Bad Guys of the NCAA

Every single coach in college basketball is up to no good, but not in the way you think they are.
Share |

Via Flickr

As I watched March Madness throughout my sciatica-plagued month, I noticed a trend in all the coaches. I asked the fine people of Twitter “Is there a college basketball coach out there that doesn’t seem like they could play a villain in a movie?”

Some friends wrote back to challenge my assertion, claiming that this coach or that coach couldn’t possibly fit the description. So I give you a full, ranked breakdown of every coach from the NCAA tournament and the specific strain of villainy they would portray. Note: THIS IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NON-NEGOTIABLE AND SHOULD BE CONSIDERED FACT!

1. John Calipari (Kentucky): Corrupt U.S. Vice President who makes backroom deal with terrorists/aliens

2. Ray Harper (Western Kentucky): Owner of small-town hardware store who intrudes in his customers’ lives

3. Dave Rose (BYU): Owner of toy company that cuts corners, ends up manufacturing killer remote control helicopters

4. John Becker (Vermont): Assistant manager of boiler room created to steal identities of senior citizens

5. Stan Heath (South Florida): Undercover cop who has lost sight of which side he’s on*

6. Fred Hoiberg (Iowa State): Portrays Chad in movie In the Company of Men 2: Mo’ Money

7. Jim Calhoun (UConn): Disgruntled postal worker

8. Gregg Marshall (Wichita State): Owner of a mom and pop amusement park cutting corners on ride safety

9. Shaka Smart (VCU): Manager of GameStop embezzling from employees via faulty FICA declarations

10. Tom Crean (Indiana): Host of folksy NPR program desperate to dispose of his younger/hipper rival by any means necessary

11. Marvin Menzies (New Mexico St): Washed up actor from ‘80s cop show unable to separate fantasy from reality, attempts to solve ‘the big case’ the show never solved due to premature cancelation

12. Dave Rice (UNLV): Director of secret government project harnessing the psychic powers of children for evil purposes

13. Tad Boyle (Colorado): Right wing radio talk show host brainwashing his listeners via subliminal messages

14. Scott Drew (Baylor): Nihilistic standup comedian who starts a cult as a sarcastic comment on society but it actually takes off

15. Anthony Evans (Norfolk State): Evil genius

16. Scott Nagy (South Dakota St): Steely hit man assumes the identity of a butler in an attempt to assassinate a reclusive billionaire

17. Mike Brey (Notre Dame): Mobster who is secretly a vampire

18. Chris Mack (Xavier): Manager of Arby’s pushed over the brink of sanity and goes ‘out for a city hunt’

19. Mike Krzyzewski (Duke): Kindly watchmaker who has been stealing the breath of children in the neighboring village

20. Brett Reed (Lehigh): Gung-ho right hand man of Fred Phelps-styled preacher

21. Tom Izzo (Michigan State): Local cop on the take

22. Jim Ferry (LIU): Local cop on the take

23. Dan Monson (Long Beach State): Local cop on the take

24. Josh Pastner (Memphis): Delusional stuntman who feels the star he stunts for is keeping him from being famous, with the only solution being murder

25. Rick Majerus (St. Louis): I am going to respectfully pass on this one

26. Steve Alford (New Mexico): Card-counting blackjack player over his head in Reno

27. Rick Pitino (Louisville): Evil Personified

28. Bob McKillop (Davidson): CEO of insurance agency who manipulates statistics to deny coverage for hero firemen

29. Steve Prohm (Murray State): Motivational speaker with a dark secret

30. Tim Miles (Colorado State): Futurist who can’t stop stalking his ex-wife

31. Buzz Williams (Marquette): Enforcer at evil fat kids camp

32. Billy Donovan (Florida): Embittered superhero who prematurely lost his powers and vows revenge on his former colleagues

33. Tony Bennett (Virginia): Developer looking to knock down rec center to make way for a Five Guys franchise

34. Frank Haith (Missouri): Manager of an Old Country Buffet plotting to steal a tontine he discovered by eavesdropping on a few of his elderly patrons

35. Roy Williams (North Carolina): Chief of surgery at a hospital forced by Russian mob to let a patient die on the operating table

36. Greg McDermott (Creighton): Father who cant accept his son’s love of poetry

37. Anthony Grant (Alabama): Broadway stagehand blackmailing the Blue Man Group

38. Fran Dunphy (Temple): Night watchman with malevolent psychokinetic powers

39. John Beilein (Michigan): Owner of racist dog training school

40. John Groce (Ohio): Undercooked evil clone

41. Steve Fisher (San Diego State): Chief of surgery at a hospital forced by Yakuza to let a patient die on the operating table

