The Brothers Maloof, Dateline 2015

What will Sacramento's widely reviled owners be up to in a couple years? Something terrible, most likely.
Share |

July 28, 2015. Los Angeles, California -- 65 minutes after our predetermined meeting time of 11:00 AM, Joe and Gavin Maloof pulled into the parking lot of the café in a bright yellow 2007 Hummer. The brothers sat in the backseat and rolled down their windows so that they could snipe at the driver to open their doors. The driver, a weary-seeming man in denim shorts, lazily exited and opened both doors, not pausing for the brothers to get out before he returned to the driver’s seat. The Maloofs were apologetic, to me if not to him. They explained in stereo that they were “knee-deep in some next-level real estate shit” here in SoCal. I said okay and suggested we get some food, I have a lot of questions. Gavin called me ‘Hoss’ and nervously giggled as he lit a cigarette and led the three of us inside.

Of course the smoking laws of California prohibit this, which Gavin obviously knew since he eagerly agreed to wait outside. As we were in line, he would yell his order in at his brother. But he was indecisive. “HAM AND EGGS!” he bleated, “UHH WAIT, DOES THAT SPELL REUBEN OR BACON?” “CAN YOU ASK THE GUY WHAT CHEVRE IS? ASK HIM IF THEY HAVE BUD LIGHT PLATINUM ON TAP!” Finally, Gavin settled for a T-Bone with the outside shaved off and curled as a garnish on top of the steak core, which he requested well done. Joe ordered chocolate cake and three tonic waters. His wallet was velcro; I counted 27 credit cards. No tip was awarded.

I took out my notebook, looked up, and found Joe winking at me and brandishing a skinny, silo-shaped bottle. “This is our new Zing! product,” he said. “Salt-flavored Vodka. You mind if we party?” I said I did not, and Joe poured a healthy amount into his tonic. “You know, Patrick,” Gavin said as he took a swig of his brother’s V+T, “Vodka was invented by the Ancient Egyptians to celebrate their god, Anubis. It’s true.” (Editor’s Note: it’s not true.)

I sipped the horrid, frankly pretzel-ish cocktail and asked the brothers, by now at full strength and describing to me how they used “real saline” in making their vodka, how they were keeping busy. What was their next scheme? I honestly didn’t know. Since having been excommunicated from the NBA’s ownership fraternity two years ago, the family hadn’t been nearly as visible. Once these men had ruled an empire of bro culture, sea to shining sea: a skateboard tour, a basketball team that became some elaborate mean-spirited prank on an entire city, cake-flavored vodka and bedazzled clothes. Its capital was a stately pleasure dome in Las Vegas, reeking of energy drinks, top-shelf male grooming products and success. Luminaries like Guy Fieri and Lil Jon kissed the ring. The Maloofs were big. But when I asked what they were up to, it was because I really didn’t know. Two years can be a long time.

***

“Was every idea a success? No,” Joe admitted. “But is that business? Yes. You’ve gotta break a few eggs to make a Zing!  Speaking of which, we have an egg flavor Z coming soon...”

“Dude,” Gavin corrected him. “He means, ‘Do you have to break a few eggs to make a bottle of egg-flavored vodka? Yes.”

“My bad,” Joe grinned, tapping his chest. “It’s called Zegg, right now. I can have my girl send you a bottle.” I told him it would be unethical to accept such a gift.

Gavin leaned in close and glanced side-to-side. Up close he looked unwell, like a fleshy and distended turtle. The blood squeezed into his forehead like a bag of Franzia. “Okay, I’m going to keep this hush,” he said. “But you can use it. So you know how we have a serious background in development? Well this takes that experience and combines with our great passion for getting crazy. We thought, look, let’s stick to what we know. Like, both things we know. So we came up with the idea for the Party House!” Joe winked. Mouthed the words “party house.”

“In, like, real estate developments, we designate one house as the community Party House! That way, the people of the suburb can all get loose and conversational together. Plenty of Zing! Vodka flowing. All the flavors. Salt. Egg, coming soon. Nordic Rush. Strappleberry. And they’re partying with friends, not just like drinking in the backseat of their Hummers as they cry over a life wasted, unearned privilege squandered, years dedicated to spite and avarice and simple childish pettiness. Or whatever.”

I told him, after a heavy moment, that this sounded to me like a nightclub. “Well no,” Gavin said, suddenly a bit huffy. “Because the Party House is for the community only, and serves a menu of drinks catered to the community’s tastes.” I said I didn’t quite get it, and they looked almost crestfallen until I smiled and took a sip of the salty vodka tonic. “It’s good, right?” Joe said. He freshened his drink. I wanted to know about my community, Sacramento. Why had they been so insistent upon leaving the Capitol?

