Image courtesy of UUlyrics.com.
Image courtesy of UUlyrics.com.
Say what you will about the New York Post: that it is one of the worst, crassest and soul-ugliest newspapers in this or any possible universe, that… actually, you can just say that last part. It's true and I won't disagree with it, and neither will anyone who has ever even walked past a stack of New York Posts for sale. But credit where it's due: the Post, despite obviously being the paper that would break the story about the memorabilia-heavy gift baskets that New York Yankees captain Derek Jeter allegedly gives to women who spend the night at his Trump Tower Apartment, definitely did a great job breaking the story of the memorabilia-heavy gift baskets that Derek Jeter allegedly gives to women who spend the night at his Trump Tower apartment.
Which is to say that they did it in the most alliteration-heavy, punning-est and generally quease-inducing way possible. Which was hardly necessary, considering what this story is about (c.f. previous paragraph, there, but it's about how Derek Jeter allegedly gives autographed baseballs to women he just slept with), but which is also the Post all day. It was, in short, a lot of skeeviness and grandiosity and celebrity-brain mal-judgment to take in on one's own. For help in processing it all, I turned to the estimable David Raposa, my partner in last season's Yakkin' About Baseball columns at The Awl.
David Raposa: Were you surprised to see that Derek Jeter treats his anonymous sex partners like they were attendees at the People's Choice Awards?
David Roth: Sort of surprised at how not-surprised I was. Certainly the idea that he has personal assistants building swag bags—a DVD of bloopers and outtakes from his Ford commercial shoots, an autographed 8x10 of Boone Logan, some remaindered Carl Pavano name-and-number t-shirts—for his lady-guests has its bleak apsects. But on the other hand that is called JOB CREATING and if you don't like it you should probably run for President as a fucking Democrat.
David Raposa: But is the gift basket a bonus, or a consolation prize?
David Roth: I think it's like if you go see the new Edward Burns movie, which is probably called Central Islip or The Mopey Fellows of Merrick or whatever Edward Burns is calling his movies now, at Sundance. Is it terrible? Probably, yeah. But you do get a canvas bag with a Norelco electric razor and a kiwi-strawberry Muscle Milk and some Edward Burns Select brand trail mix in it, so…
David Raposa: That's the equivalent of Jeter's "I just went 0-4 and didn't feel like reciprocating, sorry" basket—filled with juicy mangos and some intriguing glass sculpture (and an autographed Derek Jeter 5x7).
David Roth: I like the idea that, somewhere between the end of foreplay and the signing of the non-disclosure agreement, he "takes the temperature" of his partner and finds out what kind of memorabilia would be appropriate.
David Roth: Is she a hardcore memorabilia collector? Then perhaps she'd enjoy some game-used sliding pads.
David Roth: Is she just some lady who is friends with Jeff Weaver and spells her name Krysteal? Because then she may not appreciate getting those game-used sliding pads.
David Raposa: Is she a Grammy-winning multi-platinum recording artist known for piques of unfettered madness? Then you throw some game-used sliding pads at her while your bodyguards “escort” her from the premises.
David Raposa: They're the gift that keep on giving.
David Roth: Rashes.
David Roth: The details of his love life from that piece, beyond the trinket-exchange stuff, are kind of depressing. Everyone sneaking around, him going to average-ass restaurants at like 5:30pm on Tuesday. The Mustang Grill place he favored on Manhattan's Upper East Side recently closed. It was really near my apartment. Sludgy margaritas served to people who call them "margs." The words "sorority brunch" keep coming up when I think about it.
David Raposa: What does Zagat's say about Nino's?
David Roth: I actually don't know Nino's that well. But you can make reservations here.
David Raposa: Oooh, Jim Nabors entering a reservation into the computer! Distinguished!
David Roth: My guess at Zagat's take is: For "not terribly discriminating" diners and "Page Six infielders" who have "an edge" and "dated Mariah Carey, hilariously," this "middling" East Side Italian offers "warmer-than-room-temperature" pastas. Even loyalists warn "do not get the scallops."
David Raposa: I didn't realize Zagat's did the HRO "quotations" thing. Proto-alt.
David Roth: The New York edition of Zagat's is so suffocatingly New York. The diner-contribution stuff is all from people that think nothing of saying, out loud, "I feel like I should be writing New Yorker cartoons." So every review is them being like "It's GREEK TO ME why anyone would go anyplace else for Greek food do you see what I did there with the Greek thing."
