A Stripper's Guide To The Final Four

What to expect if you're expecting to give lapdances to mustachioed Ohio State fans, among other things.
Share |
Actually more comfortable than they look.

Image via Bubbles Burbujas.

During the 2007 Final Four, I traveled to Atlanta with a couple of friends to dance at the Pink Pony. We were surprised to find the local dancers questioning why the dancer manager was urging them to work all weekend, then do it again next weekend during the Masters. By the Sunday before the final, when the line to get in the club wound around the building, they understood. Major sporting events deliver major impacts for local businesses, and the sex industry is right there alongside hotels, restaurants and t-shirt counterfeiters when it comes to cashing in. This isn't news if you've seen the annual “100,000 Prostitutes Expected in (insert host city) for Super Bowl” articles, or the photos of athletes making it rain in strip clubs, or the resulting arrest reports. It shouldn't be news to dancers, either: for big-ticket college sports events like bowl games and the upcoming NCAA Final Four in New Orleans, alumni will be bringing their cash to town, and to the club.

My friends and I came to Atlanta well prepared. We'd done our research on Georgetown, Ohio State, UCLA, and Florida, and that was the order in which we approached each school's fans. I'd worked in Columbus, and knew Ohio customers to be very generous in the strip club when in town for sporting events. One of the girls I was with grew up near Georgetown and knew that Hoyas supporters had money, and that their local strip clubs were weak. All of us knew UCLA didn't travel well and that Southern Californians were accustomed to very liberal strip club touching laws. Seeing at least one Florida fan per night get peeled off of the floor by security—Gators boosters travel very young and very drunk—ensured that they were the last customers we tried.

For all the dancers (and other service workers who might find this information useful) in New Orleans, this scouting report uses post-graduation salary data from payscale.com (numbers are the median mid-career salaries of a given school’s graduates), some possibly offensive stereotypes, and an analysis of strip clubs in each school’s home state to predict the behavior of the fans of each school in the Final Four. These rankings should help you decide who to approach, who to avoid, and who might be interested in talking about William S. Burroughs.

4. Louisville (4)

Louisville is the money, seed, and enrollment loser in this Final Four, but there's not so much going on in Louisville that they'll be jaded about a trip to NOLA. Their strippers have to wear pasties and can't give lapdances. If you approach an older Cardinal, ask him if he knows Charles Taylor, the 71-year-old who punched a 68-year old Kentucky fan in the face at a dialysis clinic.

Average Salary: $72,400

Typical Alum: Works for UPS or in healthcare. Likely to be a better dresser than his fellow Kentuckians from Lexington. Will tip dancers on stage the best. Also likely to be less white than the other fans.

Opening Line: “Is it racist to say 'hot brown'?”; “So, you actually understood the dialogue in Luck?”

3. Kentucky (1)

Kentucky is a huge, basketball-crazed school that travels well, but they might be a little jaded from so many Final Four appearances to really throw down. Their strip clubs are not nearly as restrictive as those in Louisville, and aren't nearly as large or heavily staffed as the Bourbon Street clubs.

Average Salary: $78,300

Typical Alum: Owns a car dealership or works in hospitality. Will be dressed in business casual and buy lapdances for his friends.

Opening Line: “Are you a Givens or a Crowder?”

Bonus Opening Line for Use on John Calipari: “The NCAA won’t ever be able to take this champagne room away from you.”

2. Ohio State (2)

The entire state of Ohio suffers under some of the most restrictive strip club laws in the country, an unfortunate turn of events for such a densely populated state. OSU alumni are likely to spend more when traveling now that their home clubs are less fun. And they will travel for a lapdance: it’s conventional wisdom among traveling strippers that golfers from Ohio flood the strip clubs of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina every year during golf season. They're also likely to simply outnumber the other travelers because of the sheer size of the school, the third largest in the country.

Average Salary: $78,300

Typical Alum: Middle manager for Procter & Gamble or JP Morgan Chase. Will be wearing at least two items of official OSU gear and a mustache. Will buy lapdances and champagne rooms.

Opening Line: Talk to him about what he's really interested in—Ohio State football.

1. Kansas (2)

The Kansas fan base has three great stripper-friendly characteristics. The school is in the Midwest, so they’re both willing and happy to travel to a party spot; the university is both large and a traditional basketball power; and it’s the alma mater of Jason Sudeikis, who is amazing as a strip club DJ on SNL. The strip clubs in Kansas aren't awful but they're not terribly numerous, either. Add it up, and you've got a fan base with a great combination of earning power and serious appreciation for friendly naked women.

Average Salary: $80,400

Typical alum: Agriculture or manufacturing executive. Will be dressed conservatively and buy champagne rooms if alone.

Opening line: “Rock, Chalk, Booty Drop!”; talk to him about why there is a turnpike in Kansas; ask about his favorite William S. Burroughs book.