“More like the crapitol!” Joe yelled as he smacked five with his brother. “You see, it’s like this: we are purveyors of the bad boy lifestyle. We’re bad boys. We like to get bad and we like to do stuff. I’m not saying what this is, okay? We do stuff.”

“We do cocaine off of stuff,” Gavin said. “Mirrors or strippers or Ed Hardy belts or diamonds. That’s on the record, you can use that, I don’t care. We’re bold. That’s Maloof.”

“And there’s no place for the Maloof brand in Sacramento,” Joe continued. “It was bad for our brand, and also it is a shit city with mostly shit coke. And they have this mayor, dude thinks he can tell us what to do because, ‘Oh, well, I’m elected.’”

“Elected how?” Gavin interjected. “Where’s the proof? At least the voting process for, like, Penthouse Pet of the Year is clear and democratic.”

“So we left because that’s what we do: we’re a family of boldness,” Joe continued. Gavin wrote “Maloof” on a cloth napkin and held it up for me to read. “We don’t shy away from problems and let others deal with them. We simply refuse to see the problem. And, like, we did our best to deal with them. I told Kevin Johnson, we told Sacramento: you guys, we have money. We need more money. Like, how can you not get this, right? Sacramento became that problem that wouldn’t disappear.”

“There are types of herpes like that, by the way,” Gavin said. “Very exclusive. Most people don’t know about them.”

It became clear, in that moment, that both were toasted. Joe admitted to being “way hungover,” and Gavin corroborated. The egg vodka was revealed to be part of a hangover-cure line, “breakfast flavors, like mom used to make,” Gavin said, resting his head on the table. There would be no more answers to any questions about Sacramento.

But it went on, it just went on. The driver sauntered in, told them they were going to be late to see Junebug. Joe started smoking again, insisted to the driver that he was good to drive. The driver disagreed, but brought the Hummer around. Papa Roach was loud from the custom speakers, and Gavin awoke with a start. He looked me in the face, his eyes cloudy, and said “Bonzi?” And then his brother hustled him off, out, back into the desert.  


Share |

Comments

So lot to occur over your amazing blog. Your blog procures me a fantastic transaction of enjoyable.cccam server

it was a wonderful chance to visit this kind of site and I am happy to know. thank you so much for giving us a chance to have this opportunity turbocleanlv.com

T-Bone with the outside shaved off and curled as a garnish on top of the steak core, which he requested well done. cccam server

turned into an Alpha male or not gone bald and bookish without my glasses; my character was sort of in the mail anyway. hardware keylogger

It should be noted that whilst ordering papers for sale at paper writing service, you can get unkind attitude. In case you feel that the bureau is trying to cheat you. jaipur to delhi cab

Great tips and very easy to understand. This will definitely be very useful for me when I get a chance to start my blog. natural testosterone supplement

Took me time to understand all of the comments, but I seriously enjoyed the write-up. It proved being really helpful to me and Im positive to all of the commenters right here! Its constantly nice when you can not only be informed, but also entertained! I am certain you had enjoyable writing this write-up.SouthWest Auto Glass

Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon. eximdesigns.com

therefore, I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article. buy traffic

I really enjoyed reading this post, big fan. Keep up the good work and please tell me when can you publish more articles BI dashboards

I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon
tahta sabo terlik

During visits to the gynecologist examine you, answer any questions you may and will write a referral for research. spartagen xt price

Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon.The Home Wise Pros login

I feel really happy to have seen your webpage and look forward to so many more entertaining times reading here. Thanks once more for all the details.real estate search

Howdy, 1st I must declare the content articles in this web site are extremely interesting to explore about. hair loss solutions

We are really grateful for your blog post. You will find a lot of approaches after visiting your post. pnr status

I found Hubwit as a transparent s ite, a social hub which is a conglomerate of Buyers and Sellers who are ready to offer online digital consultancy at decent cost.Incredible Dream Machine System PDF

post and it is very useful and knowledgeable. therefore, I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article
binary matrix pro scam

I think this is an informative post and it is very useful and knowledgeable. therefore, I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article. how to buy instagram follower

Gavin called me ‘Hoss’ and nervously giggled as he lit a cigarette and led the three of us inside.cccam server

ogus blogs with no real message but the post was fantast
ic and well worth the read.Thank you for sharing this with me...
Mi tarot barato

Thanks for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I’ll just book mark this blog. Marketing1on1

