The Captains In Summer, Part Two

Part the second of our series of not-at-all-plausible speculation concerning out-of-work NHL captains.
Share |

Most sports have captains of one kind or another—some of my earliest sports memories are of a P.A. roaring "Number two...The Captain...Alex English!" before the Lego Skyline Nuggets proceeded to spazz around McNichols Arena for a couple hours—but in no sport is the position so revered as in hockey. Everybody—every fan, every player, every anonymous squeaker on a message board—has something to say about the captain of his or her team.

And so, as this NHL offseason has cratered inevitably into what looks like a long and possibly season-blanking lockout, it feels only natural that we turn our lonely eyes to our leaders. Not, this time, for leadership: there is no hockey team to lead. Now, we wonder what pastimes these captains have found to fill their hours and ours. Part One of this exploration is here.

Nashville Predators: Shea Weber—Weber, a huge man and violent hitter, once shot a puck so hard it tore through the goal netting. This summer, however, he made headlines for signing an offer sheet from the ever-predatory Philadelphia Flyers, before the offer was matched and his services thus retained by the poster child for a mid-tier organization being squeezed into bad decisions by richer franchises. It is unknown if this makes him the first Canadian ever to want to move from Nashville to Philadelphia and be prevented from so doing.

However, there's much more to this man than hockey. He curated a well-received "Roots of Mumblecore" series at this year's Toronto International Film Festival and is active in his charity, London WeberBoys, a scraper bike club in the Ontario city where he summers.

New Jersey Devils: Vacant—New Jersey currently has no captain. What they do have is an infinite loss staring at them through the season-void, because, if time stretches enough, it seems likely that ancient pillars like goalie Martin Brodeur and the incomparable Patrik Elias may call it quits, or, worse, come back at a dramatically lower level than that to which we and they have been accustomed. Both shone and sputtered variously in the team's unexpected run to the Cup finals last season, fueling both partisan hope for another sterling turn in the saddle and nervousness about how much might be left in the tank. Brodeur's mid-season conversion to modern-sized pads will probably buy him at least another year; here's hoping Elias has some similar mojo at his disposal: the league's a fairer place when he's there.

New York Islanders: Mark Streit—Smooth offensive-minded defenseman Mark Streit presided over one of the most thrilling underdog runs in recent memory when he commandeered the Swiss national team to a win over Canada in the 2006 Winter Olympics. The Swiss team didn't medal, but wins over the Czech Republic and Canada will mean a lot to Swiss hockey fans for a long, long time.

Unfortunately, the Islanders seem even more overmatched against NHL-type competition than the Swiss once did against Olympic-caliber teams, meaning any wins they eke out are savory and redolent of virtue. Streit sandwiched seasons where he played every available game around one where he missed every game with a shoulder injury. Whatever he's up to, he's applying high levels of skill and nearly infinite devotion, for the craft is ever its own reward when you're on some Seven Samurai shit like he is.

New York Rangers: Ryan Callahan—Oddly, and, for Ranger fans, perhaps ominously, the famously blue-collar shot-blocking grinder Ryan Callahan has spent his summer with exiled and retired Sean Avery, learning about Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young, and fashion.

"Wait, Sean," Ryan asks, "is this...denim over denim? Isn't that a little—"

"It's chambray, moron," he's told.

"Oh. Should we talk about seersucker at some point?" A slap rings out and the handprint on Callahan's cheek matched the passionate flush on both of Avery's.

"Seersucker is not a fabric for fall, Ryan."

Ottawa Senators: Daniel Alfredsson—Is coming back, if indeed there will ever again be ice to come back to, and there is literally nothing wrong with that. We're all fitter, happier, healthier spectacle-enthusiasts when aging second-tier talents with first-rank values stick around for a little longer.

Philadelphia Flyers: Chris Pronger—Working on a cookbook. Rehabbing from a concussion. Possibly never playing hockey again. That sort of thing.

Phoenix Coyotes: Shane Doan—The Coyotes may be neither the Coyotes nor associated with Phoenix any minute now, but since Gary Bettman has apparently been named the NHL's snide, sneering prickly smirk-in-charge for life, they probably won't contract, and Doan did just re-up in the desert, so let's just go with it.

Anyhow, he's spending his summer the way he spends every summer: working as a Men's Rights Advocate in underprivileged communities. His charity Caps for the Cut has bought and delivered over 1,000 fedoras to the tragic wounded veterans of the War on Masculinity, those children whose foreskins were from their tiny penises untimely plucked. Also he's got a ranch in Alberta or something.

Pittsburgh Penguins: Sidney Crosby—Unknown, but he's probably doing it really, really well.

Okay, okay, he's--as always--working out six hours a day, so when he comes back, he'll still be something on the order of half again as good as everybody else.

St. Louis Blues: David Backes—Finally getting around to Koyaanisqatsi, after his college girlfriend's mom put the soundtrack on his iPod back in Mankato. Usually he just skips it whenever it comes on, but some end-summer nights lately everything's quiet and he puts it on loud, thinking of whiskey hours in the Ostrander tower with Karen.

