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Bad Guys of the NCAA
Every single coach in college basketball is up to no good, but not in the way you think they are.
As I watched March Madness throughout my sciatica-plagued month, I noticed a trend in all the coaches. I asked the fine people of Twitter “Is there a college basketball coach out there that doesn’t seem like they could play a villain in a movie?”
Some friends wrote back to challenge my assertion, claiming that this coach or that coach couldn’t possibly fit the description. So I give you a full, ranked breakdown of every coach from the NCAA tournament and the specific strain of villainy they would portray. Note: THIS IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NON-NEGOTIABLE AND SHOULD BE CONSIDERED FACT!
1. John Calipari (Kentucky): Corrupt U.S. Vice President who makes backroom deal with terrorists/aliens
2. Ray Harper (Western Kentucky): Owner of small-town hardware store who intrudes in his customers’ lives
3. Dave Rose (BYU): Owner of toy company that cuts corners, ends up manufacturing killer remote control helicopters
4. John Becker (Vermont): Assistant manager of boiler room created to steal identities of senior citizens
5. Stan Heath (South Florida): Undercover cop who has lost sight of which side he’s on*
6. Fred Hoiberg (Iowa State): Portrays Chad in movie In the Company of Men 2: Mo’ Money
7. Jim Calhoun (UConn): Disgruntled postal worker
8. Gregg Marshall (Wichita State): Owner of a mom and pop amusement park cutting corners on ride safety
9. Shaka Smart (VCU): Manager of GameStop embezzling from employees via faulty FICA declarations
10. Tom Crean (Indiana): Host of folksy NPR program desperate to dispose of his younger/hipper rival by any means necessary
11. Marvin Menzies (New Mexico St): Washed up actor from ‘80s cop show unable to separate fantasy from reality, attempts to solve ‘the big case’ the show never solved due to premature cancelation
12. Dave Rice (UNLV): Director of secret government project harnessing the psychic powers of children for evil purposes
13. Tad Boyle (Colorado): Right wing radio talk show host brainwashing his listeners via subliminal messages
14. Scott Drew (Baylor): Nihilistic standup comedian who starts a cult as a sarcastic comment on society but it actually takes off
15. Anthony Evans (Norfolk State): Evil genius
16. Scott Nagy (South Dakota St): Steely hit man assumes the identity of a butler in an attempt to assassinate a reclusive billionaire
17. Mike Brey (Notre Dame): Mobster who is secretly a vampire
18. Chris Mack (Xavier): Manager of Arby’s pushed over the brink of sanity and goes ‘out for a city hunt’
19. Mike Krzyzewski (Duke): Kindly watchmaker who has been stealing the breath of children in the neighboring village
20. Brett Reed (Lehigh): Gung-ho right hand man of Fred Phelps-styled preacher
21. Tom Izzo (Michigan State): Local cop on the take
22. Jim Ferry (LIU): Local cop on the take
23. Dan Monson (Long Beach State): Local cop on the take
24. Josh Pastner (Memphis): Delusional stuntman who feels the star he stunts for is keeping him from being famous, with the only solution being murder
25. Rick Majerus (St. Louis): I am going to respectfully pass on this one
26. Steve Alford (New Mexico): Card-counting blackjack player over his head in Reno
27. Rick Pitino (Louisville): Evil Personified
28. Bob McKillop (Davidson): CEO of insurance agency who manipulates statistics to deny coverage for hero firemen
29. Steve Prohm (Murray State): Motivational speaker with a dark secret
30. Tim Miles (Colorado State): Futurist who can’t stop stalking his ex-wife
31. Buzz Williams (Marquette): Enforcer at evil fat kids camp
32. Billy Donovan (Florida): Embittered superhero who prematurely lost his powers and vows revenge on his former colleagues
33. Tony Bennett (Virginia): Developer looking to knock down rec center to make way for a Five Guys franchise
34. Frank Haith (Missouri): Manager of an Old Country Buffet plotting to steal a tontine he discovered by eavesdropping on a few of his elderly patrons
35. Roy Williams (North Carolina): Chief of surgery at a hospital forced by Russian mob to let a patient die on the operating table
36. Greg McDermott (Creighton): Father who cant accept his son’s love of poetry
37. Anthony Grant (Alabama): Broadway stagehand blackmailing the Blue Man Group
38. Fran Dunphy (Temple): Night watchman with malevolent psychokinetic powers
39. John Beilein (Michigan): Owner of racist dog training school
