The Angriest Todd in the World

On A Particular American Way of Failure
Share |

I fantasized about firing Todd Haley, even before the Chiefs got 2 close 2 my fantasy last week. I am not alone in this, although I don’t have the excuse of being a Kansas City Chiefs fan. I don’t think I saw more than three games worth of Haley’s coaching during his three seasons in charge at Arrowhead, but that didn’t prevent me from being captivated by what a tool he seemed to be. In fact, those brief glimpses of Haley cultivated a medium-strong contempt for Todd Haley, a rewarding, self-propelled, amusing kind of hate.

Part of my animosity can be written off as cultural bias: Todd Haley has the misfortune of looking like a huge asshole. Fleece vests, intermittent shitty beard, jocko-dickwad sunglasses, things dangling on a lanyard, golf visors (the worst), even right down to being named Todd—a first name that’s been repurposed as a common noun meaning “alpha douche.” I hate dudes like Todd Haley, and that reflects poorly on me. Such bigotry isn’t fair to the specific dude named Todd Haley, who is statistically speaking probably a loving father/husband/non-felon/proud alumnus of the University of North Florida.

But another part of it, a bigger part of it, is more rational: Todd Haley also has the misfortune of actinglike a huge asshole. While dressed in fleece vest, shitty beard, golf visors (the worst), right on down the line, which amplifies everything. His sideline demeanor as a coach was like a composite sketch of the worst possible Little League dad. If he wasn’t screaming at Matt Cassel, he was berating his coaching staff. If he wasn’t screaming at his players or coaches, he was screaming at the refs. Or scolding opposing coaches. Often times he screamed at multiple groups at once. Nearly every time I saw Todd Haley, he was screaming at someone (usually an employee) from like two feet away, in public, while wearing a NFL-licensed-apparel golf visor (cultural biases are really hard to kill entirely) (to be fair he’s not even wearing a golf visor in almost all of those videos).

So, to conclude, Todd Haley looks like a mean yuppie dad on a sherm high. Also, people who constantly scream negative things run the risk of alienating bystanders. But I actually have a point here, apart from Todd Haley’s incipient meme-dom, smothered in its crib so cruelly. A Chiefs fan with less prejudices than myself might have appreciated Haley for what he’d accomplished with Scott Pioli’s help, at least before 2011’s annus horribilis. Was Todd Haley a good coach? I have no idea. Do you know?

What is the point of firing someone less than a season after they led a team to a division title and a playoff appearance? It only speaks to Todd Haley’s bizarre reverse-charisma that we’re not even talking about Tony Sparano, who was basically a Dennis Farina impersonator who wore sunglasses at all times and got pretty brutally sold out by the Dolphins during Jim Harbaugh NFL’s debutante season, and like Haley, got s-canned last Monday (harder to say that Sparano didn’t get a fair hearing, but his wasn’t the fairest hearing ever).

Kelefa Sanneh’s recent (excellent) profile of Jon Gruden, coach in exile, is worth reading, mostly for Sanneh’s subtly touching portrait of the manic Gruden, who wakes up at 3:17 a.m. to memorize the packages and personnel of Haley’s Chiefs, about to be ritually executed by the Patriots on MNF.  But Sanneh also nails an idea about football and executive leadership:

To see football from a coach’s perspective is to see almost nothing but failure: a grim parade of misaligned bodies, incorrect decisions, missed signals, and bad ideas, occasionally interrupted by a heads-up play or a feat of physical genius. Football is entertainment, but the players dissected on Gruden’s screens seem less like performers in the spotlight than workers under surveillance.

On different surveillance screens, it's easy enough for fans to notice that a team sucks; it's much harder to parse out why Sam Bradford's 2011 is so much worse than his 2010, or to see the defensive adjustments that turned the wildcat offense from football liberation theology back into a risky gimmick (I'm still waiting for the A-11 to reach the NFL). It's a cliche to say "Football is complicated!"; though it sure is.

What's confusing is why some NFL franchises have started making like Robespierre with head coaches. Todd Haley went 19–26 in his 2.8 seasons in KC In comparison: David Shula went 19–53 in 4+ years before Mike Brown decided enough was enough. Football is not nuclear war, contra Don DeLillo, but fielding a winning team is complicated. You’d think that NFL franchise owners, who are all incomprehensibly rich, would understand what can happen when you constantly replace managers.

The NFL has yet to evolve quants, although I’m sure we can look forward to a trend piece on that topic in a few years. Football coaching, for all the Mikes Leach and Martz of the world, is mostly just about winning.  Green Bay’s Mike McCarthy has as much swag as a wet-dry vac, but he knows well enough to grab the back of Aaron Rodger’s belt and hold on. Kim Jong-Bill Belichick has subsumed himself Daniel Day-Lewis-style in the role of “hermit dictator,” but his act is just a fanciful elaboration on the gospel of macho bullshit, a faith in which football coaches are high priests.

American audiences—be they fans, stockholders, or moviegoers—have a soft sport for Mametian executive-kabuki bullshit. In the otherwise muddled Margin Call, Jeremy Irons is beyond great playing a sort of mashup of Dick Fuld and Hank Scorpio, a perfect evocation of the vapid, domineering XY leadership pap that football coaches excel at. Irons looks like a Midtown version of Todd Haley—fleece vest upgraded for $4,000 suit, golf visor swapped for Patrick Bates haircut. Haley had the macho bullshit part down; he just had bad luck with the football part.