42. Mark Gottfried (NC State): Coach of rival cup stacking squad

43. John Thompson III (Georgetown): Downtrodden guy who just can’t take it anymore*

44. Rick Byrd (Belmont): Evil puppet maker

45. Randy Bennett (St. Mary’s): Manager of a “classy” NYC strip club

46. Matt Painter (Purdue): The bad guy in a father/son identity-switching movie

47. Bill Self (Kansas): Owner of a discriminatory Enterprise Rent-A-Car

48. Ray McCallum (Detroit): Drill sergeant brainwashed to assassinate the governor

49. Jim Boeheim (Syracuse): Plays Noah Cross on short-lived Chinatown television series

50. Eddie Biedenbach (UNC-Asheville): Mayor who tells citizens there’s no truth to rumors of a killer octopus in the lake

51. Frank Martin (Kansas State): Undercover cop infiltrating Occupy Denver movement

52. Larry Eustachy (Southern Miss): Owner of rival karate school

53. Kevin Stallings (Vanderbilt): Newspaper editor with gambling problem forced by mob to kill falsify editorials

54. Tommy Amaker (Harvard): Sci-fi memorabilia dealer selling forged Leonard Nimoy signatures

55. Bo Ryan (Wisconsin): Rageaholic judge out to even the score with “cowboy” policeman

56. Mark Few (Gonzaga): Man returns to grieving family claiming to be their kidnapped son from forty years ago; revealed to be con man out for inheritance

57. Wayne Tinkle (Montana): Evil twin

58. Mick Cronin (Cincinnati): Computer genius creating simulated war games actually being used by military drones

59. Rick Barnes (Texas): Playing title role in Atwater: A Life

60. Leonard Hamilton (Florida State): Car dealer rolling back odometers on pre-owned vehicles

61. Mark Schmidt (St. Bonaventure): Hippie lawyer bribed to defend chemical plant poisoning local pond

62. Mark Few (Gonzaga): Man returns to grieving family claiming to be their kidnapped son from forty years ago; revealed to be con man out for inheritance

63. Bob Huggins (West Virginia): Member of Sha Na Na-styled doo-wop revival group goes on killing spree to avenge his drummer’s murder*

64. Jimmy Patsos (Loyola [Md.]): Anchorman with gambling problem falsifying news reports for financial gain

65. Thad Matta (Ohio State): Philandering Coca-Cola rep with a secret second family

*These are technically anti-heroes but I am still filing them firmly in the "villain’" category.


Share |

Comments

Luckily, we have baseball to expose the simplicity of that narrative. Since his return to prominence with the Cincinnati Reds in 2007, Hamilton has played the sport as if he had never left it in disgrace. professional SEO services from Marketing1on1

Director of secret government project harnessing the psychic powers of children for evil purposes.probiotic supplements

This all I are able to say. You most absolutely have built this blog website into something special. You clearly know what you are working on, you’ve insured so many corners.thanks..how do you pay for likes on instagram

Great Article it its really informative and innovative keep us posted with new updates. its was really valuable. thanks a lot. do follow backlinks

bloggers made just right content material as you did, the net shall be much more helpful than ever before.
blog commenting here

precious commenter anonymity here but Ringomon = J.O.Applegate of various illustrations for Classical.org fame car rental jaipur to delhi

I'm breaking my precious commenter anonymity here but Ringomon = J.O.Applegate of various illustrations for Classical.org fame (cough-cough)get more followers | get more likes instagram

I am very happy to read this article ..
thanks for giving us go through info.Fantastic nice. I appreciate this
post
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Review-Free-EBook-Download/dp/B00T46Q63G

Owner of toy company that cuts corners, ends up manufacturing killer remote control helicopterssky tv customer services

I think I should also work hard for my own website like I see some good and updated working in your site.dental implants leicester

Great Information sharing. I am very happy to read this article ..
thanks for giving us go through info.Fantastic nice. I appreciate this
post.http://androidhacks4u.com/dragon-city-hack-get-gems-gold-and-food-for-android-2014/

Undercover cop who has lost sight of which side he’s on.build backlinks

I was in a summertime pickup match with the bored teens of Mestia. I’m not sure I understood their instructions any better than you.
old school new body book

An awesome side benefit of this list is how, for the many coaches I am unfamiliar with, these will be the only things I know of them, a singular impression that will stick with me until brain cell death....Draftkings Promo Code

Hippie lawyer bribed to defend chemical plant poisoning local pond.ETAAPS

I am really enjoying reading your well written articles. It looks like you spend a lot of effort and time on your blog. I have bookmarked it and I am looking forward to Venus Factor Diet
reading new articles. Keep up the good work...

