Derek Jeter's Sex Packets, A Conversation

One skeevy story about a Yankees legend, two skeeved-out people making fun/sense of it
Share |
It's complicated, but Money B = Brett Gardner

Image courtesy of UUlyrics.com.

Say what you will about the New York Post: that it is one of the worst, crassest and soul-ugliest newspapers in this or any possible universe, that… actually, you can just say that last part. It's true and I won't disagree with it, and neither will anyone who has ever even walked past a stack of New York Posts for sale. But credit where it's due: the Post, despite obviously being the paper that would break the story about the memorabilia-heavy gift baskets that New York Yankees captain Derek Jeter allegedly gives to women who spend the night at his Trump Tower Apartment, definitely did a great job breaking the story of the memorabilia-heavy gift baskets that Derek Jeter allegedly gives to women who spend the night at his Trump Tower apartment.

Which is to say that they did it in the most alliteration-heavy, punning-est and generally quease-inducing way possible. Which was hardly necessary, considering what this story is about (c.f. previous paragraph, there, but it's about how Derek Jeter allegedly gives autographed baseballs to women he just slept with), but which is also the Post all day. It was, in short, a lot of skeeviness and grandiosity and celebrity-brain mal-judgment to take in on one's own. For help in processing it all, I turned to the estimable David Raposa, my partner in last season's Yakkin' About Baseball columns at The Awl.

David Raposa: Were you surprised to see that Derek Jeter treats his anonymous sex partners like they were attendees at the People's Choice Awards?

David Roth: Sort of surprised at how not-surprised I was. Certainly the idea that he has personal assistants building swag bags—a DVD of bloopers and outtakes from his Ford commercial shoots, an autographed 8x10 of Boone Logan, some remaindered Carl Pavano name-and-number t-shirts—for his lady-guests has its bleak apsects. But on the other hand that is called JOB CREATING and if you don't like it you should probably run for President as a fucking Democrat.

David Raposa: But is the gift basket a bonus, or a consolation prize?

David Roth: I think it's like if you go see the new Edward Burns movie, which is probably called Central Islip or The Mopey Fellows of Merrick or whatever Edward Burns is calling his movies now, at Sundance. Is it terrible? Probably, yeah. But you do get a canvas bag with a Norelco electric razor and a kiwi-strawberry Muscle Milk and some Edward Burns Select brand trail mix in it, so…

David Raposa: That's the equivalent of Jeter's "I just went 0-4 and didn't feel like reciprocating, sorry" basket—filled with juicy mangos and some intriguing glass sculpture (and an autographed Derek Jeter 5x7).

David Roth: I like the idea that, somewhere between the end of foreplay and the signing of the non-disclosure agreement, he "takes the temperature" of his partner and finds out what kind of memorabilia would be appropriate.

David Roth: Is she a hardcore memorabilia collector? Then perhaps she'd enjoy some game-used sliding pads.

David Roth: Is she just some lady who is friends with Jeff Weaver and spells her name Krysteal? Because then she may not appreciate getting those game-used sliding pads.

David Raposa: Is she a Grammy-winning multi-platinum recording artist known for piques of unfettered madness? Then you throw some game-used sliding pads at her while your bodyguards “escort” her from the premises.

David Raposa: They're the gift that keep on giving.

David Roth: Rashes.

David Roth: The details of his love life from that piece, beyond the trinket-exchange stuff, are kind of depressing. Everyone sneaking around, him going to average-ass restaurants at like 5:30pm on Tuesday. The Mustang Grill place he favored on Manhattan's Upper East Side recently closed. It was really near my apartment. Sludgy margaritas served to people who call them "margs." The words "sorority brunch" keep coming up when I think about it.

David Raposa: What does Zagat's say about Nino's?

David Roth: I actually don't know Nino's that well. But you can make reservations here.

David Raposa: Oooh, Jim Nabors entering a reservation into the computer! Distinguished!

David Roth: My guess at Zagat's take is: For "not terribly discriminating" diners and "Page Six infielders" who have "an edge" and "dated Mariah Carey, hilariously," this "middling" East Side Italian offers "warmer-than-room-temperature" pastas. Even loyalists warn "do not get the scallops."

