The Angriest Todd in the World

On A Particular American Way of Failure
Share |

I fantasized about firing Todd Haley, even before the Chiefs got 2 close 2 my fantasy last week. I am not alone in this, although I don’t have the excuse of being a Kansas City Chiefs fan. I don’t think I saw more than three games worth of Haley’s coaching during his three seasons in charge at Arrowhead, but that didn’t prevent me from being captivated by what a tool he seemed to be. In fact, those brief glimpses of Haley cultivated a medium-strong contempt for Todd Haley, a rewarding, self-propelled, amusing kind of hate.

Part of my animosity can be written off as cultural bias: Todd Haley has the misfortune of looking like a huge asshole. Fleece vests, intermittent shitty beard, jocko-dickwad sunglasses, things dangling on a lanyard, golf visors (the worst), even right down to being named Todd—a first name that’s been repurposed as a common noun meaning “alpha douche.” I hate dudes like Todd Haley, and that reflects poorly on me. Such bigotry isn’t fair to the specific dude named Todd Haley, who is statistically speaking probably a loving father/husband/non-felon/proud alumnus of the University of North Florida.

But another part of it, a bigger part of it, is more rational: Todd Haley also has the misfortune of actinglike a huge asshole. While dressed in fleece vest, shitty beard, golf visors (the worst), right on down the line, which amplifies everything. His sideline demeanor as a coach was like a composite sketch of the worst possible Little League dad. If he wasn’t screaming at Matt Cassel, he was berating his coaching staff. If he wasn’t screaming at his players or coaches, he was screaming at the refs. Or scolding opposing coaches. Often times he screamed at multiple groups at once. Nearly every time I saw Todd Haley, he was screaming at someone (usually an employee) from like two feet away, in public, while wearing a NFL-licensed-apparel golf visor (cultural biases are really hard to kill entirely) (to be fair he’s not even wearing a golf visor in almost all of those videos).

So, to conclude, Todd Haley looks like a mean yuppie dad on a sherm high. Also, people who constantly scream negative things run the risk of alienating bystanders. But I actually have a point here, apart from Todd Haley’s incipient meme-dom, smothered in its crib so cruelly. A Chiefs fan with less prejudices than myself might have appreciated Haley for what he’d accomplished with Scott Pioli’s help, at least before 2011’s annus horribilis. Was Todd Haley a good coach? I have no idea. Do you know?

What is the point of firing someone less than a season after they led a team to a division title and a playoff appearance? It only speaks to Todd Haley’s bizarre reverse-charisma that we’re not even talking about Tony Sparano, who was basically a Dennis Farina impersonator who wore sunglasses at all times and got pretty brutally sold out by the Dolphins during Jim Harbaugh NFL’s debutante season, and like Haley, got s-canned last Monday (harder to say that Sparano didn’t get a fair hearing, but his wasn’t the fairest hearing ever).

Kelefa Sanneh’s recent (excellent) profile of Jon Gruden, coach in exile, is worth reading, mostly for Sanneh’s subtly touching portrait of the manic Gruden, who wakes up at 3:17 a.m. to memorize the packages and personnel of Haley’s Chiefs, about to be ritually executed by the Patriots on MNF.  But Sanneh also nails an idea about football and executive leadership:

To see football from a coach’s perspective is to see almost nothing but failure: a grim parade of misaligned bodies, incorrect decisions, missed signals, and bad ideas, occasionally interrupted by a heads-up play or a feat of physical genius. Football is entertainment, but the players dissected on Gruden’s screens seem less like performers in the spotlight than workers under surveillance.

On different surveillance screens, it's easy enough for fans to notice that a team sucks; it's much harder to parse out why Sam Bradford's 2011 is so much worse than his 2010, or to see the defensive adjustments that turned the wildcat offense from football liberation theology back into a risky gimmick (I'm still waiting for the A-11 to reach the NFL). It's a cliche to say "Football is complicated!"; though it sure is.

What's confusing is why some NFL franchises have started making like Robespierre with head coaches. Todd Haley went 19–26 in his 2.8 seasons in KC In comparison: David Shula went 19–53 in 4+ years before Mike Brown decided enough was enough. Football is not nuclear war, contra Don DeLillo, but fielding a winning team is complicated. You’d think that NFL franchise owners, who are all incomprehensibly rich, would understand what can happen when you constantly replace managers.

The NFL has yet to evolve quants, although I’m sure we can look forward to a trend piece on that topic in a few years. Football coaching, for all the Mikes Leach and Martz of the world, is mostly just about winning.  Green Bay’s Mike McCarthy has as much swag as a wet-dry vac, but he knows well enough to grab the back of Aaron Rodger’s belt and hold on. Kim Jong-Bill Belichick has subsumed himself Daniel Day-Lewis-style in the role of “hermit dictator,” but his act is just a fanciful elaboration on the gospel of macho bullshit, a faith in which football coaches are high priests.

