Every Thing on Every NHL Goalie's Mask

An inventory, for your public and private use.
Share |
Just Ask Jared. Please Ask Him Something.

Image via Somma, used under a Creative Commons 2.0 license.

Late Tuesday morning, Sports Illustrated's photo blogger/world-cultural treasure Andy Gray tweeted a link to a slideshow of all, more or less, the goalie masks being worn in the 2011–12 NHL season. It seemed like a good idea to create a formal record of all of the cultural data enclosed therein. Stick tap to @si_vault for being priceless.

Herewith, "Every Thing on Every NHL Goalie's Mask," 2011–12 edition.

  • Old-fashioned black and white headshots of the entire Anaheim Ducks roster with fictive mustaches, accompanied with full body portrait of wearer on backplate, also with speculative upper-lip hair.

  • Three-dimensional rendering of a creepy anthropomorphic duck warrior.

  • Zombie/skeleton pirate versions of creepy anthropomorphic duck warrior.

  • Creepy anthropomorphic duck warrior driving in a Humvee while manning a .50 cal machine gun, creepy anthropomorphic duck warrior firing a bazooka, fighter planes (a recurring theme), army helicopters (not as popular as fighter planes), a rubber duck.

  • Late 19th/early 20th century British military leader Lord Kitchener demanding that you grow a mustache.

  • A generic “In God We Trust” seal vaguely reminiscent of various US devices/seals, bear claws, bears, and a shield bearing the legend DON’T TREAD ON ME and a coiled snake, said shield being clutched by bear claws.

  • Head-on view of demon bear with red eyes.

  • Vaguely tribal thing that might also be one of the two comedy/tragedy masks but it’s hard to tell, and the phrase “Miller Time” above a bulldog dressed like either a leprechaun or the Riddler from Batman.

  • The wordmark “Buffalo” in a very nice 19th-century-insurance-map-looking treatment running vertically down the side of wearer’s face, and some bricks.

  • Flaming, screaming skulls.

  • F’ed-up, legitimately scary zombie pirate (not a duck) reaching his hand, which has claws for some reason, for your face, plus some GOTHIC CAPS.

  • Subdued black-and-white rendering of team logo.

  • Large Blackhawks logo with two varying sets of Native Americana painted in the style of either an Iron Maiden album cover or the side of a van.

  • Vaguely dignified portraits of generic Native American chiefs in full regalia, with bonus neck tattoo. Plus the word RAZOR in a sort of combo metal-Gothic typeface with either an eagle or a phoenix behind it, all on the back of wearer’s head.

  • A demonized snowman with a bazooka facing off against a yeti, also with bazooka, with a second yeti off below the snowman but without a bazooka.

  • Some mountains, a big red chevron, and a lovely diagonal rendering of C-O-L-O-R-A-D-O.

  • A Civil War-era cannon, a Yankee and a rebel fighting hand to had, a ghostly blue inset panel on left cheek featuring Abe Lincoln and another cannon and a ghostly cavalryman. NB: this helmet may contain Bloods gang symbology.

  • Actually frightening skeleton with eyeballs and what appear to be zombie Civil War soldiers stalking through a swirly mist.

  • Wizard bearing strong resemblance to Gandalf as drawn in the Rankin/Bass 1977 animated version of The Hobbit (voiced by John Huston for reasons not fully understood).

  • Longhorn cattle skull, and then a non-skeletonized longhorn bull (possibly a zombie bull, need more data to confirm).

  • Abstract renditions of Texas Ranger law enforcemental officer/badge of said ranger.

  • Skyline of Detroit with moving tribute to victims of Lokomotiv Yaroslavl crash, done perhaps unintentionally in the style of Russian mafia tombstones, with the confusing, possibly misguided addition of the legend “Let’s Roll USA” which has something to do with a tragedy involving aeronautics but not the Lokomotiv crash.

  • The Ambassador Bridge, plus a second skyline of Detroit, plus a photorealistic rendition of Chris Osgood’s plain-red Cooper SK2000 goalie mask. (NB if Joey Macdonald’s mask was ever the subject of such a tribute, there would three levels of helmet, and if that second tribute mask was ever…)

  • A replica of former Oilers goalie Bill Ranford’s mask from their 1990 championship season, with a deranged giraffe on the back panel.

  • A vaguely tribal pattern around the Oilers logo, and then the same deranged giraffe wearing a Jason Voorhees-style goalie mask.

  • A bald eagle, a flaming oil derrick, and the nickname “Bulin Wall,” which is the greatest accomplishment of sports onomasty of the past century, then a two-headed Russian imperial non-bald eagle on the back with Khabibulin’s other nickname, Habby, in what appears to be mock-Cyrillic type.