David Raposa: I didn't realize Zagat's did the HRO "quotations" thing. Proto-alt.

David Roth: The New York edition of Zagat's is so suffocatingly New York. The diner-contribution stuff is all from people that think nothing of saying, out loud, "I feel like I should be writing New Yorker cartoons." So every review is them being like "It's GREEK TO ME why anyone would go anyplace else for Greek food do you see what I did there with the Greek thing."

David Raposa: This quaint Italian bistro has food that’s TO DIE FOR, with portion sizes that could KILL A HORSE and PUT ITS HEAD IN YOUR BED WHILE YOU SLEEP. I’m totally in, right?

David Roth: Nino's official website has music. Oddly, it's "Snakes For The Divine" by High On Fire. Just kidding, it's totally a MIDI-file version of George Benson.

David Raposa: God this classy-coke soundtrack is ensorceling. I feel like I'm in the highest-budgeted "Red Shoe Diaries" episode ever.

David Roth: Kiefer Sutherland Music. AKA "N**gas in Paris In 1988 At A Lounge."

David Raposa: "[Owner Nino] Selmaj has culled a large, loyal following with his magnetic personality, dashing good looks and impeccably tailored suits bearing a bejeweled American flag on his lapel." Rudy Giuliani wept.

David Roth: And ate there several times a week, presumably. So a second take on the Zagat review would be: With "the raw sex appeal" of a young Mario Batali and a flag pin you "won't want to miss," Nino is the "host with the most" if you're "a star shortstop trying to hump as discreetly as possible" in hopes of not getting "goofed on by two doofuses" on the internet. Also the star shortstop "has an edge."

David Raposa: He's never going to live down "the edge," is he?

David Roth: Not with me he isn't. Cut a couple of crummy local Ford commercials and you wear that for life.

David Raposa: Bob Uecker has the cheap seats. Jimmy Rollins has the serial-killer stare from that Dick's Sporting Goods thing. Derek Jeter has 15 MPG highway and a cool sunroof. And a website you should really check out, of course.

David Roth: Did you get any weird residual sadness from the article? Like about how furtive and housebound his love life is? I assume it's not that sad, in that he's probably into it.

David Raposa: Given how often Minka Kelly's mentioned, it's almost like the writers are insinuating he's trying to fuck the pain away.

David Roth: Has he been linked with Peaches? Is that what you're implying?

David Raposa: That jump-off would be Jeter's centaur painting.

David Raposa: I do like how the "friends" that spill the deets on Jeter's Three Days of The Condor love life still manage to paint him in a good baseball light. "He's very cautious. He'll only go out on off-nights."

David Roth: Always and everywhere The Captain, even if it's Captain of Hump Island.

David Raposa: "He's always looking to take the extra base. Will run through stop signs."

David Roth "Very aggressive. VERY aggressive."

David Roth: Really, living in Trump Tower is the most embarrassing part of the whole thing for him.

David Roth: I wonder if Trump is going to go on "Fox and Friends" to talk about how he has The Classiest Service Entrance. "Definitely fit for a high-caliber piece of ass like those enjoyed by our very famous celebrity tenants."

David Roth: A.J. Burnett makeout partners get a can of grape Four Loko, a Tapout t-shirt size XL and an autographed picture of a non-Burnett Yankee.

David Raposa: Oh, are we going to do YANKEE SEX BASKETS?

David Raposa: A-Rod: a copy of Khalil Gibran's The Prophet, some Body Shop bath salts, and an organic avocado.

David Roth: If you have sex with Sabathia, Francisco Cervelli personally drives you home in the morning, screaming at you the whole time in a made-up language.

David Roth: Do the thing with Nick Swisher and you get homemade elk jerky and a pink Ski-Doo.

David Raposa: Brett Gardner: a Fast and Furious Blu-Ray boxset, a Water-Pik, and about 35 Power Bracelets.

David Roth: If you have sex with Mariano Rivera, you are Mariano Rivera's wife and do not need to go home.

