Sports from the Future, Part One

The NBA and the Singularity: An Oral History
Share |


For the longest time, the NBA was a sport where great players were judged on athletic achievement, mostly exempt from the influence of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs that ultimately ended the dominance of baseball as America’s national pastime (replaced by Human Checkers, 2017-present). But while the league managed to survive a variety of scandals (2004’s “Malice at the Palace”, 2013’s “Beantown Race War”) things truly reached a crossroads in 2015 when Lakers guard Kobe Bryant underwent a controversial procedure to help recover from a rotator cuff tear that was commonly assumed to be a career-ender.

Kobe Bryant: After I went down [with my injury] I thought that was it. I thought my career was over. Absolutely, without a doubt. But I talked to A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez, former baseball star and disgraced governor of New York, whereabouts currently unknown) about an operation he got in Germany to deal with a knee injury. He said it made him feel like he was a 27 year old again afterwards. So I looked into it and it seemed safe, so I went ahead with the procedure.

The procedure, then known as Humeral Pulsor Repair, involved the insertion of a microchip into the tendon. The chip would evaluate the rate of healing and make diagnostic adjustments inside the tendon. While many were initially skeptical of both the procedure and its inventor Dr. Heinrick Schnick, Bryant’s output through the 2015 season (27.8 ppg, Finals MVP) convinced a lot of players to join the “sports robotics” movement.

Amar’e Stoudemire: I thought it was great, man. I got two new knees. I stopped playing like Luc Longley. It was awesome. Dr. Schnick even replaced the finger I messed up punching out that fire extinguisher (in the 2012 playoffs). And the elbow I messed up punching out that refrigerator (in the 2013 playoffs). And the foot I messed up kicking that Blu-Ray player that wouldn’t stop skipping (in the 2014 playoffs).

Within three years players were undergoing procedures that repaired major injuries within a matter of weeks, from Derek Rose’s ACL to Chris Bosh’s robotic abdomen. The surgeries were far from perfect – few can forget the sight of Greg Oden’s knee short circuiting during his first game back in the NBA – but this was clearly the future of medicine. But the technology was not without its critics, the strongest of which was David Stern (NBA Commissioner 1984-2019, current human relations ambassador for the Bug Empire.)

David Stern: First, please allow me this moment to honor our insect overlords. All hail the mighty Chichkniknichik and his wisdom. We bow to your mighty mesothorax. (begins speaking in bug language, indecipherable) Oh, sorry. Where were we? That’s right, the robotics. I thought it could be beneficial at first, but things got out of hand. Was it necessary to JaVale McGee to add a sixth finger to his left hand? Or for JR Smith to put an “electric tattoo” on his forearm? I really don’t think it was.

J.R. Smith: I’ll tell you one thing, everbody loved that electric tattoo. I could change it to whatever I wanted. Maybe turning it into an ad for the Norelco Sensi-Touch 6 was too far, I don’t know. All I know is everybody had one after I did, until the bugs took them away.

Shaquille O'Neal (former NBA player, 1992-2011, former NBA announcer, 2012-13, currently mayor of Mars): Man, that time was out of control. Ya heard? (beat) Ya heard? (beat) Ya heard? (beat) It was nuts, like my movie STEEL brought to life. STEEL. STEEEEEEEEEEEL. (beat) And it only got weirder when MJ came back.

Chris Paul (former NBA player, 2005-2018): That was nuts. I never thought I’d play against Michael Jordan. I’m still not sure I did play against him.

Frustrated by the failure of his Charlotte Bobcats – losers of 165 games straight throughout the 2015-17 seasons – Jordan underwent two months of treatment in Prague in an attempt to return to the league at the start of the 2017-18 season. But at the age of 54, he seemed to require more enhancements than anybody had previously undertaken.

Russell Westbrook (former NBA player 2008-2020): The guy was a robot! He had two robot arms and a robot leg! He even had a weird glowing eye with a laser in it! It was just weird!

Steve Novak (former NBA player and Jordan teammate, 2017-18 season): It was exciting playing with MJ. I mean, he’s a legend. But it was – different than I thought it would be. Sometimes he would just sit in the locker room and you weren’t sure if he was asleep or thinking or what. And he talked strange. Really slow, like that computer from War Games.

Michael Jordan: I had—fun—coming back to the National Basketball Association. It was—great—to— compete against the players again. Leading the Bobcats to the championship was—great. I felt like a kid again. Again. Again. Again. (beat) I had—fun.

Carmelo Anthony (former NBA player, 2003-2019): He shocked me when I tried to post him up. It was like getting tasered.

Rajon Rondo (former NBA player, 2006-2020): I saw his arm extend on a break like Inspector Gadget. He dunked it without leaving the ground. And it only got weirder from there. Remember Mecha Gasol?