40. John Groce (Ohio): Undercooked evil clone
41. Steve Fisher (San Diego State): Chief of surgery at a hospital forced by Yakuza to let a patient die on the operating table
42. Mark Gottfried (NC State): Coach of rival cup stacking squad
43. John Thompson III (Georgetown): Downtrodden guy who just can’t take it anymore*
44. Rick Byrd (Belmont): Evil puppet maker
45. Randy Bennett (St. Mary’s): Manager of a “classy” NYC strip club
46. Matt Painter (Purdue): The bad guy in a father/son identity-switching movie
47. Bill Self (Kansas): Owner of a discriminatory Enterprise Rent-A-Car
48. Ray McCallum (Detroit): Drill sergeant brainwashed to assassinate the governor
49. Jim Boeheim (Syracuse): Plays Noah Cross on short-lived Chinatown television series
50. Eddie Biedenbach (UNC-Asheville): Mayor who tells citizens there’s no truth to rumors of a killer octopus in the lake
51. Frank Martin (Kansas State): Undercover cop infiltrating Occupy Denver movement
52. Larry Eustachy (Southern Miss): Owner of rival karate school
53. Kevin Stallings (Vanderbilt): Newspaper editor with gambling problem forced by mob to kill falsify editorials
54. Tommy Amaker (Harvard): Sci-fi memorabilia dealer selling forged Leonard Nimoy signatures
55. Bo Ryan (Wisconsin): Rageaholic judge out to even the score with “cowboy” policeman
56. Mark Few (Gonzaga): Man returns to grieving family claiming to be their kidnapped son from forty years ago; revealed to be con man out for inheritance
57. Wayne Tinkle (Montana): Evil twin
58. Mick Cronin (Cincinnati): Computer genius creating simulated war games actually being used by military drones
59. Rick Barnes (Texas): Playing title role in Atwater: A Life
60. Leonard Hamilton (Florida State): Car dealer rolling back odometers on pre-owned vehicles
61. Mark Schmidt (St. Bonaventure): Hippie lawyer bribed to defend chemical plant poisoning local pond
62. Mark Few (Gonzaga): Man returns to grieving family claiming to be their kidnapped son from forty years ago; revealed to be con man out for inheritance
63. Bob Huggins (West Virginia): Member of Sha Na Na-styled doo-wop revival group goes on killing spree to avenge his drummer’s murder*
64. Jimmy Patsos (Loyola [Md.]): Anchorman with gambling problem falsifying news reports for financial gain
65. Thad Matta (Ohio State): Philandering Coca-Cola rep with a secret second family
*These are technically anti-heroes but I am still filing them firmly in the "villain’" category.
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Comments
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Some friends wrote back to challenge my assertion, claiming that this coach or that coach couldn’t possibly fit the description. So I give you a full, ranked breakdown of every coach from the NCAA tournament and the specific strain of villainy they would portray. Chatrandom.com
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This led them to have a music of their own that was extremely rooted in music and pace. After the civil war there cheap million dollar quartet tickets were a lot of extra instrument available and many blacks purchased them and began playing music. These blacks may not have played cheap phantom of the opera tickets their instruments very well, but they did use rhythm very clearly and this lead to the original jazz music.
Mark Few is so evil he appears twice, as both #56 and 62. Con-zaga!
I guess a lot of movie villains are middle-aged men in suits, huh. But how many look like this?
http://media.scout.com/Media/Image/49/496484.jpg
shaka smart is so, so correct. this is basically the best thing we will ever run.
An awesome side benefit of this list is how, for the many coaches I am unfamiliar with, these will be the only things I know of them, a singular impression that will stick with me until brain cell death.
This would make a great deck of souvenir playing cards- à la the Iraqi most wanted.
YES! Could not be more into that idea.
YES. Someone with photoshop and lots of extra time please make this happen.
I could illustrate it...
I'm breaking my precious commenter anonymity here but Ringomon = J.O.Applegate of various illustrations for Classical.org fame (cough-cough)
...but it would probably take me about 6 months to complete.
‘Shops or someone that's into college basketball (or cards games) much more than me would probably be a better choice.
This is definitely very rich source material though.
I'd drop Kickstarter $$$ on this in a heartbeat.