Modest Proposal: The Knicks Should Hire A Eunuch As Their Next Head Coach

There is only group of people who have consistently shown the steadfastness required to teach The Triangle AND who won't embarrass the organization with sex stuff.
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Monday was just another day in the never-ending kink festival that is MSG. February has been the month of sexual peccadilloes from New York Knicks coaches coming to light—first there were the rumors of flagrant and insatiable thirst which followed Derek Fisher's departure, then interim coach Kurt Rambis upped the ante by liking a graphic photo on Twitter. Do you realize this February has an extra day in it? I shudder to think of Jim Cleamons getting caught “worshipping Mother Gaia” at an orgy commemorating Leap Year Day.

The New York tabloids, as you might imagine, are enjoying all this very much:

"Sordid scandal" indeed! This is a needless distraction for the franchise; it takes away from the much more useful distraction of calling up popular college star Jimmer Fredette to give the fans something to cheer for in the midst of this streak of noncompetitive, unwatchable basketball. This cannot stand! A coach can stunt his young players' development and run Carmelo Anthony into the ground—indeed, a Knicks coach must. But please: keep it PG.

Phil Jackson is clearly looking for three things in a head coach at this point: total obedience to the Triangle, a willingness to carry out orders and a lack of interest in "sex" stuff. In many cultures throughout history, there have been a caste of subordinates who fit all three of those criteria, and the Knicks must not curtail their coaching search simply because this community have not been around for a few centuries. Quite the contrary: Phil Jackson needs to hire a eunuch to be his next head coach.

Eunuchs have served powerful men since the dawn of recorded history—the were trusted advisers, regents ruling in the stead of child princes, military leaders, explorers harem guardians. Some of the most accomplished men in Chinese history, from the Han Dynasty chronicler Sima Qian to the Ming Dynasty navigator Zheng He, were eunuchs. Surely the Zen Master encountered tales of loyal eunuchs during his lifetime of research.

Consider for a moment the story of Zheng He, a brilliant adventurer who built an entire fleet of ships for the Yongle Emperor and sailed the vast expanse of the Indian Ocean. When the emperor died, his son immediately banned overseas exploration and ordered Zheng He to burn his own fleet to ash. It was a terribly shortsighted decision which ruined any chance for China  to compete with the emerging naval powers of Europe. That kind of loyalty—the kind which commands you to burn down your life's work and set your own country back hundreds of years—might be exactly what is needed to run an NBA offense like this:

 

I submit that any random eunuch chosen off the street—we still have eunuchs around New York, right? Queens itself is huge—could make just as many terrible basketball decisions as Kurt Rambis, but will not cause the organization any sex-related issues. And isn't that what really matters for a head coach?


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