Every Thing on Every NHL Goalie's Mask

An inventory, for your public and private use.
Share |
Just Ask Jared. Please Ask Him Something.

Image via Somma, used under a Creative Commons 2.0 license.

Late Tuesday morning, Sports Illustrated's photo blogger/world-cultural treasure Andy Gray tweeted a link to a slideshow of all, more or less, the goalie masks being worn in the 2011–12 NHL season. It seemed like a good idea to create a formal record of all of the cultural data enclosed therein. Stick tap to @si_vault for being priceless.

Herewith, "Every Thing on Every NHL Goalie's Mask," 2011–12 edition.

  • Old-fashioned black and white headshots of the entire Anaheim Ducks roster with fictive mustaches, accompanied with full body portrait of wearer on backplate, also with speculative upper-lip hair.

  • Three-dimensional rendering of a creepy anthropomorphic duck warrior.

  • Zombie/skeleton pirate versions of creepy anthropomorphic duck warrior.

  • Creepy anthropomorphic duck warrior driving in a Humvee while manning a .50 cal machine gun, creepy anthropomorphic duck warrior firing a bazooka, fighter planes (a recurring theme), army helicopters (not as popular as fighter planes), a rubber duck.

  • Late 19th/early 20th century British military leader Lord Kitchener demanding that you grow a mustache.

  • A generic “In God We Trust” seal vaguely reminiscent of various US devices/seals, bear claws, bears, and a shield bearing the legend DON’T TREAD ON ME and a coiled snake, said shield being clutched by bear claws.

  • Head-on view of demon bear with red eyes.

  • Vaguely tribal thing that might also be one of the two comedy/tragedy masks but it’s hard to tell, and the phrase “Miller Time” above a bulldog dressed like either a leprechaun or the Riddler from Batman.

  • The wordmark “Buffalo” in a very nice 19th-century-insurance-map-looking treatment running vertically down the side of wearer’s face, and some bricks.

  • Flaming, screaming skulls.

  • F’ed-up, legitimately scary zombie pirate (not a duck) reaching his hand, which has claws for some reason, for your face, plus some GOTHIC CAPS.

  • Subdued black-and-white rendering of team logo.

  • Large Blackhawks logo with two varying sets of Native Americana painted in the style of either an Iron Maiden album cover or the side of a van.

  • Vaguely dignified portraits of generic Native American chiefs in full regalia, with bonus neck tattoo. Plus the word RAZOR in a sort of combo metal-Gothic typeface with either an eagle or a phoenix behind it, all on the back of wearer’s head.

  • A demonized snowman with a bazooka facing off against a yeti, also with bazooka, with a second yeti off below the snowman but without a bazooka.

  • Some mountains, a big red chevron, and a lovely diagonal rendering of C-O-L-O-R-A-D-O.

  • A Civil War-era cannon, a Yankee and a rebel fighting hand to had, a ghostly blue inset panel on left cheek featuring Abe Lincoln and another cannon and a ghostly cavalryman. NB: this helmet may contain Bloods gang symbology.

  • Actually frightening skeleton with eyeballs and what appear to be zombie Civil War soldiers stalking through a swirly mist.

  • Wizard bearing strong resemblance to Gandalf as drawn in the Rankin/Bass 1977 animated version of The Hobbit (voiced by John Huston for reasons not fully understood).

  • Longhorn cattle skull, and then a non-skeletonized longhorn bull (possibly a zombie bull, need more data to confirm).

  • Abstract renditions of Texas Ranger law enforcemental officer/badge of said ranger.

  • Skyline of Detroit with moving tribute to victims of Lokomotiv Yaroslavl crash, done perhaps unintentionally in the style of Russian mafia tombstones, with the confusing, possibly misguided addition of the legend “Let’s Roll USA” which has something to do with a tragedy involving aeronautics but not the Lokomotiv crash.

  • The Ambassador Bridge, plus a second skyline of Detroit, plus a photorealistic rendition of Chris Osgood’s plain-red Cooper SK2000 goalie mask. (NB if Joey Macdonald’s mask was ever the subject of such a tribute, there would three levels of helmet, and if that second tribute mask was ever…)

  • A replica of former Oilers goalie Bill Ranford’s mask from their 1990 championship season, with a deranged giraffe on the back panel.

  • A vaguely tribal pattern around the Oilers logo, and then the same deranged giraffe wearing a Jason Voorhees-style goalie mask.

  • A bald eagle, a flaming oil derrick, and the nickname “Bulin Wall,” which is the greatest accomplishment of sports onomasty of the past century, then a two-headed Russian imperial non-bald eagle on the back with Khabibulin’s other nickname, Habby, in what appears to be mock-Cyrillic type.

  • Tiki carvings animated as cartoon dudes.

  • A busty cartoon lady panther in a string bikini and then something that I choose to interpret as like Chester the Cheetah but as a Florida panther (b.k.a. a severely inbred subspecies of mountain lion) and possibly another panther with boobs behind Chester.

  • A lucha libre-style panther mask that might be the best of all of these, in terms of like, being an awesome thing to wear on your face while people fling hard rubber at you competitively.