Pau and Marc Gasol, two brothers in the NBA at the end of their respective careers, decided to have their bodies fused into one player at the onset of the 2019 season, playing under the name Mecha Gasol. They led the league in rebounds for three seasons, mainly due to their having four arms.

MECHA GASOL: It was a blast teaming up with my brother. Yes, it was, I had a great time teaming up with you too. But it would be nice to maybe separate now because it’s a little pointless now. I wish we could find the doctor who did this to us. Yeah. It makes me wish we were both dead. Or at least one of us.


From that point on the modifications that players received got out of hand. From Tyler Hansbrough’s “Hand of Doom” to Omri Casspi’s cyborg doppelganger CASSPI-2, the NBA was overrun by virtually everything the sports robotics field could conjure up. Some players resisted the temptation and even took measures to best their technologically-enhanced competition.

Dwyane Wade: I would just throw a big magnet out on the court and watch them all get pulled towards it. It was funny. But people didn’t want to see the games anymore— it was boring. Guys were running spreadsheets to mathematically figure out who’d win games.

Between the lack of excitement and the public’s fascination with human checkers, the NBA’s popularity was at an all-time low. The final straw came on October 19th 2023. Prior to a pre-season contest, Metta World Peace – out of the league for five years at this point – returned to the game with his “new robot physique”, which really consisted of fireworks and a nail gun taped to his arms and chest. The Doodle Jump Arena burnt to the ground, causing the public to abandon the sport for good.

Metta World Peace: I honestly wasn’t trying to burn down the building. I was trying to set it on fire. There’s a big difference. Right? You know what I’m talking about? Hygiea Asteroids represent!


Michael Jordan: The games—were all I had. Now I have nothing. What is this—water—leaking from my eyes? So many moments, now it is all—gone. Slowing—down. Down. Dooooooooooooooooown

All archival art pulled by J.O. Applegate 

Share |


Extraordinary article Lot's of data to Read...Great Man Keep Posting and redesign to People..Thanks fat diminisher

You have a decent point here!I thoroughly concur with what you have said!!Thanks for sharing your views...hope more individuals will read this article!!! limitless pill geniux

I experience considerable difficulties my considerations on substance, however I truly felt I ought to here. Your article is truly awesome. I like the way you composed this data. inbox blueprint review

I wish more writers of this sort of substance would take the time you did to look into and compose so well. I am extremely inspired with your vision and knowledge. private detective in atlanta ga

I appreciate what you have done here. I like the part where you say you are doing this to give back yet I would expect by every one of the remarks this is working for you too. Inbox Blueprint 2.0 Review

Pleasant online journal and totally exceptional. You can improve yet despite everything I say this perfect.Keep striving generally advantageous. girlsdoporn

You're the best to share us about this redesign. Trust you won't get tired on making posts as useful as this. fahrrad navi

Nice blog and absolutely outstanding. You can do something much better but i still say this perfect.Keep trying for the best. our website

These are the great blogs; I assure you that I really enjoyed a lot in reading.dwi nj first offense

Fantastic blog you have here. You’ll discover me looking at your stuff often. Saved! learn build earn review

This is the sort of data I've long been attempting to discover. Much obliged to you for composing this data.

I really like this great job folks. houses for sale jacksonville fl

Incredible Information sharing .. I am exceptionally glad to peruse this article .. a debt of gratitude is in order for giving us experience info.Fantastic pleasant. I welcome this post. octosuite

I have been looking at a couple of your stories and i can state really well done. I will bookmark your online journal elite money machines review

i was simply perusing along and happened upon your web journal. simply needed to say great online journal and this article truly helped me. review viddyoze 2.0

Much thanks to you for peopling get the data they require. Extraordinary stuff of course. Keep up the colossal work!!! dna wealth blueprint 3.0 review

I havent any word to appreciate this post.....Really i am impressed from this post....the person who create this post it was a great human..thanks for shared this with us. Inbox blueprint 2.0 review

I needed to thank you for this incredible read!! I unquestionably adored each and every piece of it. I have you bookmarked your site to look at the new stuff you post. Greenville SEO Expert

Much obliged for your understanding for your phenomenal posting. I'm happy I have set aside an ideal opportunity to see this. venus factor

I think this is a better than average article. You make this data intriguing and locks in. You give perusers a considerable measure to consider and I welcome that sort of composing. go to this URL

Pleasant to be going to your site once more, it has been months for me. Well this article i've been sat tight for so long. I require this article to finish my task in the school, and it has same point with your article. Much obliged, extraordinary offer. affilorama

