The Bob Costas Slopestyle Media Style Guide: Sochi Olympics Edition

For when you wanna keep it steezy
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Snowboarders spend very little time thinking about Bob Costas. But earlier this year, on the “Today” show, Costas opined that Slopestyle, the Winter Olympic’s newest event, was “just Jackass stuff they invented and called Olympic sports.”* This was interesting, insofar as Bobby C is the host of NBC’s Olympic broadcast, and it will thus fall on him to explain the ins and outs of Slopestyle to the great unwashed.

And so, as a public service, the first edition of the Bob Costas Slopestyle Media Style Guide was born.

This guide is intended as quick-check reference material for live television hosts, Internet commentators, parents desperately trying to understand their children, children trying to understand their parents, kooks of all ages, and energy drink marketing companies.

The Bob Costas Slopestyle Media Style Guide: Sochi Olympics Edition

Slopestyle and the English Language

  • Never use a figure of speech which makes you sound old.
  • Never use a long word. Ever.
  • If it is possible to cut out a word, remember your job is to be inclusive.
  • Never use the passive. This is an active event. Things happen.
  • Always use a Jargon word, even if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
  • Break any of these rules sooner rather than later.

Common Descriptive Vocabulary Reference List

Rad - Good

Killer - Good

Bomb - Good

Dope - Good

Awesome - Good

Sick - Good

Sweet - Good

Good - All right.

 

Kook - Inauthentic

Biter - Inauthentic

Gaper - Inauthentic

 

Nailed - To have landed with aplomb

Stomped - To have landed with panache

Killed - To have landed with gusto

Smooth - To make “it” look easy

Steezy - To make “it” look good

Sketchy - A lack of steez

Shady - The absence of smooth

Stoked - Visibly excited

Slayed - To have done well

Common Descriptive Techniques

Descriptors should rarely be doubled up, unless alliteration is the goal.

“That last run was smooth and steezy.” OK.

“That last run was rad and bomb.” Not OK.

Descriptions should feature one adjective for the style and another adjective for the maneuver.

A mellow 540 with a sketchy landing.

Going big with the Five, too bad about the shady landing.

An excess of synonymous definitions are provided so that the speaker or typist may freely move between phrases without repeating phrases ad nauseum.

Ex. Steezy

is smooth;

is nailing it;

is dropping a hammer;

Note: Each instance has slightly different, yet obvious, connotations

Improper phraseology is worse than saying nothing at all.

Would you look at that hard shredding going on right there. — Lame.

Wow, that was something. — Acceptable.

That was the steeziest run I've seen all day — Sounds informed.

He's going to have to go by SuperGnar McHammerdropper after that run! — Perfect.

Tricks are to be spoken of with no hesitation. Leave the pauses for those moments between features.

A smooth landing with an extra helping of steez there... and she slays the last feature with no hesitation.

All tricks, descriptions, locations, and athletes should be spoken of in the host's best verbal or written approximation of a Southern California Bro guzzling a Red Bull.

In the event that the host cannot summon up the appropriately chill vibes, brah, an imitation of an Okie pounding a Monster Energy Drink is an acceptable substitute.

Liberally sprinkle aural hangout zones throughout descriptions of athletes, locations, and tricks.

Yeah, like, that seven was just so steezy, man... it's gonna take me a second to really think about what, uh, a big impact Kelly Clark has had on, um, women's riding. You know?

Common Athlete Talking Points

For those moments when you see a name on the teleprompter and need to fill some air with fun facts.

Skiers, men

Nick Goepper, Hoosier. Born 1994. X-Games Silver medalist. Good for at least one “I thought Indiana was flat, how did he learn how to do that” joke.

Gus Kenworthy, Coloradan. Born 1991. Needs to step up his Wikipedia game

Bobby Brown, Coloradan. Also born 1991. Registered a perfect score at the X-Games once. Twenty-eight years younger than the other Bobby Brown.

Skiers, women

Devin Logan, Vermonter. Born 1993. X-Games Silver Medalist. Also needs to step up Wikipedia game.

Keri Herman, Minnesotan. Born 1983, or 1986, or 1982, depending on what search engine you use. May be over 30. Has an undergraduate degree, therefore is the wisest U.S. competitor.

Snowboarders, men

Shaun White, Californian. Born 1986. Is the best snowboarder of all time, forever, and is the measuring stick by which all snowboarders must be measured. Not performing in slopestyle, but should be mentioned more than any other performer. Chews his own brand of gum.

Sage Kotsenburg, Utahn. Born 1993. Has been snowboarding since he was five and winning contests since 2008. From an entire family of snowboarders. Is seven years younger than Shaun White. May only be discussed within the context of Shaun White.

Chas Guldemond, New Hampshireman. Born 1987. Used to hitchhike to the slopes and live off of PB&J. Is a year younger than Shaun White. May only be discussed within the context of Shaun White.

Snowboarders, women

Jamie Anderson, Californian. Born 1990. Self-described “activist and artist.” One of eight home-schooled children. Has a section of her website dedicated to “health and well-being.” Probable hippie.

Ty Walker, Vermonter. Born 1997. 16-year-old snowboarder—almost certainly destined to be a reprobate for the rest of her life. Has certainly made more money from snowboarding than you made doing whatever you were doing when you were sixteen.

Remember! Easy on the Steezy, Exclamation Points and Especially Hooptedoodle

  1. Always open a segment with the weather.
  2. Embrace prologues.
  3. Only use a verb found in the list above.
  4. Always use an adverb to modify your verb.
  5. Let the exclamation points run free — you're talking about X-treme Sportz, after all!!!!!!!!!!!
  6. Exclusively use regional dialect, or patois.
  7. Embrace detailed descriptions of characters.
  8. Go into great detail describing places and things.
  9. Try to pretend that the audience doesn't have you on mute.

*In fairness to Jackassers everywhere, every sport in the history of sports came into being with some jackass making things up and forcing other people to abide by what he or she would insist were “The Rules.”


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