American audiences—be they fans, stockholders, or moviegoers—have a soft sport for Mametian executive-kabuki bullshit. In the otherwise muddled Margin Call, Jeremy Irons is beyond great playing a sort of mashup of Dick Fuld and Hank Scorpio, a perfect evocation of the vapid, domineering XY leadership pap that football coaches excel at. Irons looks like a Midtown version of Todd Haley—fleece vest upgraded for $4,000 suit, golf visor swapped for Patrick Bates haircut. Haley had the macho bullshit part down; he just had bad luck with the football part.


Share |

Comments

I thought it was going to be some boring old post, but it really compensated for my time. I will post a link to this page on my blog. I am sure my visitors will locate that extremely useful...
alliance diamant

Your blog provided us with valuable information to work with. every tips of your post are awesome. Thanks a lot for sharing. Keep blogging...
romani in londra

A very awesome blog post. We are really grateful for your blog post. You will find a lot of approaches after visiting your post. I was exactly searching for. Thanks for such post and please keep it up. Great work. australian euro jackpot lottery option

I really enjoy simply reading all of your weblogs. Simply wanted to inform you that you have people like me who appreciate your work. Definitely a great post. Hats off to you! The information that you have provided is very helpful. free poker machines

I am happy to find this post very useful for me, as it contains lot of information. I always prefer to read the quality content and this thing I found in you post. Thanks for sharing. estudio gokiburi

I really enjoy simply reading all of your weblogs. Simply wanted to inform you that you have people like me who appreciate your work. Definitely a great post. Hats off to you! The information that you have provided is very helpful. modniy-magazin.ru

I love the humor your post has offered. I enjoyed this site a lot. Keep posting article like this. It is fun. Nice photography too! VirtNext

homestay ooty I am always searching online for articles that can help me. There is obviously a lot to know about this. I think you made some good points in Features also. Keep working, great job! cheap domains

renta de sonido en mexico Excellent Blog! I would like to thank for the efforts you have made in writing this post. traslochi milano I am hoping the same best work from you in the future as well. I wanted to thank you for this websites! Thanks for sharing. Great websites! board game reviews

I am happy to find this post very useful for me, as it contains lot of information. I always prefer to read the quality content and this thing I found in you post. Thanks for sharing.
Jurong MCL Condo

A good blog always comes-up with new and exciting information and while reading I have feel that this blog is really have all those quality that qualify a blog to be a one. kings game

First You got a great blog .I will be interested in more similar topics. i see you got really very useful topics. clash of kings

physical therapy Easily, the article is actually the best topic on this registry related issue. I fit in with your conclusions and will eagerly look forward to your next updates. New Mobile Casino

Plastic suppliers south africa wow, great, I was wondering how to cure acne naturally. and found your site by google, learned a lot, nodeposit casino now i’m a bit clear. I’ve bookmark your site and also add rss. keep us updated. Men's & Women's Sexual Health

agence web marseille Your knowledge of this subject comes through clearly in this article. I love to read this kind of articles, I hope you will update it. Thank you for sharing it with me. v-pills

Truly, this article is really one of the very best in the history of articles. I am a antique ’Article’ collector and I sometimes read some new articles if I find them interesting. And I found this one pretty fascinating and it should go into my collection. Very good work!
best gaming monitor under 200 reviews

Hi I found your site by mistake when i was searching yahoo for this acne issue, I must say your site is really helpful I also love the design, its amazing!. I don’t have the time at the moment to fully read your site but I have bookmarked it and also add your RSS feeds. I will be back in a day or two. thanks for a great site.
Website Design Saudi Arabia

Italian marble supplier I really enjoy simply reading all of your weblogs. Simply wanted to inform you that you have people like me who appreciate your work. Definitely a great post. Hats off to you! The information that you have provided is very helpful. voucher

I am happy to find this post very useful for me, as it contains lot of information. I always prefer to read the quality content and this thing I found in you post. Thanks for sharing. imageRUNNER ADVANCE C7260i Driver Download

wow, great, I was wondering how to cure acne naturally. and found your site by google, learned a lot, now i’m a bit clear. I’ve bookmark your site and also add rss. keep us updated.
google image search mobile

A very awesome blog post. We are really grateful for your blog post. You will find a lot of approaches after visiting your post. I was exactly searching for. Thanks for such post and please keep it up. Great work.
laga iphone 5s skärm

Truly, this article is really one of the very best in the history of articles. I am a antique ’Article’ collector and I sometimes read some new articles if I find them interesting. And I found this one pretty fascinating and it should go into my collection. Very good work!
oral jelly

