scott Steiner, Royal Rumble 2003

What Nick Wants to Happen: Hunter Hearst Helmsley-Goldust, Royal Rumble 1996

What Will Happen: Duke “The Dumpster” Droese-Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Royal Rumble 1996 Free for All

Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. Kalisto

Singles match for the WWE United States Championship

Best Case Scenario: This, at the last minute, turns in some sort of alternate reality where the fans actually care about watching Kalisto and Alberto Del Rio working together. It’d also be nice if it were done in front a smaller crowd, maybe as part of a larger set of tapings. And, if possible – and I know this is a long shot – they could be put a channel not available to anyone not willing to join the Time Warner or Comcast shit-twisting #contentnados, that’d be, just the best.

Worst Case Scenario: This match is cut after adding a match featuring the surviving members of the Mexicools performing in the same gear Mascarita Sagrada and La Parkita wore at the Alamodome in 1997.

What Nick Wants to Happen: This, not surprisingly to anyone who has ever heard or read me talk about Alberto Del Rio will be acutely aware that this is the match for which I am the most excite. While their Raw match had its, uh, “moments”, their follow-up on Smackdowwn made this match feel very necessary. Running the “we’re not touching you” interference play is the easiest way to my heart, but it also gave Kalisto what amounted to a moral victory and a guaranteed rematch with an opportunity to right a wrong. The way God intended PPV matches to work.

What Will Happen: It’s hard to imagine them keeping the title on Del Rio, especially if they are going to have the League of Nations involved in the Road to WrestleMania in any meaningful ways. Getting the title off of Del Rio also allows them to do more with him as it relates to filler at the top of the card. There was no reason for Kevin Owens and Roman Reigns to have been given away so freely, and having Del Rio not involved in a feud as a defending champion leaves him open for such occasions. It’s the proverbial win-win, and in the case of Kalisto, also an actual literal win.

Charlotte (c) (with Ric Flair) vs. Becky Lynch

Singles match for the WWE Divas Championship

Best Case Scenario: This is treated as the second main event, and last straight match, behind the Rumble match for the title. Like Bayley and Sasha, this shouldn’t be given the main event, it’s earned its way to the main event. Outside of the, you know, 30-man match for the title at the end of the night. But it’s has to start somewhere and “consensus best feud in the company” seems as good a place as anywhere.

Worst Case Scenario: They make this the second match of the night and sandwich it between slow storyline segments that they insist on doing now at PPVs, even though it makes literally everyone watching eight different types of angry. Eight. Different. Types.

What Nick Wants to Happen: For the Charlotte-Ric dynamic to start to solidify, where it’s possible to tell what Charlotte wants to do as easily as it to tell what’s she’s willing to do for her father.

What Will Happen: Presumably a genuinely kick-ass match that will likely end what’s been easily the best feud of either of their runs so far on the main roster. There seems to be more meat on the bone with Charlotte as champion than Becky, but it’s also easy to imagine that Becky will win with the Dis-Arm-Her after botched interference from Ric, leading to them figuring out things on the way to a WrestleMania rematch with her and a healthy Sasha thrown in for good measure.

The New Day (Big E, Kofi Kingston and/or Xavier Woods) (c) vs. The Usos (Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso)

Tag team match for the WWE Tag Team Championship

Best Case Scenario: That they come out in the Francesca funeral shirts, then introduce a three-trombone rhythm section which Xavier will be conducting going forward. Then, a series of children challenge Kofi and Big E. to fights, which – as they previously promised – ends with them mollywhopping several tweens in jogging outfits.

Worst Case Scenario: Cool Dad Jericho comes out and f*cking ruins F&CKING EVERYTHING. F$CK.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Literally no Cool Dad, but just tons and tons of tricep meat flaying, trombone playing and child slaying.

What Will Happen: Cool Dad Jericho comes out and f*cking ruins F&CKING EVERYTHING. F$CK.

2016 Royal Rumble match

30-man Royal Rumble match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Best Case Scenario: Bray Wyatt wins.

Worst Case Scenario: Sheamus wins.

What Nick Wants to Happen: Brock wins.

What Will Happen: Roman wins.


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