David Raposa: Hideki Matsui just handed out portable DVD players that featured him reading from the Kama Sutra wearing a loose silk robe. Everyone thought he was joking around until he started handing them out to the press corps.

David Roth: If you stay overnight at Andy Pettitte's, you get a heartfelt marriage proposal.

David Raposa: And a Kay Jewelers Open Heart pendant, obviously. Do we want to talk about Roger Clemens?

David Roth: This is the scary one. I don't know what's in there. One of those six-pound protein shake containers from GNC? A lock of your hair that he cut off while you were asleep.

David Raposa: A CD-R featuring him singing Willie Nelson's "Crazy" acapella 25 times.

David Roth: Also a videotape of him wandering through your house while you're not there. I think the real takeaway from this whole story, besides Derek Jeter's icy inhumanity and sad, furtive romantic life, is that you should definitely never ever have sex with Roger Clemens.


Share |

Comments

The article has actually peaks my interest. I am going to bookmark your web site and maintain checking for brand new information. Know More link building service

Fast this specific wonderful internet site will unquestionably indisputably be distinguished in the middle of nearly all producing a new web site males and females, to the fastidious written content and also testimonails from others. college research paper help

With the assistance of most recent innovation included telephones, one can without much of a stretch makes their intricate work simple and in a flash. chacara para alugar rio preto

Thanks for ones marvelous posting! I genuinely enjoyed reading it, you are a great author. I will be sure to bookmark your blog and may come back very soon. I want to encourage you to definitely continue your great job, have a nice weekend. chacara aluguel temporada

This is my first time visit to your blog and I am very interested in the articles that you serve. Provide enough knowledge for me. Thank you for sharing useful and don't forget, keep sharing useful info: seo for surgeons

Thanks for sharing this information. I really like your blog post very much. You have really shared a informative and interesting blog post with people.. vender imoveis pela internet

seo I really loved reading your blog. It was very well authored and easy to understand. Unlike other blogs I have read which are really not that good. visit this site hurry up waiting your order low obl unique domain Thanks alot! dofollow blog comments

I would also motivate just about every person to save this web page for any favorite assistance to assist posted the appearance. Executive Development Program

I am overwhelmed by your post with such a nice topic. Usually I visit your blogs and get updated through the information you include but today’s blog would be the most appreciable köpa arganolja

I am always searching online for articles that can help me. There is obviously a lot to know about this. I think you made some good points in Features also. Keep working, great job! diy stylus pen

There are several dissertation web sites on the net once you locate unsurprisingly explained in the website. college research proposal

Buy backlinks I was very pleased to find this site.I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post Dofollow Blog Comments

A lot of blogs I see these days don't really provide anything that I'm interested in, but I'm most definitely interested in this one.
source

I just now identified applying indicate the item all over again. Advocate whatsoever I need to to make sure anticipation as a result of honest you will keep on being for the purpose of featuring that excellent organize. Rebel Mouse

This post was very well written, and it also contains a lot of useful facts. I enjoyed your distinguished way of writing the post
browse around here

This is really an awesome read for me. I have bookmarked it and I am anticipating perusing new articles. Keep doing awesome!. ladenbau duesseldorf

A debt of gratitude is in order for setting aside an ideal opportunity to talk about this, I feel firmly that affection and read more on this point. On the off chance that conceivable, for example, pick up learning, would you psyche overhauling your web journal with extra data? It is exceptionally helpful for me. buy used jewelry

I am exceptionally delighted in for this web journal. Its an enlightening theme. It help me all that much to take care of a few issues. Its chance are so phenomenal and working style so quick. werbeartikel duesseldorf

I just like the valuable info you provide for your articles.I’ll bookmark your weblog and take a look at once more right here regularly. I am reasonably certain I’ll learn a lot of new stuff proper here Phil Shawe CEO

Very interesting blog. A lot of blogs I see these days don't really provide anything that I'm interested in, but I'm most definitely interested in this one. Just thought that I would post and let you know
browse around here

I actually spend my little time to read the websites but this blog is quite different from others, this has helped me a lot in my work. Thanks
link building strategy