This is also a very good post which I really enjoyed reading. It is not every day that I have the possibility to see something like this.. Jan’s website

This was because Montreal was experiencing a mass emigration of English speakers after the Parti Quebecois had come to power. Toronto was the Second City (thus, for example, SCTV) until relatively recently. Regardless, there's no question that Toronto had taken the top spot by the early 1990s and it was a mistake. obat peninggi badan

Great post i must say and thanks for the information. Education is definitely a sticky subject. However, is still among the leading topics of our time. I appreciate your post and look forward to more.Luxury Bedding Uk

Awesome blog. I enjoyed reading your articles. This is truly a great read for me. I have bookmarked it and I am looking forward to reading new articles. Keep up the good work!Robes For Women

It is appropriate time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy. I have read this post and if I could I want to suggest you few interesting things or tips. Maybe you can write next articles referring to this article...neopoints

A collection of top tweets about the Michael Fiore Text Your Ex Back 2.0 system. Includes PDF reviews, download information, .. viagra bestellen

I want to thank you. Good job! You guys do a great blog, and have some great contents. Keep up the good smarthappybirthdaywishes.com

internet site list and will be checking back soon. Please check out my web site also and let me know what you think Pregnancy Miracle Reviews 2015

We Are A Full-Service Provider Of High Quality Backlinks That Help Boost Traffic, Increase Rankings, And Build Authority. With Years Of Experience We Know Exactly What Type Of Manual Dofollow Blog Comments It Takes To Quickly Increase Your Online Visibility
do follow blog comments

I am unable to read articles online very often, but I’m glad I did today. This is very well written and your points are well-expressed. Please, don’t ever stop writing...instant blackberry unlock code

at Wednesday’s meeting, which now leaves an empty seat amongst the council members... Manual blog comments

I developed this fan site as a way to help men interested in improving their skills with women through the techniques taught inside Christian’s girlfriend system ..https://rebelmouse.com/oldschoolnewbodypdfreview

I really appreciate that you wrote this article and shared some really good information on this specific topic. I was in vital need to get some information on this topic and thanks to you, I've got that!Xtreme Fat Loss Diet

couldn’t possibly fit the description. So I give you a full, ranked breakdown of every coach from the NCAA best ways to treat a yeast infection

Very good points you wrote here..Great stuff...I think you've made some truly interesting points. blackberry unlocking codes

program desperate to dispose of his younger/hipper rival by any means necessary www.rebelmouse.com

Nihilistic standup comedian who starts a cult as a sarcastic comment on society amazing selling machine

the bathroom in the middle of a match? What will the fans be like? Will the matches be different from the ones amazon.com/Jackie-Portable-Extra-large-Windproof-Waterproof/dp/B00VX62

I really like the dear information you offer in your articles. I'm able to bookmark your site and show the kids check out up here generally…...website

Your article has piqued a lot of positive interest. I can see why since you have done such a good job of making it interesting. historical racing in idaho

Never lose the childlike wonder. Show gratitude... Don't complain; just work harder... Never give up.best wp themes

Assistant manager of boiler room created to steal identities of senior citizens www.rebelmouse.com/kyleleonmusclemaximizerreview/

Owner of toy company that cuts corners, ends up manufacturing killer remote control helicopters van rental london

NCAA tournament and the specific strain of villainy they would portray loft conversions costs

Twitter “Is there a college basketball coach out there that doesn’t seem like they could play a villain in a movie?” text your ex back leaked

Ixperia IT Schulung und Beratung An 18 Standorten in Deutschland bieten wir anspruchsvollen Führungskräften und Mitarbeitern erfolgreich Seminare zu den Themen IT Service Management, ITIL, Projektmanagement und Prince2 in exzellenter Atmosphäre. Sowohl fachlich als auch für die Durchführung erhalten wir von unseren Teilnehmern dafür die besten Beurteilungen mit 100% Erfolgsgarantie. ITIL Foundation

So I give you a full, ranked breakdown of every coach from the NCAA tournament and the specific strain of villainy they would portray. dallas search engine optimization

I am really impressed by this and I must ask from you to deliver good articles like this on more often basis. Thanks. mi40x book

Your article has piqued a lot of positive interest. I can see why since you have done such a good job of making it interesting. goji pro

Fotograf Reinhard Simon und Waltraud Pioch begrüßen Sie herzlich in ihrem Fotostudio “das portrait” in Frankfurt. Fotoatelier für anspruchsvolle Fotografie. Die erste Adresse in Frankfurt für Bewerbungsfotos, Businessfotos und Portraitfotos. Fotoatelier

This led them to have a music of their own that was extremely rooted in music and pace. After the civil war there cheap million dollar quartet tickets were a lot of extra instrument available and many blacks purchased them and began playing music. These blacks may not have played cheap phantom of the opera tickets their instruments very well, but they did use rhythm very clearly and this lead to the original jazz music.

Mark Few is so evil he appears twice, as both #56 and 62. Con-zaga!

I guess a lot of movie villains are middle-aged men in suits, huh. But how many look like this?

http://media.scout.com/Media/Image/49/496484.jpg

shaka smart is so, so correct. this is basically the best thing we will ever run.