A good blog always comes-up with new and exciting information and while reading I have feel that this blog is really have all those quality that qualify a blog to be a one.I wanted to leave a little comment to support you and wish you a good continuation. Wishing you the best of luck for all your blogging efforts.
HIGHLIGHTS MATCH

Awesome blog. I enjoyed reading your articles. This is truly a great read for me. I have bookmarked it and I am looking forward to reading new articles. Keep up the good work!
mini creditos rapidos online

I want you to thank for your time of this wonderful read!!! I definately enjoy every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff of your blog a must read blog!!!!
creditos rapidos

I found your this post while searching for some related information on blog search...Its a good post..keep posting and update the information.
Wireless PIR Sensor

I discovered your site ideal for me. It consists of wonderful and useful posts. I've read many of them and also got so much from them. In my experience, you do the truly amazing.Trulyi'm impressed out of this publish.
Cable Cleats

wow, great, I was wondering how to cure acne naturally. and found your site by google, learned a lot, now i’m a bit clear. I’ve bookmark your site and also add rss. keep us updated. Bordados Computarizados

I haven’t any word to appreciate this post…..Really i am impressed from this post….the person who create this post it was a great human..thanks for shared this with us.
gluten free

Lots of thanks for this post.I think it is a very good post. It helps us many away. So many many thanks for this article.
Alphabet

I enjoyed reading your post and found it to be informative and to the topic. Thank you for not rambling on and on just to fill the page. Thanks..
NJ accident lawyer

I definitely enjoying every little bit of it. It is a great website and nice share. I want to thank you. Good job! You guys do a great blog, and have some great contents. Keep up the good work.
glucosamine liquid

I want you to thank for your time of this wonderful read!!! I definately enjoy every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff of your blog a must read blog!!!!
Happy New Year 2016 images

Seo Houston Nice information, valuable and excellent design, as share good stuff with good ideas and concepts, Seo Houston lots of great information and inspiration, both of which I need, thanks to offer such a helpful information here. Seo Houston

matelas futon montreal | vente siège de toilette surélevé Laval Awesome blog. I enjoyed reading your articles. This is truly a great read for me. I have bookmarked it and I am looking forward to reading new articles. Keep up the good work! terrains a vendre st sauveur | condotel laurentides

After reading your article I was amazed. I know that you explain it very well. And I hope that other readers will also experience how I feel after reading your article. I feel very grateful that I read this. It is very helpful and very informative and I really learned a lot from it.
turnbeutel mit spruch

Your knowledge of this subject comes through clearly in this article. I love to read this kind of articles, I hope you will update it. Thank you for sharing it with me.
USAVPN

wow, great, I was wondering how to cure acne naturally. and found your site by google, learned a lot, now i’m a bit clear. I’ve bookmark your site and also add rss. keep us updated.
Vidusa

I am also having a hard time getting my readers to leave comments. Analytics shows they are coming to the site but I have a feeling “nobody I am also having a hard time getting my readers to leave comments. Analytics shows they are coming to the site but I have a feeling “nobody wants to be first”
national debt relief

I found your this post while searching for some related information on blog search...Its a good post..keep posting and update the information.
best tens unit for home use

A good blog always comes-up with new and exciting information and while reading I have feel that this blog is really have all those quality that qualify a blog to be a one.
Advantages of Using Essential Oil Diffusers

I definitely really liked every part of it and i also have you saved to fav to look at new information in your site.
best aromatherapy diffuser for large rooms

Took me time to understand all of the comments, but I seriously enjoyed the write-up. It proved being really helpful to me and Im positive to all of the commenters right here!
best way to diffuse essential oils

Easily, the article is actually the best topic on this registry related issue. I fit in with your conclusions and will eagerly look forward to your next updates.
Getting better sleep with the help of essential oils

First You got a great blog .I will be interested in more similar topics. i see you got really very useful topics.
The best Humidifier

Leather Jacket Son of Anarchy It's a great pleasure reading your post.It's full of information I am looking for and I love to post a comment that "The content of your post is awesome" Great work! bague diamant

Wonderful article, thanks for putting this together! This is obviously one great post. Thanks for the valuable information and insights you have so provided here.
Spritzguss

Nice information, valuable and excellent design, as share good stuff with good ideas and concepts, lots of great information and inspiration, both of which I need, thanks to offer such a helpful information here.
Addium scam

Nice information, valuable and excellent design, as share good stuff with good ideas and concepts, lots of great information and inspiration, both of which I need, thanks to offer such a helpful information here.
Addium scam

A good blog always comes-up with new and exciting information and while reading I have feel that this blog is really have all those quality that qualify a blog to be a one. christmas gifts