He finds the movie a downer, honestly, and frowns at his dying cigar. He should call somebody. He doesn't want to call anybody. He doesn't want to call Karen. He wants to think about the time he drove over, then threw up on her lawn and her mom came out, gave him a towel, held on to his keys for a couple days. How nice she was at the food court, giving him his keys back, saying how sorry she was about Toews, asking about his dog. He doesn't want to call anybody. He doesn't want to watch Koyaanisqatsi again. He wonders if she ever gave his letter to Karen. He wonders why he doesn't hate Toews anymore. His phone's in his hand, somehow. He puts it down and hits PLAY again, thinking about relighting his cigar.

San Jose Sharks: Joe Thornton—Joetho Rnton, Scimitar of the Southern Wastes, Vast Lord of the Gatlalian Smatet, and Crude Owner of the Turkey-Leg Ride, has of late grown weary of the "pusillanimous larvae infesting" his ancestral demesnes. Wiping his brow free of the honest sweat born of bestriding our narrow earth like a colossus, Rnton cedes his place to what peers and vassals may overrun the fruited plains by right his own and simply strides away. His gait is powerful, even deliberate, and betrays not a single hesitation. And yet, and yet...surely he could walk faster, if he wanted to.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Vincent Lecavalier—His smooth palm rests cool on your flushed throat, and he murmurs "Please do come inside." You pause, drenched in his curls, falling into the thrum of your own pulse restrained delicately under his scorer's hands. The castle looms above you. Its shadows creep forward and engulf you, and as everything falls into darkness you see that Lecavalier and the castle are one, one bloodslick maw swallowing you, body and soul, and you know that the last thing you will ever know is...

THE END.

Toronto Maple Leafs: Dion Phaneuf—Just got home and grimly, silently ate from a variety of cheap cheeses before discovering a disturbingly pale hair in one wedge. He's still standing in his dark kitchen, the heat-softening dairy lump in his hand, his mammoth-club of a jaw working, working.

Vancouver Canucks: Henrik Sedin—Up in Ornskoldsvik learning to throw them horns w/ Foppa, while arguing fervently over who—who really was "the foremost exponent of the Gothenburg sound."

Washington Capitals: Alexander OvechkinShaved his head and noted that he was ready to go to war for the NHLPA. And isn't at all terrifying now that he's giving off a powerful vibe of Pvt. Pyle, entering a World Of Shit at the hands of chiselling owners with exactly no-one's best interests at heart, preventing him from surging forth into the 'Nam-like season, and keeping us from thrilling to his sniping and the inestimably violent way he clears out room for himself on the ice, like a squad going room-to-room through the ruins of Saigon. Because hockey is like war.

Winnipeg Jets: Andrew Ladd—As he has done everywhere he has played, Ladd has thrown himself body and soul into the local scene of his new city. He's booked house and club shows for traveling bands, tabled at countless events for his books-for-prisoners charity, Ladd's Mags, and founded a cooperatively run non-profit coffee/record/book shop/show space called Daydream Nation. So far, of his teammates, only goalie Ondrej Pavelec has answered any of his texts and allowed Ladd to stick-and-poke an I Spy lyric onto his hand.

In his spare time, Ladd is said to be "getting really into vegan baking."


Share |

Comments

Cheers for this wicked post. I was wondering whether you were planning of publishing similar posts to this. .Keep up the great posts! 1xbet

Much appreciated such a great amount for sharing this amazing information! I am anticipating see more postsby you! Wordpress baserad sida

Much obliged for sharing this data. I truly like your blog entry all that much. You have truly shared a useful and intriguing blog entry with individuals.. Klicka vidare till sidan

Super web log! I actually like how it is user-friendly on my eyes and as well the information are well scripted. I am curious how I might be notified whenever a brand-new post has been successful. I have subscribed to your rss feed which must do the trick! TX again! casino

Much thanks to you for another extraordinary article. Where else would anyone be able to get that sort of data in such a flawless method for composing? I have a presentation one week from now, and I am on the search for such data. Upscale Escorts

This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free atacadao de roupas

I am all that much satisfied with the substance you have specified. I needed to thank you for this awesome article. tours in istanbul

I have perused your web journal it is extremely useful for me. I need to express profound gratitude to you. I have bookmark your site for future redesigns. Daily Devotionals

hello there was simply checking whether you minded a remark. i like your site and the thme you picked is super. I will be back. mate tea leaves

Very helpful field, thanks a ton for ad. “It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.” by Conan Doyle.. black and white tile

Goodness, this is truly intriguing perusing. I am happy I discovered this and got the opportunity to peruse it. Incredible employment on this substance. I like it. Wedding Reception Venues

That is the incredible mentality, in any case is simply not make each sence at all proclaiming about that mather. Practically any strategy an abundance of thanks notwithstanding i had try to advance your own particular article into delicius all things considered it is obviously a quandary utilizing your data locales would you be able to please recheck the thought. much appreciated yet again. farming simulator 19 mods

a debt of gratitude is in order for this usefull article, sitting tight for this article like this once more. string split javascript

You are very brave focuses in this article. I would have never thought to be any of these on the off chance that I didn't go over this. Much appreciated!. psycho-kit.pl