Share |


I experience considerable difficulties my musings on substance, yet I truly felt I ought to here. Your article is truly extraordinary. I like the way you composed this data. Drain Repair in Boston MA

A debt of gratitude is in order for posting this data. I simply need to tell you that I simply look at your site and I discover it exceptionally fascinating and enlightening. I can hardly wait to peruse loads of your posts. sati

Awesome article, an obligation of appreciation is all together to assemble this! This is plainly one phenomenal post. An obligation of appreciation is all together for the huge information and bits of learning you have so given here.crochet and knitting supplies

Hier sind Sie goldrichtig, wenn Sie denkwuerdige Zitate, coole Sprueche und lustige Dialoge aus der beliebten US Crime Serie Criminal Minds suchen - Die besten Sprueche von Hotchner, Morgan, Dr- Reid und Co.crime quotes

Oil and gas projects are moving in 2017 which is great news for the oil and gas industry, check out the top oil and gas projects of 2017 to see who is hiring. Projects are spread globally both on and offshore.oil and gas projects 2017

Mr Mobile are a UK based team specializing in mobile phone and tablet accessory distribution. Offering great products with small MOQs, great prices, pre-ordering and bespoke packaging.wholesale mobile phone batteries

Dieses Flirt und Dating Glossar und Lexikon soll Ihnen helfen, die richtige Bedeutung der verwendeten Begriffe und Schlagwörter auf einfache Weise nachzuschlagen.flirt glossar

I must obliged this is great web journal. porn cccam server

You shouldn’t worry about what you write if you have visit methodology section for research paper. Simply put all the information together.

Wonderful Information sharing .. I am incredibly bright to examine this article .. an obligation of appreciation is all together to give us encounter info.Fantastic lovely. I respect this post. sa fishing review

Belize Asset Management sees each organization ought to ceaselessly search out to extend their skill, create assets, and develop their associations with the business. MBV Updates

National State-Tax Specialists offers over 25 years of involvement in consistence preparing, review and request administration, and settlement arrangement. Sales Tax Consultant

On our website, all recreations absolutely free flash games for play and you can likewise download on your PC. It is truly helpful and basic!

Handmade Oil Painting Original Paintings. 1st-Art-Gallery.com

Gamerbolt.com is the Home of Gaming, providing the best news surrounding the world of video games and tech. gamerbolt.com

A nootropic is any supplement or chemical that helps improve or enhance vital cognitive functions such as memory enhancing, attentiveness, or critical thinking. pure forskolin vitamin shoppe

This is truly a decent and useful, containing all data furthermore greatly affects the new innovation. A debt of gratitude is in order for sharing it best place to buy soundcloud plays

A moviesis created built-in photographbuilt-ing actual scenes with a movement image digicam; built-ingintegrated photographintegratedg drawintegratedgs or mbuilt-iniature models integrated traditional animation techniques; with the aid of CGI and computer animation; or via a mixtureintegrated contemporary a few or all of those strategies and other visual results. http://www.popcornflixmovies.com/

this is truly first rate to pay attention. lots obliged to you for the improve and desirable fortunes. seo packages canada

Howdy! Pleasant stuff, do update me as often as possible when you post again something like this! PC Kaufberatung

Each time I used to always check blog posts within the first hours in the break of day, because I like to get information increasingly more.
buy term paper

I'd like to take the power of thanking you for that specialized guidance I've constantly enjoyed viewing your blog.
writing paper on the computer

I Never ever found such edifying blogs.
academic writing services

Very advisory and effective collection of stuff.
paper writing services online

I am cheerful to discover this post Very helpful for me, as it contains part of data. I Always like to peruse The Quality and happy I discovered this thing in you post. Much appreciated Unterbau Mikrowelle

I wish more writers of this sort of substance would take the time you did to explore and compose so well. I am exceptionally awed with your vision and knowledge. Backlink service | Affordable link building services

Loved your blog page!!!The stuff that you have remarked up here is superbly wonderful and I vigorously thank you for the same...internet marketing

A debt of gratitude is in order for the significant data and experiences you have so given here... car cover

The quality of information that you are providing is simply marvelous. relaxing office environment

No wonder why you get so many feedbacks fahrrad navigation

Much thanks for this valuable article. I like it. girlsdoporn

I wish more writers of this sort of substance would take the time you did to explore and compose so well. I am exceptionally awed with your vision and knowledge. fahrrad navigation

Much thanks to you such a great amount for sharing this awesome blog.Very moving and accommodating too.Hope you keep on sharing a greater amount of your ideas.I will love to peruse. columbus search engine optimization promotion

Outstanding blog, in my opinion site owners should acquire a great deal out of this blog its very user welcoming. Linda from eCellulitis

The quality of your blogs and conjointly the articles and price appreciating.
easy online payday loans

Your website is for sure worth bookmarking.Inbox blueprint

Hi buddies, it is great written piece entirely defined, continue the good work constantly.
real payday loans

Enormous blog you individuals have made there, I entirely appreciate the work.mn payday loan

The gorgeous post learned a great deal Thanks greatly!
car insurance

I conclude I have selected the smart and inconceivable website along with interesting stuff.100K Factory ultra edition Steve Clayton

Every week-end I used to pay a fast visit this site, because I’d like enjoyment, because this web site conations certainly fussy material.personalcashadvance.com

Thank you I am glad about the encouragement! I love your site, you post outstanding.Tradefusion

Really amazing blog!!! I enjoyed the complete article? enormous written. gerber end of life insurance rates

This is one of the most important blogs that I have seen, keep it up! online payday loan in virginia

Agriculture or manufacturing executive. Will be dressed conservatively and buy champagne rooms if alone. buy youtube likes and comments ! get comments

Add it up, and you've got a fan base with a great combination of earning power and serious appreciation for friendly naked women.clash of clans hack tool download . hungry shark evolution hack android