Wow, great, I was wondering how to cure acne naturally. and found your site by Google, learned a lot, now i’m a bit clear. I’ve bookmark your site and also add rss. keep us updated.buying instagram packages

I told Kevin Johnson, we told Sacramento: you guys, we have money. We need more money. Like, how can you not get this buy traffic

I most likely appreciating each and every bit of it. It is an incredible site and decent impart. I need to much obliged. Great employment! You all do an incredible blog, and have some extraordinary substance. Keep doing awesome.incredible dream machines bonus

Gwen Knight, a graduating psychology major and 2012 valedictorian from Cedar City, said she was surprised and humbled when she learned she was chosen as valedictorian.how to get more views on soundcloud ! getfollowers

I really enjoy simply reading all of your weblogs. Simply wanted to inform you that you have people like me who appreciate your work. Definitely a great post. Hats off to you! The information that you have provided is very helpful. denver locksmith

Hello there, just became alert to your blog through Google, and found that it's truly informative. I’m going to watch out for brussels. I will be grateful if you continue this in future. A lot of people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers! fast likes on instagram

And, like, we did our best to deal with them. I told Kevin Johnson, we told Sacramento: you guys, we have money. We need more money. Like, how can you not get this, right? Sacramento became that problem that wouldn’t disappear.”website SEO

като здравни осигуровки, платени отпуски, платени официални неработни дни, платени ваканции instagram followers hack | instaliker

The worst part of it was that the software only worked intermittently and the data wasn’t accurate. הסעות בלונדון

We thought, look, let’s stick to what we know. Like, both things we know. So we came up with the idea for the Party House!” Joe winked. Mouthed the words “party house.
como hackear clash of clans . hungry shark evolution trucos

A company I actually caused appeared to be not skilled and can even slightly observe information. I actually have been executing this section and absolutely everyone else’. I actually are not aware how you would apply it! High PR Blog comments

Easily, the article is actually the best topic on this registry related issue. I fit in with your conclusions and will eagerly look forward to your next updates. Just saying thanks will not just be sufficient, for the fantasti c lucidity in your writing. I will instantly grab your rss feed to stay informed of any updates.
Accountants London

The worst part of it was that the software only worked intermittently and the data wasn’t accurate. You obviously can’t confront anyone about what you have discovered if the information isn’t right...buying instagram packages

Really impressed! Everything is very open and very clear clarification of issues. It contains truly facts. Your website is very valuable. Thanks for sharing. It's late finding this act. At least, it's a thing to be familiar with that there are such events exist. I agree with your Blog and I will be back to inspect it more in the future so please keep up your act.
Accountants Lingfield

The place else may just I get that kind of information written in such a perfect method? I have a venture that I am simply now running on,bike transport pune

I would like to read newer posts and to share my thoughts with you.chum in water

A good blog always comes-up with new and exciting information and while reading I have feel that this blog is really have all those quality that qualify a blog to be a one.I wanted to leave a little comment to support you and wish you a good continuation. Wishing you the best of luck for all your blogging efforts.buy real youtube views

One of the most prominent Canadians named was Saskatchewan lawyer Tony Merchant, a controversial figure who was a major player in the residential schools settlement.Read this page

Griffin & Highbury Inc. was formed to offer its clients access to some of the world’s most rare natural colored diamonds and precious gemstones.Read this page

Really nice and interesting post. I was looking for this kind of information and enjoyed reading this one. Keep posting. Thanks for sharing. visit this URL

That’s what prompted Booker’s tirade outside of the arena two weeks ago.dental implants leicester

A shape that is stuffed with vitamins as well as healthy food is much better prepared to take care of the difficulties life punches towards you...Hay Day Cheats

So lot to occur over your amazing blog. Your blog procures me a fantastic transaction of enjoyable.. Salubrious lot beside the scene.
Racing Rivals Hack

If you were to change the topic in the next articles, I am sure that excitement will be back.Magic of Making Up Book

8 ball pool Within this webpage, you'll see the page, you need to understand this data. coc hack

The growing outcry against the dangers of a solo six-day race prompted New York City and Chicago laws in 1899 forbidding cyclists from racing for more than 12 hours a day. buy instagram likes |instagram followers

Nice information, valuable and excellent design, as share good stuff with good ideas and concepts, lots of great information and inspiration, both of which I need, thanks to offer such a helpful information here.http://www.fantasyballblogger.com/

They explained in stereo that they were “knee-deep in some next-level real estate shit” here in SoCal. I said okay and suggested we get some food, I have a lot of questions. Gavin called me ‘Hoss’ and nervously giggled as he lit a cigarette and led the three of us inside.
Escorts lebanon