Share |

Comments

Thanks for taking the time to discuss this. I feel strongly that love and read more on this topic. If possible. such as gain knowledge
M8BET

Thanks for taking the time to discuss this. I feel strongly that love and read more on this topic. If possible. such as gain knowledge
M8BET

I truly enjoyed reading your post. we will bookmark your blog for future refernece. I want to encourage one to continue your Great post
accusharp 060 gardensharp tool sharpener

I truly enjoyed reading your post. we will bookmark your blog for future refernece. I want to encourage one to continue your Great post
Maxbet

I truly enjoyed reading your post. we will bookmark your blog for future refernece. I want to encourage one to continue your Great post
Maxbet

It should be noted that whilst ordering papers for sale at paper writing service, you can get unkind attitude. In case you feel that the bureau is trying to cheat you, don't buy term paper from it.
Jacksonville Elite Movers

I recently came across your article and have been reading along. I want to express my admiration of your writing skill and ability to make readers read from the beginning to the end. I would like to read newer posts and to share my thoughts with you.
Jacksonville Elite Movers

I truly enjoyed reading your post. we will bookmark your blog for future refernece. I want to encourage one to continue your Great post
Wrestlemania 32 Live Stream free Wrestlemania 32

Quality articles is the important to attract the people to pay a visit the website, that�s what this web site is providing.
Creditos Online

I want you to thank for your time of this wonderful read!!! I definately enjoy every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff of your blog a must read blog!!!!
creditos rapidos

You're in point of fact a just right webmaster. The website loading speed is amazing. It kind of feels that you're doing any distinctive trick. Moreover, The contents are masterpiece. you have done a fantastic activity on this subject! –
Karneval i Aalborg

Really, there may be more jobs but living in the city is crushing. I would rather work at walmart in the boonies than this city life.
animaux perdus

Really, there may be more jobs but living in the city is crushing. I would rather work at walmart in the boonies than this city life.
gambar kucing lucu

Really, there may be more jobs but living in the city is crushing. I would rather work at walmart in the boonies than this city life.
DDoS Protected Servers

I’m assured they're going to be benefited from this web site.
palmer pwt 08

That can feel great to learn these kinds of useful and also special posts on your own sites
casse chitarra

It is great to have the opportunity to read a good quality article with useful information on topics that plenty are interested one.I concur with your conclusions and will eagerly look forward to your future updates.
Employer health insurance

It is great to have the opportunity to read a good quality article with useful information on topics that plenty are interested one.I concur with your conclusions and will eagerly look forward to your future updates.
Employer health insurance

This is my first time i visit here. I found so many entertaining stuff in your blog, especially its discussion.
drpedroza

I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts
magento 2 product grid

I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts
magento 2 product grid

Principle grouping of members and onlookers is getting a charge out of energizing minutes.
Emergency Locksmith Colchester

I truly enjoyed reading your post. we will bookmark your blog for future refernece. I want to encourage one to continue your Great post
Natural Bodybuilding

I truly enjoyed reading your post. we will bookmark your blog for future refernece. I want to encourage one to continue your Great post
Mens Fitness wear

I truly enjoyed reading your post. we will bookmark your blog for future refernece. I want to encourage one to continue your Great post
toskana

I found this much informative. I’m impressed by the details that you have on this web site. Thank you for this post.
NISSAN X-TRAIL Mobil SUV Tangguh dan Sporty Terbaik

I truly enjoyed reading your post. we will bookmark your blog for future refernece. I want to encourage one to continue your Great post
unique kitchen gadgets/a>

I truly enjoyed reading your post. we will bookmark your blog for future refernece. I want to encourage one to continue your Great post
tuscany

Principle grouping of members and onlookers is getting a charge out of energizing minutes.
diventare Coach

Principle grouping of members and onlookers is getting a charge out of energizing minutes.
formazione aziendale

Principle grouping of members and onlookers is getting a charge out of energizing minutes.
consulente d'immagine

Principle grouping of members and onlookers is getting a charge out of energizing minutes.
consulente d'immagine

Principle grouping of members and onlookers is getting a charge out of energizing minutes.
consulente di immagine roma

Awesome blog. I enjoyed reading your articles. This is truly a great read for me. I have bookmarked it and I am looking forward to reading new articles. Keep up the good work!
Gclub88

Really good read for me, Must admit that you are one of the best bloggers I ever saw.Thanks for posting this informative article
Gclub88

Thank you for your post, I look for such article along time, today i find it finally. this post give me lots of advise it is very useful for me.
Getplay videos

Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon..
siti web pisa

I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts.
บาคาร่ารอยัล1688

I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts.
alat peraga paud

. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts.
alat peraga pendidikan

I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts.

National Alliance to End Homelessness

Thanks for the amazing content on your blog I am very interested in this article and you have really helped me.

Steps for Using Medications Safely

Any suggestions on what companies to look at. mind you I have a family to support not just myself.
cherry bread box

Any suggestions on what companies to look at. mind you I have a family to support not just myself.
cherry bread box

Any suggestions on what companies to look at. mind you I have a family to support not just myself.
versilia

Any suggestions on what companies to look at. mind you I have a family to support not just myself.
discoteche versilia

First You got a great blog .I will be interested in more similar topics. i see you got really very useful topics i will be always checking your blog thanks..
fodbold efterskole

I am always searching online for articles that can help me. There is obviously a lot to know about this. I think you made some good points in Features also. Keep working, great job.
capannina

I want you to thank for your time of this wonderful read!!! I definately enjoy every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff of your blog a must read blog!!!!
shoe size chart

Nice information, valuable and excellent design, as share good stuff with good ideas and concepts, lots of great information and inspiration, both of which I need, thanks to offer such a helpful information here.
berita dan jadwal moto gp terbaru trans7 2016