  • A metal, sorta futuro-medieval looking crown to reflect that wearer plays for the Kings.

  • A retro style air-freshener-looking crown to also reflect that wearer plays for the Kings.

  • The HOLLYWOOD sign, and a lion, and a reel of film, and more crowns.

  • A wolf, and some tribal jumbly crap.

  • RIP rose for wearer’s late grandmother, wearer’s nickname in a kind of serial-killer-y script, and then three more RIPs for late friends on back panel.

  • Native American elder to reflect wearer’s heritage, pink breast-cancer awareness ribbon, whole helmet in a pink-and-blue theme for additional awareness, multiple dreamcatchers, use of a vaguely either circus or Mardi Gras-themed font.

  • Rodeo cowboys, plus that circus/Mardi Gras stuff again.

  • Portraits of international footballer Lionel Messi and Ned Flanders, plus team logo (on same mask).

  • A character from the video game Assassin’s Creed, with Ned Flanders on the backplate.

  • Some kind of demonic prehistoric cat creature wearing a goalie mask of its own, made using period-appropriate components (bones of the innocent).

  • The Nashville skyline (unclear if this is a Dylan reference), a bar of written music, a fiddle.

  • Wearer’s team logo, but sideways.

  • The horns-and-forked-tail “J” from the Devils logo, worn by someone who does not have a J in their name.

  • The entire Devils logo, plus what I think is a milk cow in a Mephistopheles-style devil getup.

  • Matching skeleton monsters reaching out for your face.

  • A succession of maritime visual cliches.

  • Team’s logo, but sparkly.

  • Stars, stripes.

  • A large cat screaming at you, in the mouth of which the goalie’s face sits.

  • Multi-panel tribute to Clint Benedict, star goalie for the Ottawa Senators from 1912–1924 and the first goalie to wear a mask. History! Plus another personalized cancer awareness ribbon for deceased sister of wearer.

  • Like the giant cat screaming at you, but this time it's a Roman centurion, plus some sparkly maple leaves.

  • Mike Schmidt, Reggie White, Julius Irving, the Philly Phanatic, a replica Harry Kallas HK in memoriam sticker, Bobby Clarke, and then Joe Frazier on the back (Ed: Needs more Iverson).

  • A kind of cheesy tiger on left temple.

  • A fighter plane bursting through a brick wall. More brick wall with graffiti on it of wearer’s nickname, then the seal of the Russian province of Novokuznetsk and the American and Russian national flags.

  • Something that sort of looks like a wedding invitation that has snowflakes and the Liberty Bell on it.

  • Wile E. Coyote staring into your soul.

  • Digital camouflage in team colors plus a memorial to deceased NFL star/Army Ranger Pat Tillman, who did not play hockey.

  • Some kind of crazy zombie-goalie monster, I can’t even tell.

  • Led Zeppelin tribute in Pittsburgh colors.

  • Weird wavy tribal crap.

  • Screaming yeti or possibly albino gorilla on right temple.

  • Same principle as demon bear/screaming cat/Wile E. Coyote/Roman centurion but a shark.

  • Angry demonic bull, Gateway Arch, plus legitimately handsome tribute to wearer’s late Slovak compatriot Pavol Demitra on backplate.

  • What I think is the minor Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles character Casey Jones, who wears a goalie mask, but might also be Vega from Street Fighter II video game franchise, or a combination of the two.

  • Demonic toilet paper, or something.

  • Thor, yelling, then another smaller Thor, not yelling.

  • Just a big old lightning bolt on wearer’s forehead.

  • A Toronto Maple Leafs heritage mural kind of deal, also depicting Canadian national crazy person Don Cherry, and some kids playing on a frozen pond, and then Jesus saving the Apostle Peter on the backplate, with all sorts of palimpsest-looking notes-to-self.

  • Screaming angry pig monster with bloodshot eyes.

  • Stereotypical Canadian lumberjack dude who bears a strong resemblance to Laurence Olivier’s character in 49th Parallel.

  • Abstract, stretchy repurposing of the Canucks’ retro “stick in a box” logo.

  • A Czech pastoral scene, a lion wearing a crown, as many as two eagles, and some checkers, and the U.S. Capitol dome.

  • Action dogfight scene of a zombified fighter-plane pilot about to gun you down, plus more fighter planes.


Share |

Comments

A debt of gratitude is in order for setting aside an ideal opportunity to examine this, I feel emphatically about it and love adapting more on this theme. In the event that conceivable, as you pick up aptitude, would you mind upgrading your web journal with additional data? It is greatly useful for me. blog comment service

A debt of gratitude is in order for another superb post. Where else might anybody be able to get that sort of information in such a perfect method for composing? stained concrete nh

Awesome post, you have pointed out some incredible focuses, I also trust this is an exceptionally eminent site. source

A debt of gratitude is in order for setting aside an ideal opportunity to examine this, I feel emphatically about it and love adapting more on this theme. In the event that conceivable, as you pick up aptitude, would you mind upgrading your web journal with additional data? It is greatly useful for me. http://snap361.com/