  • Tiki carvings animated as cartoon dudes.

  • A busty cartoon lady panther in a string bikini and then something that I choose to interpret as like Chester the Cheetah but as a Florida panther (b.k.a. a severely inbred subspecies of mountain lion) and possibly another panther with boobs behind Chester.

  • A lucha libre-style panther mask that might be the best of all of these, in terms of like, being an awesome thing to wear on your face while people fling hard rubber at you competitively.

  • A metal, sorta futuro-medieval looking crown to reflect that wearer plays for the Kings.

  • A retro style air-freshener-looking crown to also reflect that wearer plays for the Kings.

  • The HOLLYWOOD sign, and a lion, and a reel of film, and more crowns.

  • A wolf, and some tribal jumbly crap.

  • RIP rose for wearer’s late grandmother, wearer’s nickname in a kind of serial-killer-y script, and then three more RIPs for late friends on back panel.

  • Native American elder to reflect wearer’s heritage, pink breast-cancer awareness ribbon, whole helmet in a pink-and-blue theme for additional awareness, multiple dreamcatchers, use of a vaguely either circus or Mardi Gras-themed font.

  • Rodeo cowboys, plus that circus/Mardi Gras stuff again.

  • Portraits of international footballer Lionel Messi and Ned Flanders, plus team logo (on same mask).

  • A character from the video game Assassin’s Creed, with Ned Flanders on the backplate.

  • Some kind of demonic prehistoric cat creature wearing a goalie mask of its own, made using period-appropriate components (bones of the innocent).

  • The Nashville skyline (unclear if this is a Dylan reference), a bar of written music, a fiddle.

  • Wearer’s team logo, but sideways.

  • The horns-and-forked-tail “J” from the Devils logo, worn by someone who does not have a J in their name.

  • The entire Devils logo, plus what I think is a milk cow in a Mephistopheles-style devil getup.

  • Matching skeleton monsters reaching out for your face.

  • A succession of maritime visual cliches.

  • Team’s logo, but sparkly.

  • Stars, stripes.

  • A large cat screaming at you, in the mouth of which the goalie’s face sits.

  • Multi-panel tribute to Clint Benedict, star goalie for the Ottawa Senators from 1912–1924 and the first goalie to wear a mask. History! Plus another personalized cancer awareness ribbon for deceased sister of wearer.

  • Like the giant cat screaming at you, but this time it's a Roman centurion, plus some sparkly maple leaves.

  • Mike Schmidt, Reggie White, Julius Irving, the Philly Phanatic, a replica Harry Kallas HK in memoriam sticker, Bobby Clarke, and then Joe Frazier on the back (Ed: Needs more Iverson).

  • A kind of cheesy tiger on left temple.

  • A fighter plane bursting through a brick wall. More brick wall with graffiti on it of wearer’s nickname, then the seal of the Russian province of Novokuznetsk and the American and Russian national flags.

  • Something that sort of looks like a wedding invitation that has snowflakes and the Liberty Bell on it.

  • Wile E. Coyote staring into your soul.

  • Digital camouflage in team colors plus a memorial to deceased NFL star/Army Ranger Pat Tillman, who did not play hockey.

  • Some kind of crazy zombie-goalie monster, I can’t even tell.

  • Led Zeppelin tribute in Pittsburgh colors.

  • Weird wavy tribal crap.

  • Screaming yeti or possibly albino gorilla on right temple.

  • Same principle as demon bear/screaming cat/Wile E. Coyote/Roman centurion but a shark.

  • Angry demonic bull, Gateway Arch, plus legitimately handsome tribute to wearer’s late Slovak compatriot Pavol Demitra on backplate.

  • What I think is the minor Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles character Casey Jones, who wears a goalie mask, but might also be Vega from Street Fighter II video game franchise, or a combination of the two.

  • Demonic toilet paper, or something.

  • Thor, yelling, then another smaller Thor, not yelling.

  • Just a big old lightning bolt on wearer’s forehead.

  • A Toronto Maple Leafs heritage mural kind of deal, also depicting Canadian national crazy person Don Cherry, and some kids playing on a frozen pond, and then Jesus saving the Apostle Peter on the backplate, with all sorts of palimpsest-looking notes-to-self.

  • Screaming angry pig monster with bloodshot eyes.

  • Stereotypical Canadian lumberjack dude who bears a strong resemblance to Laurence Olivier’s character in 49th Parallel.

  • Abstract, stretchy repurposing of the Canucks’ retro “stick in a box” logo.

  • A Czech pastoral scene, a lion wearing a crown, as many as two eagles, and some checkers, and the U.S. Capitol dome.

  • Action dogfight scene of a zombified fighter-plane pilot about to gun you down, plus more fighter planes.