Decent to be going by your online journal yet again, it has been months for me. Well this article ive been sat tight for along these lines long. i need this article to complete my task inside of the workforce, and it has same subject together with your article. Much appreciated, pleasant offer. Luxury villas in Zante

You know your projects stand out of the herd. There is something special about them. It seems to me all of them are really brilliant! glasgow plastering

A debt of gratitude is in order for setting aside an ideal opportunity to talk about this, I feel unequivocally about it and affection adapting more on this subject. On the off chance that conceivable, as you pick up mastery, would you brain redesigning your web journal with additional data? It is to a great degree accommodating for me. website

I admit, I have not been on this web page in a long time... however it was another joy to see It is such an important topic and ignored by so many, even professionals. professionals. I thank you to help making people more aware of possible issues. atacadao de roupas

Keep doing awesome read few posts on this site and I consider that your web journal is exceptionally fascinating and has sets of fabulous data. yerba mate loose leaf

Incredible data! I as of late ran over your online journal and have been perusing along. I thought I would leave my first remark. I don't comprehend what to say with the exception of that I have. paydayloansintheusa.com

Fascinating and stunning how your post is! It Is Useful and accommodating for me That I like it all that much, and I am anticipating Hearing from your next.. Locs

I have perused a couple of the articles on your site now, and I truly like your style of blogging. I added it to my top choices online journal website list and will be inquiring soon. If it's not too much trouble look at my site also and let me realize what you think. cbd merchant processors

Much obliged to you so much Love your online journal.. domestic cbd merchant accounts

A debt of gratitude is in order for setting aside an ideal opportunity to talk about this, I feel emphatically that affection and read more on this subject. On the off chance that conceivable, for example, pick up learning, would you psyche overhauling your web journal with extra data? It is extremely helpful for me. voyance gratuite numero non surtaxe

Awesome and interesting article. Great things you've always shared with us. Thanks. Just continue composing this kind of post. awas yojana list

Much obliged to you so much Love your online journal.. Animal Porn

A debt of gratitude is in order for the significant data and experiences you have so given here... dust sheets

I admit, I have not been on this web page in a long time... however it was another joy to see It is such an important topic and ignored by so many, even professionals. professionals. I thank you to help making people more aware of possible issues. atacadao de roupas

Wow what a Great Information about World Day its very nice informative post. thanks for the post. fábricas de roupas

I felt extremely upbeat while perusing this site. This was truly exceptionally useful site for me. I truly enjoyed it. This was truly a warm post. Much obliged!. Debt counselling

Wow what a Great Information about World Day its very nice informative post. thanks for the post. online agen

I have as of late begun a web journal, the data you give on this website has helped me significantly. A debt of gratitude is in order for the majority of your time and work. fun88

much obliged to you for an awesome post. best cosmetic dentist nyc

Superb article. Exceptionally intriguing to peruse. I truly love to peruse such a pleasant article. Much obliged! continue shaking. mail order weed canada

A debt of gratitude is in order for your understanding for your phenomenal posting. I'm happy I have set aside an ideal opportunity to see t digital forensics corporation

I adore your wp web template, wherever do you obtain it through? Saxophone

This is truly a great read for me. I have bookmarked it and I am looking forward to reading new articles. Keep up the good work!. Dictionnaire des collocations

This substance is composed extremely well. Your utilization of organizing when mentioning your focuses makes your objective facts clear and straightforward. Much obliged to you. ICO advertising

I read that Post and got it fine and educational. If it's not too much trouble share more like that... Cheapest Samsung Note 9 tempered glass

This is such an extraordinary asset, to the point that you are giving and you give it away for nothing. I cherish seeing blog that comprehend the benefit of giving a quality asset to free. hook and loop

Your web journal furnished us with significant data to work with. Each and every tips of your post are magnificent. Much appreciated for sharing. Continue blogging, A QA Test Procedure

howdy, your websites are really good. I appreciate your work. Furniture Store Financing Bad Credit

Just admiring your work and wondering how you managed this blog so well. It’s so remarkable that I can't afford to not go through this valuable information whenever I surf the internet! A Level Physics Gce Guide

I imagine that much obliged for the valuabe data and bits of knowledge you have so given here. VIP Financing Solutions Reviews

No doubt this is an excellent post I got a lot of knowledge after reading good luck. Theme of blog is excellent there is almost everything to read, Brilliant post. vape

Interesting topic for a blog. I have been searching the Internet for fun and came upon your website. Fabulous post. Thanks a ton for sharing your knowledge! It is great to see that some people still put in an effort into managing their websites. I'll be sure to check back again real soon. FS19 mods

This is highly informatics, crisp and clear. I think that everything has been described in systematic manner so that reader could get maximum information and learn many things. farming simulator 2019 mods

Much obliged to you so much Love your online journal.. private detective Singapore

I was very happy to find this internet site on bing, just what I was looking for : D too saved to favorites . 토토사이트 추천

Brilliant outlined data. I thank you about that. Most likely it will be exceptionally helpful for my future ventures. Might want to see some different posts on the same subject! 먹튀