Bad Guys of the NCAA

Every single coach in college basketball is up to no good, but not in the way you think they are.
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As I watched March Madness throughout my sciatica-plagued month, I noticed a trend in all the coaches. I asked the fine people of Twitter “Is there a college basketball coach out there that doesn’t seem like they could play a villain in a movie?”

Some friends wrote back to challenge my assertion, claiming that this coach or that coach couldn’t possibly fit the description. So I give you a full, ranked breakdown of every coach from the NCAA tournament and the specific strain of villainy they would portray. Note: THIS IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NON-NEGOTIABLE AND SHOULD BE CONSIDERED FACT!

1. John Calipari (Kentucky): Corrupt U.S. Vice President who makes backroom deal with terrorists/aliens

2. Ray Harper (Western Kentucky): Owner of small-town hardware store who intrudes in his customers’ lives

3. Dave Rose (BYU): Owner of toy company that cuts corners, ends up manufacturing killer remote control helicopters

4. John Becker (Vermont): Assistant manager of boiler room created to steal identities of senior citizens

5. Stan Heath (South Florida): Undercover cop who has lost sight of which side he’s on*

6. Fred Hoiberg (Iowa State): Portrays Chad in movie In the Company of Men 2: Mo’ Money

7. Jim Calhoun (UConn): Disgruntled postal worker

8. Gregg Marshall (Wichita State): Owner of a mom and pop amusement park cutting corners on ride safety

9. Shaka Smart (VCU): Manager of GameStop embezzling from employees via faulty FICA declarations

10. Tom Crean (Indiana): Host of folksy NPR program desperate to dispose of his younger/hipper rival by any means necessary

11. Marvin Menzies (New Mexico St): Washed up actor from ‘80s cop show unable to separate fantasy from reality, attempts to solve ‘the big case’ the show never solved due to premature cancelation

12. Dave Rice (UNLV): Director of secret government project harnessing the psychic powers of children for evil purposes

13. Tad Boyle (Colorado): Right wing radio talk show host brainwashing his listeners via subliminal messages

14. Scott Drew (Baylor): Nihilistic standup comedian who starts a cult as a sarcastic comment on society but it actually takes off

15. Anthony Evans (Norfolk State): Evil genius

16. Scott Nagy (South Dakota St): Steely hit man assumes the identity of a butler in an attempt to assassinate a reclusive billionaire

17. Mike Brey (Notre Dame): Mobster who is secretly a vampire

18. Chris Mack (Xavier): Manager of Arby’s pushed over the brink of sanity and goes ‘out for a city hunt’

19. Mike Krzyzewski (Duke): Kindly watchmaker who has been stealing the breath of children in the neighboring village

20. Brett Reed (Lehigh): Gung-ho right hand man of Fred Phelps-styled preacher

21. Tom Izzo (Michigan State): Local cop on the take

22. Jim Ferry (LIU): Local cop on the take

23. Dan Monson (Long Beach State): Local cop on the take

24. Josh Pastner (Memphis): Delusional stuntman who feels the star he stunts for is keeping him from being famous, with the only solution being murder

25. Rick Majerus (St. Louis): I am going to respectfully pass on this one

26. Steve Alford (New Mexico): Card-counting blackjack player over his head in Reno

27. Rick Pitino (Louisville): Evil Personified

28. Bob McKillop (Davidson): CEO of insurance agency who manipulates statistics to deny coverage for hero firemen

29. Steve Prohm (Murray State): Motivational speaker with a dark secret

30. Tim Miles (Colorado State): Futurist who can’t stop stalking his ex-wife

31. Buzz Williams (Marquette): Enforcer at evil fat kids camp

32. Billy Donovan (Florida): Embittered superhero who prematurely lost his powers and vows revenge on his former colleagues

33. Tony Bennett (Virginia): Developer looking to knock down rec center to make way for a Five Guys franchise

34. Frank Haith (Missouri): Manager of an Old Country Buffet plotting to steal a tontine he discovered by eavesdropping on a few of his elderly patrons

35. Roy Williams (North Carolina): Chief of surgery at a hospital forced by Russian mob to let a patient die on the operating table

36. Greg McDermott (Creighton): Father who cant accept his son’s love of poetry

37. Anthony Grant (Alabama): Broadway stagehand blackmailing the Blue Man Group

38. Fran Dunphy (Temple): Night watchman with malevolent psychokinetic powers

39. John Beilein (Michigan): Owner of racist dog training school

40. John Groce (Ohio): Undercooked evil clone

41. Steve Fisher (San Diego State): Chief of surgery at a hospital forced by Yakuza to let a patient die on the operating table

42. Mark Gottfried (NC State): Coach of rival cup stacking squad

43. John Thompson III (Georgetown): Downtrodden guy who just can’t take it anymore*

44. Rick Byrd (Belmont): Evil puppet maker

45. Randy Bennett (St. Mary’s): Manager of a “classy” NYC strip club

46. Matt Painter (Purdue): The bad guy in a father/son identity-switching movie

47. Bill Self (Kansas): Owner of a discriminatory Enterprise Rent-A-Car

48. Ray McCallum (Detroit): Drill sergeant brainwashed to assassinate the governor

49. Jim Boeheim (Syracuse): Plays Noah Cross on short-lived Chinatown television series

50. Eddie Biedenbach (UNC-Asheville): Mayor who tells citizens there’s no truth to rumors of a killer octopus in the lake

51. Frank Martin (Kansas State): Undercover cop infiltrating Occupy Denver movement

52. Larry Eustachy (Southern Miss): Owner of rival karate school

53. Kevin Stallings (Vanderbilt): Newspaper editor with gambling problem forced by mob to kill falsify editorials

54. Tommy Amaker (Harvard): Sci-fi memorabilia dealer selling forged Leonard Nimoy signatures

55. Bo Ryan (Wisconsin): Rageaholic judge out to even the score with “cowboy” policeman

56. Mark Few (Gonzaga): Man returns to grieving family claiming to be their kidnapped son from forty years ago; revealed to be con man out for inheritance

57. Wayne Tinkle (Montana): Evil twin

58. Mick Cronin (Cincinnati): Computer genius creating simulated war games actually being used by military drones

59. Rick Barnes (Texas): Playing title role in Atwater: A Life

60. Leonard Hamilton (Florida State): Car dealer rolling back odometers on pre-owned vehicles

61. Mark Schmidt (St. Bonaventure): Hippie lawyer bribed to defend chemical plant poisoning local pond

62. Mark Few (Gonzaga): Man returns to grieving family claiming to be their kidnapped son from forty years ago; revealed to be con man out for inheritance

63. Bob Huggins (West Virginia): Member of Sha Na Na-styled doo-wop revival group goes on killing spree to avenge his drummer’s murder*

64. Jimmy Patsos (Loyola [Md.]): Anchorman with gambling problem falsifying news reports for financial gain

65. Thad Matta (Ohio State): Philandering Coca-Cola rep with a secret second family

*These are technically anti-heroes but I am still filing them firmly in the "villain’" category.


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