The stuff you are writing blows out my mind. best dui lawyers

These are some incredible instruments that i certainly use for SEO work. This is an incredible rundown to use later on.. skin pro

I as of late ran over your website and have been perusing along. I thought I would leave my first remark. I don't realize what to say with the exception of that I have delighted in perusing. Decent blog. I will continue going to this web journal regularly. Vinci3D Demo

hello was simply checking whether you minded a remark. i like your site and the thme you picked is super. I will be back. christian rehab

work hard and waste time in installing such software. Lastly, it has great customer support. You can contact them via telephone, Email or Live chat. They will always be there to help you SAME DAY FLOWER DELIVERY UK

The creek flows generally south-southwest through a narrow coastal watershed at the southern extreme end of the arid Los Angeles Basin in a fairly straight course discount codes

i appreciate your efforts taken for the same. I found this worth sharing and must share this with all..Pls visit us:essay blog

We believe that every fine rug tells a story and manifests a tradition; it is an investment for generations to come and selecting one should be a tailored fulfilling experience.belly workout

I really like the dear information you offer in your articles. I’m able to bookmark your site and show the kids check out up here generally.employment

I got a great deal of learning subsequent to perusing good fortunes. Topic of web journal is incredible there is very nearly everything to peruse, Brilliant post.Loft conversions twickenham

might be more common than you realise in children of this age. We take a look at what the physical and emotional causes might be, and offer some practical tips to help you stay calm and deal with the situation. roofing richmond

Our family works closely with our clients and suppliers to ensure that every selection leads to satisfaction for decades.Silver Buyer

Do you ever thinking about playing Clash Royale with a Free Gems, Gold, and even Trophy? absolutely by using this Clash Royale Cheats Hack Tool and you can exactly get all of those materials with less effort, which mean you only need to activate or playing the game with this cheats, then enjoy your game, there's no need to purchase any gems or gold in Game, because you got all what you need as you already have all of them just by using this Clash Royale cheats.

ritten in very a good manner and it entails many useful information for me. I am happy to find your distinguished way of loft conversions teddington

There is urgent need for the good people of this country to emerge from the shadows of indifference, apathy, cynicism, fear, and those other dark places that we migrate to when we are overwhelmed by frustration and the loss of hope. pheromone reviews

opting to plunge into marriage through a fine mist of bubbles blown by family and friends. Bubbles are not only environmentally friendly, but they have a nostalgic appeal … who didn’t love blowing bubbles as a child?loft conversions london

Comment: (you mI feel strongly that love and read more on this topic. If possible, such as gain knowledge, would you mind updating your blog with additional information? It is very useful for meay use HTML tags for style)Ashy Bines Raw

No puedes leer tus correos y tampoco puedes enviar nuevos mails. Que no cunda el pánico, puedes recuperar tu 'password'.dog man storage locker

white flour, high-fructose corn syrup, no GMOs, trans fats and additives to not only promote better health but also sustainable farming. menstrual cup canada

opting to plunge into marriage through a fine mist of bubbles blown by family and friends. Bubbles are not only environmentally friendly, but they have a nostalgic appeal … who didn’t love blowing bubbles as a child?Sameday dry cleaning london

ike threads, however it's really important you just read, proceed get here by Enterprise Mobile App Developmen
Pumbing services london

Ajax, Pickering, Aurora, Barrie, Georgina and Oshawa approximately within 75 kilometres from our main office. Trustee of Maori Land Trusts Roger Pikia

mluví se o nich právě jen jako o pokleslých, od pravdy vzdálených kopiích kopií, stínech stínů, jež umožňují nejsoucímu svádět k sobě pozornost, jež má cele náležet jen vpravdě jsoucímu, odvracet lidi od pravého poznání a svádět je k sebeuspokojení, jež plyne z falešného mínění.Loft conversions ealing

There is such a great amount in this article I would never have considered all alone. Your substance gives perusers things to consider in a fascinating way. Much obliged to you for your reasonable data. Eben Pagan

Much obliged to you for setting aside an ideal opportunity to distribute this data exceptionally helpful! fat diminisher system

some url that we can define on the page. The basic idea is then to make an individual tracking url for each step in the checkout process and track these virtual urls in ouemergency plumber

DelCam, EdgeCam, Inventor, ME30, Mechanical Desktop, Microstation, Pro/E, Solid Edge, SolidWorks, Surfcam, Tebis, Unigraphics a mnoho dalších. breast surgeon

doable for all that we will a minimum of strive our greatest. give thanks for sharing from Oyster Bay Locksmith Company.cost to redo driveway

London and the Berlin Love Parade) with an eye that takes the lesson of Diane Arbus but becomes independent in subjects and language.
Hair Salon Old Montreal