I just like the valuable info you provide for your articles.I’ll bookmark your weblog and take a look at once more right here regularly. I am reasonably certain I’ll learn a lot of new stuff proper here search engine optimization tips

I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article check this out

Outstanding write-up and also men and women in the world will certainly acquire greatly as a result of examining which smoking salvia

Canadian national crazy person Don Cherry, and some kids playing on a frozen pond, and then Jesus saving the Apostle Peter on the backplate clicking here

The expertise shines through. Thanks for taking the time to answer... 0800 numbers converter

This is really a nice and informative, containing all information and also has a great impact on the new technology.... cccam server

I really thank you for the valuable info on this great subject and look forward to more great posts... cccam server

Excellent and decent post. I found this much informative. I'm impressed by the details that you have on this web site.... cccam server

This is truly a great read for me. I have bookmarked it and I am looking forward to reading new articles... blog commenting service

I’m very pleased to say that these are wonderful articles and blogs. Thanks for this. kit tattoo

Very interesting blog. A lot of blogs I see these days don't really provide anything that I'm interested in, but I'm most definitely interested in this one. Just thought that I would post and let you know The Digital Centre

You have a decent point here!I thoroughly concur with what you have said!!Thanks for sharing your views.... life coach atlanta

It is a great website and nice share. I want to thank you. Good job! You guys do a great blog, and have some great contents. Keep up the good work. buy YouTube accounts

I have perused your web journal it is extremely useful for me. I need to express profound gratitude to you. I have bookmark your site for future redesigns. High PR Do-dollow links

Also great blog here with all of the valuable information you have... 0800 call forwarding

I hope that other readers will also source
experience how I feel after reading your article. I feel very grateful

Excellently written article, if only all bloggers offered the same level of content as you, the internet would be a much better place. salvia for sale

I won’t think twice to endorse your blog post to anybody who wants and needs support about this area. werbemittel werbetraeger

Great tips and very easy to understand. marietta personal injury lawyer

Great tips and very easy to understand. This will definitely be very useful for me when I get a chance to start my blog. ibcbet

Thanks a lot very much for the high quality and results-oriented help. I won’t think twice to endorse your blog post to anybody who wants and needs support about this area.
free premium minecraft accounts

I am sure to all the commenters here! It’s always nice when you can not only be informed, but also entertained. catch cheat girlfriend

I just like the valuable info you provide for your articles.I’ll bookmark your weblog and take a look at once more right here regularly. I am reasonably certain I’ll learn a lot of new stuff proper here activated charcoal

I am pretty much pleased with your good work.You put really very helpful information. Keep it up. Keep blogging. Looking to reading your next post. taxi for delhi to jaipur

Great Article it its really informative and innovative keep us posted with new updates. its was really valuable. thanks a lot free 0800 calls from mobile

Your blog provided us with valuable information to work with.Each & every tips of your post are awesome. Thanks a lot for sharing. Keep blogging. professional seo

verbalize from your coronary heart and also quality with this crucial subject matter may be effortlessly witnessed. more details see web site... SEO link building

I am looking for and I love to post a comment that "The content of your post is awesome" Great work.. pure slim cleanse canada

being an awesome thing to wear on your face while people fling hard rubber at you competitively. San Jose Towing

with a second yeti off below the snowman but without a bazooka. life coach atlanta

I just like the valuable info you provide for your articles.I’ll bookmark your weblog and take a look at once more right here regularly. I am reasonably certain I’ll learn a lot of new stuff proper here Singapore investigator

You have a real ability for writing unique content. I like how you think and the way you represent your views in this article. Salvia for sale

You have a real ability for writing unique content. I like how you think and the way you represent your views in this article. I agree with your way of thinking private investigation Singapore

Really great post, Thank you for sharing This knowledge.Excellently written article, if only all bloggers offered the same level of content as you, the internet would be a much better place. Please keep it up! high trust flow

I just check out your site and I find it very interesting and informative. I can't wait to read lots of your posts . continued

It is perfect time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy. I've read this post and if I could I desire to suggest you some interesting things or suggestions private investigation Singapore

I actually found this blog and that is amazing thing I enjoy reading this easy to understand stuff. kit tatuaggi

Just wanted to tell you that you have people like me who appreciate your work. Definitely a great post. The information you provide is really very good.auto binary signals reviews

It really is good to know that this topic is being covered also on this web site so cheers for taking time to discuss this! Jarabacoa

You have a real ability for writing unique content. I like how you think and the way you represent your views in this article. I agree with your way of thinking הסעות לסאותהמפתון

I’m reading the stuff of your site continuously n I have got really a lot of the things that’s very important. You have put the great effort here. csr mod apk

Hey buddies, such a marvelous blog you have made I’m surprised to read such informative stuff. taxi in ajmer

Every day I visit a number of blog sites to see content, however this offers quality based content. jaipur to delhi taxi

I have been searching to find a comfort or effective procedure to complete this process and I think this is the most suitable way to do it effectively. DNA Wealth Blueprint

Welcome to the party of my life here you will learn everything about me. bike transport pune

I used to pay a fast visit this site, because I’d like enjoyment, because this web site conations certainly fussy material.eCom Success Academy