Share |


It's always exciting to read through content from other writers and practice a little something from their sites..helpful resources

I really enjoy simply reading all of your weblogs. Simply wanted to inform you that you have people like me who appreciate your work. Definitely a great post. Hats off to you ! The information that you have provided is very helpful. do follow blog comments

Your article has piqued a lot of positive interest. I can see why since you have done such a good job of making it interesting.buy instagram followers cheap

wedding invitation that has snowflakes and the Liberty Bell on it. הסעות מלוטון ללונדון

blog that both informative and entertaining, and let me tell you, you`v e hit the nail on the head. Your blog is important. הסעות בלונדון

Great post i must say and thanks for the information. Education is definitely a sticky subject. However, is still among the leading topics of our time. I appreciate your post and look forward to more...christian drug rehabs

Yes, great US Military force. Also, in his post you have given a chance to listen about US Military. I really appreciate your work. Thanks for sharing it.

shopping austin texas

would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article... gurgaon to jaipur cab

but officials insist that other measures—both physical and electronic—safeguard our records.

Magnetic Messaging Review

You really don't get to use the #millinery tag very often in this business.. packers and movers pune

This is truly a great read for me. I have bookmarked it I am looking forward to reading new articles about Best Solicitors. Keep up the good work!..clash of clans cheats android

post so i think so it is very useful and knowledgeable. I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article.
Xtreme Fat Loss Diet PDF

I found this is an informative and interesting post so i think so it is very useful and knowledgeable. I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article...Fanduel

The software takes place along with the honeycomb sequence relating to the face, is normally highly valued with all the mulch-level additional knobs, and additionally reaches all the put lesson guns..kamagra oral gel

This is a good post. This post gives truly quality information. I'm definitely going to look into it. Really very useful tips are provided here. Thank you so much. Keep up the good works..solar post light

I am happy to find this post very useful for me, as it contains lot of information. I always prefer to read the quality content and this thing I found in you post. Thanks for sharing....the venus factor login

So fortunes to run over your incredible online journal. Your online journal presents to me a lot of fun.. Good fortunes with the site.neopoints

We Are A Full-Service Provider Of High Quality Backlinks That Help Boost Traffic, Increase Rankings, And Build Authority. With Years Of Experience We Know Exactly What Type Of Manual Dofollow Blog Comments It Takes To Quickly Increase Your Online Visibility
High PR Links

Wonderful article, thanks for putting this together! This is obviously one great post. Thanks for the Website valuable information and insights you have so provided here....sim unlock service

vs chance to examine this, I feel intensely about this and I like researching this subjec..... seo service

It is a great website and nice share. I want to thank you. Good job! You guys do a great blog, and have some great contents. Keep up the good work..phones unlock codes

Your article has piqued a lot of positive interest. I can see why since you have done such a good job of making it interesting historical racing in idaho

My husband furthermore i believed an individual cooperate part distribute of associated among writers that got hellos or her system truly. ...best wp themes

Ixperia IT Schulung und Beratung An 18 Standorten in Deutschland bieten wir anspruchsvollen Führungskräften und Mitarbeitern erfolgreich Seminare zu den Themen IT Service Management, ITIL, Projektmanagement und Prince2 in exzellenter Atmosphäre. Sowohl fachlich als auch für die Durchführung erhalten wir von unseren Teilnehmern dafür die besten Beurteilungen mit 100% Erfolgsgarantie. ITIL Foundation

Your article has piqued a lot of positive interest. I can see why since you have done such a good job of making it interesting. goji pro

Fotograf Reinhard Simon und Waltraud Pioch begrüßen Sie herzlich in ihrem Fotostudio “das portrait” in Frankfurt. Fotoatelier für anspruchsvolle Fotografie. Die erste Adresse in Frankfurt für Bewerbungsfotos, Businessfotos und Portraitfotos. Fotografie

That is not just any zombified fighter pilot, my man, that is Eddie, of NWOBHM titans Iron Maiden cover/t-shirt fame! In particular, this is the depiction from Aces High--though with the sky-blue color scheme of Seventh Son of a Seventh Son.

I, uh...had the posters.

Great list. Goalies are so metal.

Speaking of fighter jets, if anyone hasn't seen them, check out Alaska Univ. Hockey promos on Youtube.


Love the Classical.

My cataract removal experience was fantastic. I had no discomfort at any time. My vision improved from 20/90 to almost 20/20 within 48 hours after surgery. I had a mild sedative only. I remained awake and alert throughout the surgery. It was outpatient surgery. I was released about three hours after arriving at the Cataract Surgery center.

You really don't get to use the #millinery tag very often in this business.

What's on your mask PB?

I just wear a silk Zorro mask.