David Raposa: This quaint Italian bistro has food that’s TO DIE FOR, with portion sizes that could KILL A HORSE and PUT ITS HEAD IN YOUR BED WHILE YOU SLEEP. I’m totally in, right?
David Raposa: God this classy-coke soundtrack is ensorceling. I feel like I'm in the highest-budgeted "Red Shoe Diaries" episode ever.
David Roth: Kiefer Sutherland Music. AKA "N**gas in Paris In 1988 At A Lounge."
David Raposa: "[Owner Nino] Selmaj has culled a large, loyal following with his magnetic personality, dashing good looks and impeccably tailored suits bearing a bejeweled American flag on his lapel." Rudy Giuliani wept.
David Roth: And ate there several times a week, presumably. So a second take on the Zagat review would be: With "the raw sex appeal" of a young Mario Batali and a flag pin you "won't want to miss," Nino is the "host with the most" if you're "a star shortstop trying to hump as discreetly as possible" in hopes of not getting "goofed on by two doofuses" on the internet. Also the star shortstop "has an edge."
David Raposa: He's never going to live down "the edge," is he?
David Roth: Not with me he isn't. Cut a couple of crummy local Ford commercials and you wear that for life.
David Raposa: Bob Uecker has the cheap seats. Jimmy Rollins has the serial-killer stare from that Dick's Sporting Goods thing. Derek Jeter has 15 MPG highway and a cool sunroof. And a website you should really check out, of course.
David Roth: Did you get any weird residual sadness from the article? Like about how furtive and housebound his love life is? I assume it's not that sad, in that he's probably into it.
David Raposa: Given how often Minka Kelly's mentioned, it's almost like the writers are insinuating he's trying to fuck the pain away.
David Roth: Has he been linked with Peaches? Is that what you're implying?
David Raposa: That jump-off would be Jeter's centaur painting.
David Raposa: I do like how the "friends" that spill the deets on Jeter's Three Days of The Condor love life still manage to paint him in a good baseball light. "He's very cautious. He'll only go out on off-nights."
David Roth: Always and everywhere The Captain, even if it's Captain of Hump Island.
David Raposa: "He's always looking to take the extra base. Will run through stop signs."
David Roth "Very aggressive. VERY aggressive."
David Roth: Really, living in Trump Tower is the most embarrassing part of the whole thing for him.
David Roth: I wonder if Trump is going to go on "Fox and Friends" to talk about how he has The Classiest Service Entrance. "Definitely fit for a high-caliber piece of ass like those enjoyed by our very famous celebrity tenants."
David Roth: A.J. Burnett makeout partners get a can of grape Four Loko, a Tapout t-shirt size XL and an autographed picture of a non-Burnett Yankee.
David Raposa: Oh, are we going to do YANKEE SEX BASKETS?
David Raposa: A-Rod: a copy of Khalil Gibran's The Prophet, some Body Shop bath salts, and an organic avocado.
David Roth: If you have sex with Sabathia, Francisco Cervelli personally drives you home in the morning, screaming at you the whole time in a made-up language.
David Roth: Do the thing with Nick Swisher and you get homemade elk jerky and a pink Ski-Doo.
David Raposa: Brett Gardner: a Fast and Furious Blu-Ray boxset, a Water-Pik, and about 35 Power Bracelets.
David Roth: If you have sex with Mariano Rivera, you are Mariano Rivera's wife and do not need to go home.
David Raposa: Hideki Matsui just handed out portable DVD players that featured him reading from the Kama Sutra wearing a loose silk robe. Everyone thought he was joking around until he started handing them out to the press corps.
David Roth: If you stay overnight at Andy Pettitte's, you get a heartfelt marriage proposal.
David Raposa: And a Kay Jewelers Open Heart pendant, obviously. Do we want to talk about Roger Clemens?
David Roth: This is the scary one. I don't know what's in there. One of those six-pound protein shake containers from GNC? A lock of your hair that he cut off while you were asleep.
David Raposa: A CD-R featuring him singing Willie Nelson's "Crazy" acapella 25 times.
David Roth: Also a videotape of him wandering through your house while you're not there. I think the real takeaway from this whole story, besides Derek Jeter's icy inhumanity and sad, furtive romantic life, is that you should definitely never ever have sex with Roger Clemens.