I actually spend my little time to read the websites but this blog is quite different from others, this has helped me a lot in my work. Thanks
link building company

I just like the valuable info you provide for your articles.I’ll bookmark your weblog and take a look at once more right here regularly. I am reasonably certain I’ll learn a lot of new stuff proper here Clash of Clans Hack Download

Wow i can say that this is another great article as expected of this blog.Bookmarked this site.
next page

I actually spend my little time to read the websites but this blog is quite different from others, this has helped me a lot in my work. Thanks
next page

I truly cherished perusing your online journal. It was extremely very much composed and straightforward.
where can i find fenugreek seeds

Your website is really cool and this is a great inspiring article. Thank you so much
carpet cleaner urbana

Thank you so much for the post you do. I like your post and all you share with us is up to date and quite informative, i would like to bookmark the page so i can come here again to read you, as you have done a wonderful job. haus verkaufen

I felt very happy while reading this site. This was really very informative site for me. I really liked it. This was really a cordial post. Thanks a lot!. tact advisory

I am happy to find this post very useful for me, as it contains lot of information. I always prefer to read the quality content and this thing I found in you post. Thanks for sharing Halloween Costume Canada

Hi! Thanks for your article! I really enjoyed the article. It proved to be Very helpful to me. Thank you so much. travel more for less

hello was simply checking whether you minded a remark. i like your site and the thme you picked is super. I will be back. nouvalift instant wrinkle reducer

high tf backlinks Great article Lot's of information to Read... johntechseo Great Man Keep Posting and update to People..Thanks trust flow backlinks

Howdy, I discover perusing this article a delight. It is to a great degree supportive and fascinating and all that much anticipating perusing a greater amount of your work.. buy YouTube views

Awesome article Lot's of data to Read...Great Man Keep Posting and upgrade to People..Thanks for more

packing and moving companies at helloenquiry.in. We endeavour to furnish the best packers and movers companies in your city at ease of Internet. payday loans direct lenders

I concede, I have not been on this site page in quite a while... be that as it may it was another delight to see It is such a vital subject and overlooked by such a variety of, even experts. experts. I thank you to help making individuals more mindful of conceivable issues. for more

I just like the valuable info you provide for your articles.I’ll bookmark your weblog and take a look at once more right here regularly. I am reasonably certain I’ll learn a lot of new stuff proper here Upholstery Cleaning Champaign

Chelating medical care will be dangerous (even fatal) and offers no advantages, creating it probably the foremost harmful syndrom Cheap adjustable dumbbells

This is a great inspiring article.I am pretty much pleased with your good work.You put really very helpful information. Keep it up. Keep blogging. Looking to reading your next post Bubbler

Every week-end I used to pay a fast visit this site, because I’d like enjoyment, because this web site conations certainly fussy materia power stresser

I just like the valuable info you provide for your articles.I’ll bookmark your weblog and take a look at once more right here regularly. I am reasonably certain I’ll learn a lot of new stuff proper hereHigher Certificate in Economic and Management Sciences

Incredible review, I am a major adherent to remarking on websites to illuminate the web journal scholars realize that they've added something beneficial to the internet!.. resource

You will find a lot of approaches after visiting your post. I was exactly searching for. Thanks for such post and please keep it up Local Electricians

I've been hunting down some better than average stuff on the subject and haven't had any fortunes up until this point, You just got another greatest fan!.. resource

Awesome!!! the article is actually the best topic on this registry related issue. I fit in with your conclusions and will eagerly look forward to your next updates. Just saying thanks will not just be sufficient, for the fantasti c lucidity in your writing.vpn pptp

I see these days don't really provide anything that I'm interested in, but I'm most definitely interested in this one. buy YouTube views

Thank you, I've been seeking for info about this subject matter for ages and yours is the best I have discovered so far. factory jobs hiring

I just like the valuable info you provide for your articles.I’ll bookmark your weblog and take a look at once more right here regularly. I am reasonably certain I’ll learn a lot of new stuff proper here seo keywords

You will find a lot of approaches after visiting your post. I was exactly searching for. Thanks for such post and please keep it up. Great work walkthrough