The two-thousand-and-twelfth year of our existence wasn’t entirely kind to everyone. The lockout gave us an unfulfilling and truncated basketball season, unemployment rates continued to sneer in our faces, many white men spent many white dollars on silly white things and we called it an election, we lost geniuses, we lost lovers and we lost Ernest Borgnine. In an attempt to ease the transition into 2013 the NBA has amended the meanings of certain hand signals to curb any nasty emotional habits players and/or fans may inadvertently be carrying over into the new year. The NBA Playoffs can now be used as your unofficial therapist, a coping mechanism of sorts, a guide to our past mistakes and future successes:
BLOCKING (YOUR OWN AMBITIONS)
For every blocking foul mentally delete any excuse you’ve created that has stopped you from achieving an intense want or desire that sprung from the deepness of your being. Every violation of this rule results in one (1) meatless salad. LIGHT dressing.
PLAYER CONTROL FOUL (ACCEPTANCE OF COINCIDENCE AND THE POSSIBILITY OF MULTIPLE DESTINIES)
Invest personal time to contemplate the uncontrollable aspects of human existence and accept these occurrences as inevitable, unchangeable, and above all else, beautiful. Invite the spreading light of the unknown.
TRAVELING (THE HALLOWED GROUNDS OF YOUR ANCESTRY/YOUR OWN BACKYARD/YOUR FINITE GALAXIES)
Eschew the desire to explore romantic ideas and locations as escapism. Investigate thoroughly the hidden magic and subtle inspiration of your town, your state, your unknown country. Burrow into America and pour yourself back into its mold. Search your familial line to discover ultimate awe in the power of accidental existence. Sleep in the bathtub and appreciate your personal space in different styles; snort the remnants of fading love letters. Create a mental quilt of blessed human interactions. Weep at the fingerprints those you have cared for have left on you; weep for they are gorgeous and irremovable and they have altered the landscape of your skin and at its core the way it will continue to function. A dismissal of said beauties will result in a penalty of two (2) visits to the DMV.
DOUBLE FOUL (SHAME ON ME FOR CHERISHING ME) Have you ever dreamt that there were two of you? Have you ever had masturbatory fantasies about the ground-shaking existence of your uniqueness? Stop that. Let me tell you a secret, kleine jungfrau: your dazzling differentia only strip you of a connectedness to your brothers and sisters of Universe A (we’re still working on Universe B, but when the fiber-optic cable issues get sorted out your account will be upgraded). We are a quilt and goddamnit you better act like a patch.
OVER AND BACK (UNKNOWN ORIGINS)
[The referee will adopt a Vincent Price affectation and repeat the following:] “There are dreams, yes, dreams that exist in mists and echoes. Dreams that are not happenings, that are not locations nor interactions, but dreams that are only feelings. These fogs creep from your infancy and stalk you in vampiric happenstance. And these dreams, these echoes of gripping dark fears, we shall let them breathe and recognize their tangible existence.” Players are penalized for attempting to execute a normal day after experiencing an internal terror planted unknowingly in the player’s psyche. Take a nap and learn to respect the paralyzing affronts of your mind’s perpetuity.
HOLDING (NOTHING BACK)
And when you do, scold yourself like your father would.
INTENTIONAL FOUL (UPPING THE PUNX) Freedom doesn’t feel like student loan debt or fear of your own government. Freedom doesn’t feel like sleepless nights and shame for a country you believe in; a country that feels like a father who’s lost track of himself; a country in the throes of slow crisis. Patriotism don’t feel like goin’ through the G-D motions. Patriots ain’t follow the fucking rules. I double-dog dare you to squat a fecal trumpet line over your W-2s and start a punk band instead. Write a poem on the wall of City Hall and don’t sign your name. Eat your credit cards. Rollerblade like no one’s watching.
SUCCESSFUL 3-POINT FIELD GOAL (REVERIE)
Ignore the Double Foul rule. Contradict yourself on a regular basis. Celebrate wildly the intricate oddities of your person. Illuminate! You are a light! You are the dizzying beauty of flight!